Gents,

 

OK—I just spent my entire day (no exaggeration) editing this chapter.  There’s a lot of good stuff here; Barrett, it’s less of a data-dump than I’d originally feared, and there are two details of Gregg personally that are concrete:  his love of Pepsi, and his war-room of three big t.v. screens.  (I’m not being ironic—I like those details.  However, we need more such details.)

 

Gregg, you need to provide Barrett w/ a few more details from your private life—a snippet about your girlfriend’s reaction to all this, or do you play Spider Solitaire when you’re bored w/ what’s going on on the IRC, or the fact that you had to take three hours out of your Saturday to drive to pick up your step-daughter—thus we get to see the shitty car you drive, the economic costs to you of this life you live now…whatever, we just need something personal.  Plus, in the car, we readers can absorb some more ‘data-dumping’ because there’s a change of scenery.  HERE, maybe, you can remember something from Occupy Boston, or even on the most recent conversation you had with your co-author, or your agent, or somebody online who accused you of selling out Anonymous by writing this book… 

 

I don’t want more material here per se—what I want is for more of it to feel personal, OK?   Barrett, I’m not asking for a do-over; I’m asking for you to be cognizant that periodically we have to be reminded that Gregg isn’t just a talking head; that sitting in front three monitors all day can give him a stiff neck, a headache, piss him off, whatever.  And that here and there he needs pizza along w/ his Pepsi.  Or to go play Ultimate, or whatever the hell it is Gregg does besides… this…

 

And Barrett:  you need to force yourself to be more selective in terms of fine print, and also make an effort to structure your sentences and your (Gregg’s) thought patterns more simply.  Shorter sentences, even.  And beware your overuse of the word “certain,” as in “a certain journalist / hacker / individual” etc—it’s a way of being evasive…  When you use it (I’ve highlighted it) you need to substitute in something more specific.  Preferably a NAME... And remember that the other hackers / Anons, they are the characters in this story too, so we have to give them characteristics in some way…

 

I’ve made cuts, and will try to do the same thing here to Chapter two--but I can’t edit every chapter this closely, nor do you want me to…

 

Hope this is helpful, and I apologize if my tone sounds harsh—this really IS a good start, but we can’t simply have Gregg sitting in front of his monitors chapter after chapter.  So think in those terms, guys—even when the story is somebody else’s story (Sabu, e.g.) tell some of it while Gregg is walking someplace, driving, on his way to the grocery store, picking up groceries he promised to have four days before. 

 

OK—thanks, Barrett, for meeting your deadlines.  That’s really important.

 

Gregg, you meeting yours?  If I can spent 8 hours today editing this chapter, I assume you find one hour to read through it and give Barrett some additional “color” about your life to fill in the gaps?

 

With hugs and kisses,

Dan

 

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