In Accordance
1. INT. SMALL OFFICE
A young man, perhaps 25, sits at a desk in a cramped office space. He is on the phone. Behind him is a poster, perhaps bought from a museum, depicting a bust of Julius Caesar. The rest of the room is unworthy of description.
YOUNG MAN
But yeah, and then there's this sequence where Nixon goes to China, and he meets with Mao and that uh, translator chick. So Mao's talking through the translator chick, and so his words are being voiced in this Chinese female voice and that really adds to the whole, like, thing. And Nixon's there with Kissinger, and at this point Nixon is established to be kind of like an innocent abroad, as in, he believes in what he's doing, and he's not at all cynical. Of course if you ask like my uncle or any old fucking liberal they all think Nixon was totally cynical and the worst person ever. And they'll tell you that. Like, they have the nerve to tell a guy who came of age during two terms of fuckin', fuckin' George Bush, the world's biggest crackerjack douchebag, that Nixon is a terrible guy. If Nixon was around now I'd vote for him, give him my last dime, suck his fucking cock. Fuck every elderly liberal in this country. "HURRR HURRR NIXON'S A WARMONGER." Fuck off with your Buffalo Springfield bullshit. Nixon withdrew from Vietnam. Do you see them bitching about Johnson? And Johnson was the one who really started that shit off. In Vietnam. Yeah. And he killed their boyfriend Kennedy. Even Johnson's personal attorney said Johnson did that shit. You remember, he wrote that book. I mean, yeah, Nixon should have been shot too but I'd want him to be shot last, or close to last. I'd shoot, uh... let's see. Who the fuck would I shoot first? Who'd you shoot first? Well, think about it. I don't think I'd shoot Truman or Eisenhower. I wouldn't shoot Calvin Coolidge. I'd shoot Woodrow Wilson in the fucking balls and then kick him in the face and leave him to die. In fact, I wouldn't shoot any president except for Woodrow Wilson... No shit you agree. He has zero redeeming qualities. He was a racist fascist warmonger douchebag who imprisoned people who spoke out against fucking World War I. Fuck him. Even Bush used to be cool when he was still an alcoholic. So anyway, Mao and Nixon are talking, and Mao goes, "The Vietnamese are like Russians. Both are dogs. Don't trust them." And Nixon's getting uncomfortable, and he goes, "Well, our two countries can work together for peace, China and the United States." And Mao laughs this evil Chinese laugh like RAH RAH RAH, and he goes, "Is peace all you are interested in? You and I are the same. We come from poor families. Others paid to feed the hunger in us. For me, millions of reactionaries. For you, millions of Vietnamese. History is a symptom of our disease." And then Nixon's all sweating and uncomfortable and there's this music and it goes to a shot of his bombing of Cambodia. Yeah, the Christmas bombings. Actually, Nixon really was a warmonger. Fuck Nixon. But seriously, if you watch this whole sequence, and you see Mao basically stripping down the nature of power to its bare bones, and Nixon having to face it, and the music and all that, and it doesn't effect you and make you cry, like, tears... then I'll kick your fucking ass. Seriously, I've got it on my laptop and we'll watch it tonight and if you're not crying tears for humanity and its lot after watching that scene I will grab your head and I'll bash it against the wall. So what's up at home, the Puerto Ricans over there today? El oh el, are they talking about, like, electronic consumer goods again? Ha, no fucking fuck they are. I'll take a Mexican over a Puerto Rican any day even though Mexicans are the lamest fucking people on the planet. But yeah, actually, Nixon was kind of a warmonger, bombing Cambodia. Fuck Nixon. Fucking Nixon. God damn Amish... god damn Amish warmongers! Ha, Amish warmongers. There's another scene where his mom catches him smoking a cigarette and she's calling him "thee" and "thou" and "thy," or saying, "thy father must be told of thy lying." Oliver Stone is pretty awesome for a guy who's a fucking douchebag. It's a great fucking movie, you'll see. Nah, his dad wasn't Amish, his mom just was so his dad was like, "Okay, Amish. We're Amish."
At this point, the door opens and some 30-something fellow of a gelatin body type comes in.
GELATIN MAN
Connor.
CONNOR
(Still on phone)
... so, yes, Congressman Deistel does indeed support ethanol subsidies because... ethanol is our future. It's a very important energy source and absolutely viable. Not at all a scam. Okay, well thank you for your call.
(Hangs up)
GELATIN MAN
Connor.
CONNOR
Hey. dude, you want some ethanol? Let's do some... (laughs) let's do some fucking ethanol, brah.
GELATIN MAN
Connor.
CONNOR
What? What do you want?
