[I started writing this at 11:30pm, an hour after I sent the previous email at 10:30 am, and finished it at 12:28am. But maybe you're not going to read it because it's not one of the topics that "interest" you, but it's about sustaining my health, so who knows.]
Oh yeah k sk after reading it again, yeah, acid reflux can trigger asthma, and I have GERD, which is chronic acid reflux. So that + anemia (probably) => the increase/frequency of asthm s attacks. They also trigger anxiety bc of the shortness of vreath, and I guess iva gotten panic attacks a bunch bc of it
I'm sry I was rly bitchy to you to do stuffs in the begginjng or w/e. I just get so sick so easily and I hate being sick and didn't want to have to take care of you and myself and it was drainng for me. I guess that's why I'd get so frustrated and pissy. I didn't have the energy for it. I guess it's also why it hurt so much when you'd bitch about "blah blah blah other ppl in the world have it far worse than us!!" etc. Uh. Yeah, um. *You* have it far easier and better than most people. I'm just trying to survive. I clean my friends' apartments when in broke. I get on my hands and knees and scrub their filth. Your mom picks up your weekly dry cleaning, laundry, groceries and cleaning. I'd like a maid - oh wait, I am one.
I also guess I don't trust you, well, basically that rly just vanished in New York, but also bc you haven't apologized about all of that stuff since. How can I trust you when you haven't even admitted your wrongs? How can I let you back into my life without thinking that shit may happen all over again? What assurance is there that this 'next go 'round' will be any better than it was? I cant realistically take chances on that. My health is waning. I gave you my everything. I put my life on hold to take care of you. Now I'm broke, sick and have had to postpone my plans for the immediate futurw (moving to NY). I'm not bitter, I'm just being realistic. I'm not blaming anything on you. I chose to stay with you because I loved you and you asked me to be patient. I was. But now I'm spent. I can't take your mood swings anymore. Rather, I can't date someone thats so temperamental. Im not saying i cant date you, but im not quite sure how it can happen unless you lay out all the cards on the table and we speak openly, honestly and realistically about this crap.
I'm telling you whats up right now because I dont want keep this in anymore; it's not healthy to suppress things. I want it out of my head. I want it out of my mind and body. I don't know, I just want some basic respect. I'm not saying you're necessarily disrespectful, but you're not very mindful of the world around you and other people's needs bc you're ADD as fuck and escapism is a pretty prominent aspect of your life (drugs, fiction, internets, drameh, etc). That's fine and all, I guess. I mean, I dunno, I'd never accept that for myself. You've said that you're making changes, and that's really wonderful and beautiful and I think it's fantastic. I really hope you do. I see that spark in your eye and depth in your soul and you want to make beautiful things. You want to make your dreams a reality.
(Which, I guess, is why you escape so much. You're a dreamer, and, yeah the world is harsh and cold. You're trying to warm it up,well, you did. You still do, but that isn't really possible if you closed your mind off from your heart. The opiates helped you get to where you are, to create and shape the outer world that felt like such a void, but now your inner world's the void. It's interesting, the ebb and flow, contractions and expansions of life. Oh, irony.)
Either way, if you're not able to be mindful/aware of another human being's basic physiological and emotional needs, then how can you be in a relationship? I dunno, your complete avoidance of emotional confrontation just appears so Asperger's/autistic to me. I have no clue what your deal is with that but whatever. Either way, these things need to be acknowledged.
If you want to attempt a relationship with me in any manner, then you can't play make-believe that everything's hunky dorey and not confront the whole "you-and-me" thing realistically. Why? Because I don't have the ability to withstand everything that happened with us in the past again. I cannot take that stress. I cant take on that financial burden (which you fully acknowledge, and thank you for that). I cant have my heart destroyed anymore. It would probably kill me. I'm not trying to be melodramatic here. I'm being literal. I'm tired of being sick. I'm broke. If we do continue to hang out, in the least, I want to experience life. I want to experience the beauty of the world around us and the sun and trees and prancing Minous and everything that makes you smile. Everything that helps one remember that the life is beautiful. Everything that helps you remember how to be happy again. Life is meant to be lived. I don't want to die anytime soon. Whenever my health issues are fucking with me, I - I don't know. It's really scary. It makes me feel really helpless. My daddy died when I was 8. I grew up surrounded by death. My family is old. I'm the youngest of the lineage, and I watched many of them die. I don't know, I understood those things growing up. But, I don't know. My mother sacrificed so much for me, and she's just getting older and weaker. She's not going to be able to take care of me for much longer because she's going to need care herself. I should be taking care of her right now.
(As a side note, I used to have the same ridiculous ambivalence with my mother as you do. About four years ago, I was so infuriated at her one night that I told myself I would not care if she (well, I don't want to say it). I was driving, gnashing my teeth and pissed as all hell, and then I was envisioning life without her. Then the vision became vivid. I was crying uncontrollably. I felt it.
(Two weeks later, my childhood best friend's mother died in a car accident. I took care of her.)
((I haven't had one of those in a couple years, though. The death ones are vivid. I feel/see it within myself and or immediate family. But it happens to others - like with Shauna's father commuting suicide and her step-dad having a stroke and needing a triple bypass. The physical trauma ones aren't so visual. It's just the heavy, intense urgency of foreboding and doom (like when my sister was hit by a car). Heh, I remember crying in the living room and asked Kevin to hold me because it just hurt so heavy and I knew that within 2-3 weeks something bad was going to happen to someone close to me. Then Valerie was in the hospital.))
I'm tired of death. I'm tired of it. I've been to more funerals than weddings.
I tried all I could to help you remember how to be happy, but, god dammit I want to be fucking happy. I deserve it. I deserve to live and be happy and healthy and have time to accomplish my dreams.
I just want to be happy. If you want to be happy with me, then be happy with me then.
Sent from my iPhone
I was going to not tall k to you abs let you contact me whenever you felt so inclined (if you ever would -its w/e) but I went to my allergist yesterday and so my breathing has decreased 15% or something and apparently I get bad asthma attacks freeqyetly. They don't know how much its linked to yeh anemia but I dunno. I had an asthma attack when driving just now apparently. I made it home safe, don't worry. It just ducked because I left my inhaler at home.My gen physician is trying to figure our my thyroid stuffs.z asthma attacks while driving is bad. Hey the bright side is that I didn't swerve much or pass out Hagaga ugh I'm going to pass out now. I was gheaving snd wheezig up the stairs.z I'm lying down wut minoru though sobthats good.This is so stupid I hate this ficking stupid health ass butt fuck nut grrrAnyway this is neato
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001196/
Btw I'm not sending this for sone bullshit suympathy or whining for your attention or some bs.
I'm just giving you updates on my health as per your request.
You don't need to send a response. I did my inhalerdoo when I got home so im fibe now and I'm not out of breath/dizzy anymore bur inn provbaly super incoherent but that bay mr obvious. I'm rly tiredz and weak but oh well w/e
K I'm passing out bow. I wonder Ihoq much of this message is repeatinglike. I seriously don't renembwr.
Thank god for autocorrect hahahaha ugggh fuck this bs. I should prob get on the nicotine gum or something caus smoking is just making my asthma worse. I quit akvohl for a bit and noe I need to not smoke. Ugh.
A couple yeers ago the allergies just face me hayfever but now I've got stupid severs asth
A problens. U guess the anemia is what doss it. Oh emeel
I feel stupid sending this to you but you told me to keep you updated on my health, so here you go
K nini
Sent from my iPhone