Barrett and Gregg—

 

Here’s the portion of Chapter 3 that feels like it gets the tone / balance right between “Gregg” and the bigger picture stuff.  This and the VERY ending couple of grafs of the chapter, where it circles back to Greeg after prison. The other stuff, as I said before, lacks context, goes on way too long, is too abstract, and fundamentally lacks a narrative core.

 

I’d like you to look at  p. 12  (in this version), where you tell the Power Wrist story.  A page on this gives us a REALLY good feel for the culture and the odd-ness of some aspects of the world-view, but it’s vital that you keep it cropped short.   I actually LIKE this section—just needs to be tightened, and framed in such a way that a clueless fuck like me can follow.  (Name them “Barney and Fred” or something.)   It serves a real function; contains NARRATIVE; and illuminates in a PERSONAL way (i.e. with characters, rather than abstractions) the world you guys / Gregg / Anonymous inhabits.

 

The other section that I’m on the bubble about:  this whole Fox News broadcast…  What’s the significance of it?  Why recount a newscast—especially since (apparently) Gregg wasn’t part of it?  If you can make that clear and purposeful, great—use it.  If not, though, I’d cut it.

 

-Dan