GELATIN MAN
There's an article up on Gawker...
CONNOR
I bet it sucks. Gawker. Is it written in like, Gawker style, where they Gawk and they're all snarky and untalented...
GELATIN MAN
It's got the text of a response written under the congressman's name, from this office, to a constituent.
CONNOR
Is it about ethanol and how great ethanol is?
GELATIN MAN
No, you know what it is.
CONNOR
Because ethanol is fucking amazing. I'm glad Deistel's on board with it. That... Brian, that makes me proud to work here, seeing this guy cater to degenerate fucking Iowan farmers at the expense of the country.
GELATIN MAN
Connor, did you write this?
CONNOR
Probably, what is it?
GELATIN MAN
(reading from printed out sheet)
"Dear Mr. Graves. Thank you for writing with your concerns about the use of marijuana among teenagers. Unfortunately, you live in the wrong country if you actually seek harsher penalties or any penalties at all for those who consume marijuana. The following is a list of shitty little fascist countries to which you ought to move. China, Thailand, North Korea, Iran, Saudia Arabia, Douchebagland, Fascist Island. Go kill yourself. Signed, Congressman Harold Deistel."
CONNOR
Tough but fair.
GELATIN MAN
You wrote this, Connor. You write all the constituent responses.
CONNOR
Look, man, I'm just telling the people what they want to hear.
GELATIN MAN
No, you're not.
CONNOR
Then I'm doing the opposite. Don't tell me how to do my job.
GELATIN MAN
Well, guess what, dude? It's not your job any more.
CONNOR
"Hurrr, I'm a fatass crackerjack and I call people dude, my name's Brian, I'm a chief of staff to a shitty congressman."
GELATIN MAN
Excuse me?
CONNOR
I said, "I'm a pasty ass crackerjack and... I'm Brian..." I actually can't remember the rest. Look, don't tell me how to do my job, Brian.
GELATIN MAN
Dude, guess what? It's not your job anymore. Because you're fired.
CONNOR
Dude, am I totally?
GELATIN MAN
Pack-
CONNOR
Dude dudical dude cowabunga. Dude we've got to stop Shredder. Gnarly.
GELATIN MAN
You have twenty minutes to pack your fucking things and go.
CONNOR
You've got twenty minutes to fuck you.
GELATIN MAN
You want me to call security?
CONNOR
Nah, brah, don't call security, brah! That's totally bogus!
GELATIN MAN
I'm calling them right now. You want to try me? Try me, Connor. See what happens.
CONNOR
I wanna cowabunga pizza party dude dudical dude.
GELATIN MAN
I'm calling.
CONNOR
Faggot. Seriously, though, don't call 'em, I'm leaving.
(Gets up, grabs Julius Caesar poster off the wall)
Send me my last check, though.
GELATIN MAN
You'll get it, get out.
CONNOR
Dude, gnarly. Surf's up.
(leaves)
(offscreen, imitation white/nerd voice)
"You want to try me? You don't want to try me! I'm untryable! I'm a fucking fatass bureaucrat, don't mess with me, man! I'll speak harshly to you!"
GELATIN MAN
Jesus Christ.
CONNOR
(Comes back in)
(Slaps Gelatin Man on back of the head)
How you gonna act, Staypuff?
GELATIN MAN
(spins around in preparation for combat)
CONNOR
(Runs out)
(Offscreen)
"Dude dude hang ten!"
GELATIN MAN
(Walks out of room)
20 seconds pass
CONNOR
(Walks back in)
(Knocks over computer)
(Fake hippie voice)
"Fuck technology, man!"
(Runs out)
2. INT. DEN OF SHITTY APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
A typical Brooklyn apartment of the renovated sort that is rented to hipsters in need of cheap quarters. The walls are mostly whitewashed but adorned with old Gerald Ford campaign posters and other memorabilia of the 20th century. A makeshift entertainment center comprised of milk crates and duct tape sits against one wall, supporting a television, a NES, some cartridges, a phonograph, records, and assorted books. For some reason an old wooden church pulpit sit in the middle of the room. Between television and pulpit are three mismatched chairs upon which sit the three occupants of the apartment: CONNOR, JACOB (skinny white guy), MELVIN (tall, lean, muscular black guy).
CONNOR
What I really need is a new, comprehensive system to run my life. I need to get, like, a notepad, and declare myself a nation, and then write up a constitution, and then deliberate, and just pretend I'm a country. I think I'd be more committed to my own well-being if my life was a political entity. I'll pretend like I have a finance minister and minister of war-
JACOB
Hey, dude, can I be your finance minister? Because I've already got some great fucking ideas about you maybe getting a job so you can start paying rent again.
