On Thu, May 26, 2011 at 5:00 PM, Nikki Loehr <evilevilcouch@gmail.com> wrote:

Hi. I'm not entirely cognizant at the moment, but I just wanted to make sure you knew that I haven't harbored any hatred or anger towards you. Yeah there was a lot of bullshit but I don't really care. That shit doesn't matter when you're faced with a chronic illness.

I dunno what's wrong right now, but my friend from HS (that dude Adrian apart of the "cockblock brigade" when you met me) took me to the ER this afternoon.

So far they've done an EKG, took an x-ray of my heart, stuck a catheter in my urethra, stuck an IV drip in my arm, and I'm about to get a CAT scan so they can look at my brain or something. I dunno, I may have had a micro-stroke or some heart thing related to the anemia. The left side of my face and parts of my left arm were sorta numb.

But yeah, like, seriously dude, the past is in the past. I really don't give a shot about all of the crazy shit from back then. Whats the point in focusing on the negative? How is that pleasant in any manner? Theres so much pain and death externally, I choose to not have that within my own mind. Yeah, there's physical pain, but I didnt cause it. The doctors are trying to figure that out. All I know is that I don't want to die and that I do love you in whatever way that is. I love you as much as I love my Nadya, though I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone for a very long while, so don't worry about me just jumping to the next fool or whatever. That always hurts to see that after a breakup. lol if anything, I really just want a few cabana boys to give me massages and take out my trash, hahaha. I get pretty cranky when dudes get in my personal space lololol. Yeah I've gone on "dates" but I'm basically just getting out of the house and the dudes insist on paying. I guess im partially entertained by the novelty. lol, man, it's sort of hilarious I must say, but maybe I just don't care because my interests and priorities are invested elsewhere. In that, like, I don't wanna die.

Anyway, don't feel weird about shit. The only way for you to move on with clarity is if you are able to forgive yourself.

But yeah I dunno if I'll be able to go home from the hospital tonight or whenever I'll get out. Fucking magnets.

HOPE YOU'RE DOING SWELL, SON. KEEP ROCKIN THE FUCK OUT or whatever the fuck. Yeah.

Man it's cold here I want another fucking blanket. Pft, bitches.

Hey at least I'm more

Oh CAT scan time gtg

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