Scheduled an appt with a new doctor (general physician) for Monday morning. Also scheduled an appt with my allergist for Thursday to refill my  steroid nasal spray and to start getting allergy shots weekly.

Talking to immunology/hematology research dude yesterday about my illnesses, symptoms, etc helped a bunch. He basically said the underlying cause for all my health shit is stress, haha, which makes sense. I've been so stressed the past few years; I think my body started shutting down a year and a half ago in late 2009 (recession, breaking up with Nadya, Glenn breaking my heart, etc). I got MRSA and had super bad ulcers then.

By "stress" I'm not necessarily just talking about emotional stress. It's physical stress too. But, eh, that's all chicken/egg stuff anyway. Like, when certain systems in the body are compromised, one's immune system is busy busy busy working hard to fix it, so if another system in the body gets compromised, then it's harder for the body to fix errything normally and symptoms may persist and whatnot. So when the immune system's busy fighting this or that...and it's doing it for a long time, well, it's weakened. 

Heh, I remember back in 2009 thinking "I've worked so hard and stressed so much. My mind and my heart broke. I guess my body's just shutting down now." Heh, I feared for my life back then too.

Hehe, it was really hard this past month cause it sucked because I had to do everything myself. I mean, my mom helped all she could, but she's old and has stressed so much. She's 67. She's working a lot and is still having to help me financially. I don't want to cause her more stress because that'd just shorten the time that she's going to be on this earth and I love my mommy and don't want her to die. 

So the last month's been hard. I had to change my bandages and stuff three times a day for a couple weeks, with all the meds and ointments and all that. It was hard going to the grocery store and having to carry all the stuff out and up the stairs. And the chores. And not being able to do work. And I drove to pick up my meds and get food  when I shouldn't have been driving. I don't know. It was difficult. And I was bedridden intermittently for a couple weeks. My doctor, at the follow-up visit a week after my initial visit for the MRSA, was astounded at the fact I drove there because I was so pale, weak and incoherent. She took my keys away from me and told me to either go to the ER or have someone pick me up. I actually asked my mom if she could've driven me to my dr's appt, but she had this thing where she couldn't get out of work. My step dad as well. I was thinking of calling your mom to give me a ride to my dr, because everyone I knew was at work or not in the area. I was really emotional and crying because it all just hurt so much. I knew I needed help. I knew I shouldn't drive to my doctor's appointment. I called Rose asking her opinion of if it was a good/bad idea to call your mom to give me a ride because of the fact that I knew she was probably available, but r
Rose was really adamant about cutting you out of my life. Many of my other friends were as well. I really didn't care at that point because the physical pain I felt made all of that relationship bullshit not matter. Rose was telling me I was crying because she assumed it had to do with the breakup. I'd stopped caring about that when the pain and stress of taking care of everything became too much. Rose didn't really understand that. I don't think she understood how bad my physical condition has been and that it's been increasing in severity over the past couple years. I don't really talk about it in general because I've always never felt like burdening others, though I do realize that I've just overburdened myself instead. I've always taken care of other people my whole life, in that people always came to me for help. I guess they were attracted to my strength. I was usually the only one that knew wtf to do in any stressful, chaotic or crisis-like scenario. I dunno, I always assumed the leadership role because no one else would know what to do.

I guess I'm scared because now I don't know what to do. And I know no one else knows what to do so I have to keep on keep on truckin' and it's scary because I'm going at it alone - as I always do.

I'm not telling you all this for any reason other than the fact that I love you, you asked me to let you know how I'm doing and I see no reason to lie or hold anything back.

Life is meant to be lived. 

We're only here for so long.

Don't lose yourself in whatever guilt or shame you may have felt. You didn't do any of this. People deserve with whatever they put up with. I chose to stay with you. The only thing you can control is yourself. I knew I had no control over anything you did. I knew that. I knew that I can only affect my own behaviors and thoughts. Then I realized that I couldn't handle anymore of it because I was just making myself suffer at that point, and I'm no masochist.

Anyway, don't lose yourself in guilt or shame. Be honest with yourself. If you are unhappy with your past or things you did in the past, simply realize that whatever things you feel should simply give you the motivation and energy to make your life, and yourself, better. There is so much beauty in the world. There is so much love to be shared. Don't close yourself off from that. Because *that* would be a shame. The only way to love and be loved is if you open your heart to the world. You need to open your heart to yourself. You need to be honest with yourself. You need to find peace. Why? Because you deserve it. 

I grew up surrounded by death. I understood it at an early age. Some people say I'm wise. I just think I'm realistic. I also think it's a sin to live a lie. I don't think anyone should live with any regrets. Holding grudges and harboring hatred, living in the past, being stuck in a dark cloud of pessimism and negativity, living in fear and shame...that isn't living. Life is meant to be lived. Life is love. If anything, all those poopoo things should just simply inspire one to make changes to bring happiness to their lives and open one's heart even more to life and love. If something's not working, then one must change. If having been to the abyss, one should not live in fear of going back and simply destroying everything in their path to somehow, in skewed logic, believing that putting others below them, destroying other people and things in order to send them all there (the plummeting depths of where you have been and are barely scaling out of) that all of that could prevent one from ever returning again. But that really solves nothing and simply pushes them even further from happiness and destroys their humanity and the bits of life and love that were left inside.

I don't know. I guess I'm just in some sort of stoic repose.

You may feel this is inappropriate. You may feel anger. You may feel remorse. You may feel forlorn. You may be strengthening your resolve to achieve health, happiness and a better way of life. I don't know. I'm not you. I'm not trying to force you to do or feel anything - you're the one that has power over that. 

I'm just simply letting you know what's going on, as per your request. 

<3Nikki


p.s. You require more smiles in your life :)
p.p.s. You deserve to be honest with yourself. You deserve to open your heart to yourself and the world :) <3 there are so many people missing out on Barrett's love!!! :D especially the Minoubear she deserves sooooo many cuddles and many many hours of happy playtime =^_^=


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