| Subject: Re: CHAPTER 1 |
| From: Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> |
| Date: 3/6/12, 08:39 |
| To: Daniel Conaway <dconaway@writershouse.com> |
| CC: "greggatghc@gmail.com" <greggatghc@gmail.com>, Stephen Barr <sbarr@writershouse.com> |
Gents,
OKI just spent my entire day (no exaggeration) editing this chapter. Theres a lot of good stuff here; Barrett, its less of a data-dump than Id originally feared, and there are two details of Gregg personally that are concrete: his love of Pepsi, and his war-room of three big t.v. screens. (Im not being ironicI like those details. However, we need more such details.)
Gregg, you need to provide Barrett w/ a few more details from your private lifea snippet about your girlfriends reaction to all this, or do you play Spider Solitaire when youre bored w/ whats going on on the IRC, or the fact that you had to take three hours out of your Saturday to drive to pick up your step-daughterthus we get to see the shitty car you drive, the economic costs to you of this life you live now whatever, we just need something personal. Plus, in the car, we readers can absorb some more data-dumping because theres a change of scenery. HERE, maybe, you can remember something from Occupy Boston, or even on the most recent conversation you had with your co-author, or your agent, or somebody online who accused you of selling out Anonymous by writing this book
I dont want more material here per sewhat I want is for more of it to feel personal, OK? Barrett, Im not asking for a do-over; Im asking for you to be cognizant that periodically we have to be reminded that Gregg isnt just a talking head; that sitting in front three monitors all day can give him a stiff neck, a headache, piss him off, whatever. And that here and there he needs pizza along w/ his Pepsi. Or to go play Ultimate, or whatever the hell it is Gregg does besides this
And Barrett: you need to force yourself to be more selective in terms of fine print, and also make an effort to structure your sentences and your (Greggs) thought patterns more simply. Shorter sentences, even. And beware your overuse of the word certain, as in a certain journalist / hacker / individual etcits a way of being evasive When you use it (Ive highlighted it) you need to substitute in something more specific. Preferably a NAME... And remember that the other hackers / Anons, they are the characters in this story too, so we have to give them characteristics in some way
Ive made cuts, and will try to do the same thing here to Chapter two--but I cant edit every chapter this closely, nor do you want me to
Hope this is helpful, and I apologize if my tone sounds harshthis really IS a good start, but we cant simply have Gregg sitting in front of his monitors chapter after chapter. So think in those terms, guyseven when the story is somebody elses story (Sabu, e.g.) tell some of it while Gregg is walking someplace, driving, on his way to the grocery store, picking up groceries he promised to have four days before.
OKthanks, Barrett, for meeting your deadlines. Thats really important.
Gregg, you meeting yours? If I can spent 8 hours today editing this chapter, I assume you find one hour to read through it and give Barrett some additional color about your life to fill in the gaps?
With hugs and kisses,
Dan
Dan Conaway
Literary Agent
Writers House