communicating your awesome

I'm not sending these things as any manner of insult or diagnostic crap, but these pages do refer to the communication problems that we've had and talk about better ways of dealing with it. I know you have emotions. You are, indeed, capable of empathy. I don't think you're narcissistic. As I said that night I was over there -- you told me you feel nothing for anyone, yet when you kissed me, I could feel what you really meant and felt.

You said that you'll work better on communicating, so I hope you will read these things. I know that usually when you are hurt, feel regret or are disappointed in yourself, you usually respond with silence and distance or the communication that happens comes off as anger. I know you know that it hurts me, and that just perpetuates the cycle of shame, guilt and disappointment within yourself. You don't want to hurt me. You care about me. I know this. I have known this the entire time. Though, after reading through some of this stuff, I'm better able to understand it even more.

So, please know that I am only asking you to read this stuff for the very specific purpose of the fact that you said you will work on better communicating with me. I am not trying to insult you or give you a diagnosis. Don't be be afraid that you have AS. It's just like googling your symptoms when you're sick - it always leads to cancer. So, essentially, you do not have cancer. Like, for example, when I was 17 my therapist gave me a book to read. He highlighted certain chapters and told me to ignore the rest. The book was on Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't have BPD, and I never have. He told me to read it regardless of "diagnosis" bullshit because the chapters were relevant to whatever insecurities and relationship problems I was having at that time as a teenager. It was simply to help glean a bit of clarity. So, yeah. People are complex and the human experience fills the entire spectrum of gray from black to white, as well as all the highly saturated colors of whatever intensities and hues. You're just sorta bouncing around within the rainbow. It's okay Twink, I came to help bring color to Rainbowland. I've got my color belt on. You're prob just in a phase of your life where this AS crap is applicable because you have a LOT of shit going on. It happens. I was emotionally numb for a few years. (btw I'm not saying I think you're emotionally numb. I'm just sayin' that I relate. Dealing with complicated shit in life can suppress aspects of our personality and make us act out of character.) So, yeah, shit happens and we deal.

Communication crap is a pretty typical male thing, as you've noted, as I recognize, and as the Passionista book lays out. You're dealing with a lot of shit in your life. Stress fucks all sorts of shit up. It also fucks with communication. Communicating wasn't hard between us in the beginning. So, please, feel normal. You're not completely crazy. You are sorta fucking nuts though, but I am as well. That's why we get along. But it's also why you're stuck inside your head. I guess there's an apprehension on your part, as well as being preoccupied with all the other crap in your life, to where you feel that if you step outside of your head because you're in a difficult state and will be that much more vulnerable and are afraid that I'll be put off by your inner crazies and you totes fear rejection. Hey, me too! OMG Relationships, how do the work? Fucking magnets. You're just locked into your more logical bits of your brain right now - which is used a lot when working a lot. I've been through that too. It's okay. So, we've established that you're sorta retarded, but hey we're all sorta retarded and goddamn I'm sorta fucking retarded too. So, at the moment, it's like you're in that state of functioning known as "The Extreme Male Brain." So, really, this could really just be interpreted as an affirmation that you are a man. Hooray! I'm hetero! :D

The Passionista book outlines this all within the context of sex. Unfortunately, we are unable to fuck 24/7, but those books will prob help the best with communication, inside and outside the bedroom. Because, really, what is the most intimate level and manner of expressing emotion? I can see how you feel when you look into my eyes when we're making love. I can feel it with that heady rush when we kiss. I can feel it. You feel it. Now it's just putting those feelings into words.

So, again, diagnoses are stupid and can be very limiting for the individual. They can make one's outlook in life and personal growth seem very bleak and make overcoming obstacles - external and internal - that much more difficult. It's sort of like how you'd say in the beginning "What, baby? I'm a junkie" lol. Things like that, especially when reinforced by the people around you, make the individual feel limited in your abilities and range of awesome. They've told you that you're lame at certain aspects of life and do not possess the capabilities of awesome for those things. Like, your mom saying you've never been able to take care of yourself and all your friends reinforcing that idea. That is silly and limits your awesome. My family and friends had reinforced the idea that I was a failure, fuck-up, lazy, irresponsible, et al. They were wrong, though I believed them for a very long time. It's a self-perpetuating process of lame, reinforced by others, fulfilled by oneself. And, so, I believed that I was not-awesome. You have believed that you are not-awesome.

You are not not-awesome. You have much awesome inside of you. You know this. I know this. It's easy to forget. I'm here to help you remember. So, really, you could probably say that you're having problems communicating BECAUSE YOU ARE SO COMPLETELY OVERLOADED WITH AWESOME that you're at a loss for words. This can be highly frustrating because you are a writer. You communicate for a living. Anyway, the idea here is to rid yourself of these limitations. It skews our perceptions of ourselves, each other, our hopes and dreams and reality. I have my own limitations to rid myself of that's fucking with my own shit. So, yeah, judgements, criticisms, insults - and even diagnoses - can limit one's perception of potential awesome.

We make each other happy. We reconnected because of how happy we make each other. You deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy. We're both feeling not-happy because you have fooled yourself to believe that you are not capable of us being at the same level of awesome. We're both dealing with a lot of shit, but we shouldn't fool ourselves into not recognizing the state of Teh Nowz, and being able to take hold of and appreciate the things we still have. Fooling oneself is foolish. Fooling oneself into thinking you're a dotard is very self-defeating. So, don't defeat yourself. That's silly. You're a warrior. But, really, relationships aren't battles. The battle is within you. You're battling for the attainment what you deserve, which is, again, happiness. I've been on that battlefront for a long while as well. SO! Let's be happy together :) We fucking deserve it.

This will let you know that you're not completely retarded and are simply stuck in a slump of poo. Again, it's okay. We all get a little retarded from time to time and get stuck in that slump of poo. But that's life, and life can be a monkey slinging poo in our face. Monkeys aren't always slinging poo. They also wear hats.

Keep reading those Passionista and She Comes First books or I swear to god I'm going to tie you up and beat you. Or, well, that can be your reward. Whatever tickles your fancy. I think the idea here is positive reinforcement. The idea is to continually do things that deserve blowjobs and head. THIS IS HOW IT WILL BE FROM NOW ON. IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY, I SWEAR TO GOD !@!*&$@)!@

Also, after you digest this all after reading it, send me a nice text, reply or phone call telling me the things that you missed about me while I was gone for that month and a half. Let me know that you are knowledgeable of my awesome. I need reminders that I am appreciated. I will do the same for you. Okie dokie?