CONNOR
Shut up, you know what I mean.
JACOB
Dude, I'm making a proposal. I'm submitting an agenda to your fucking brain congress.
MELVIN
Yo, I'll be your war minister.
JACOB
I'll be your minister of you being a fucking degenerate with no job.
MELVIN
Minister of war. Let's beat up, (laughing) let's beat up Nelson. Next time he comes over.
JACOB
Go work at the restaurant with him (nodding to Melvin). Seriously, get up tomorrow morning and go with him and get an application.
CONNOR
I'm not working at the fucking BBQ thing.
MELVIN
But they're hiring. Whatshisname got fired. Come work with me, Connor, it'll be cool.
CONNOR
Who got fired?
MELVIN
Uh, that little DJ guy.
CONNOR
What DJ guy?
MELVIN
The little white guy you let sleep on the floor for a week when he got to New York.
CONNOR
Ha, they fired Scott. That's funny. Fuck that kid.
JACOB
Which one's that?
CONNOR
Oh, he's this dumbass kid we let stay on the floor for a week when he first moved here.
MELVIN
YOU let him stay here.
CONNOR
No shit, black people have no sense of hospitality. Anyway, he thinks he's a DJ because he goes on this little internet video thing and plays techno and like twenty people come in and chat and listen to his music and he's sitting there going
(bobs head and shakes fist in air in the manner of a douchebag DJ)
JACOB
Wow, I'm sorry I missed that. Bring him back over.
CONNOR
Nah, he's not allowed over here anymore because he's a little bitch and he kept accusing us of stealing his cigarettes. Oh, so why'd they fire him?
MELVIN
He was already on probation because he was supposed to be taking out the trash and then Albert goes out there and he's smoking a joint. So Albert's cool with him and just says, "You need to shape up, do you work." And then two days later he comes in an hour late on a Saturday when it's busy and he says he was stuck in traffic.
CONNOR
Okay.
MELVIN
He rides a bike.
JACOB and CONNOR
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
CONNOR
Seriously, fuck that kid. I'm glad I stole all his cigarettes.
JACOB
So, yeah, go work at the BBQ joint.
CONNOR
No, fuck you. I'm not going from congressional staffer to fucking BBQ salesman.
MELVIN
Waiter, dumbass. (mocking white voice) BBQ SALESMAN!
JACOB
When are you getting your last check for however long, two weeks or whatever you worked since the last one?
CONNOR
I'm not getting that.
JACOB
You're not getting your last check?
CONNOR
Nah, they got pissed cause I went back in there after the campaign manager fired, I went back in my office and I knocked over the computer and I guess I fucked it up.
JACOB
What the fuck? Why'd you do that? What the fuck?
CONNOR
No, look, it was awesome, I go back in and I knock over the computer and I go, (hippie voice) "Fuck technology, man!"
JACOB
(Laughs hysterically)
Okay, that's funny. But seriously, you need to get a job.
MELVIN
I don't get it.
CONNOR
It's just like a riff off of pseudo-intellectual people who hate technology, don't worry about it.
MELVIN
Who hates technology?
CONNOR
Certain kinds of white people, don't worry about it, you're from Bed-Stuy, you don't know them.
MELVIN
I know all kinds of white people now thanks to you fags. Hipsters and vampires and all that.
JACOB
So, go with him tomorrow.
CONNOR
Fuck that. I'm working in politics.
MELVIN
How are you even working in politics when you don't have a job in anything?
CONNOR
I'll fucking show you, that's how.
(gets up, leaves room)
MELVIN
Hey, are there white people who are like mummies, too, like the vampires?
JACOB
Are you seriously asking me if there are white people who dress up like mummies?
MELVIN
Yes, I am seriously asking you that.
JACOB
(pause)
Yes. They call themselves "Mums."
CONNOR
(coming back in with laptop)
Alright, you wanna see what the fuck I've got going? Because I'm going to show you fags what I've got going. And you're going to learn.
MELVIN
You need to learn your way to getting a job.
CONNOR
I've got a job.
MELVIN
And what's this "job" you have?
CONNOR
I work for Congressman Diestel.
MELVIN
No, you WORKED for Congressman Diestel and you got fired.
CONNOR
I did get fired. But I still work for the congressman. He just doesn't know it.
CUT TO
CREDIT SEQUENCE:
IN ACCORDANCE
AS CREDITS ROLL, VARIOUS QUICK SCENES APPEAR, ALL CLIPS OF POLITICAL EVENTS TAKEN FROM AMERICAN HISTORY INTERSPERSED WITH ILLUSTRATIONS OF ROMAN HISTORY
NARRATOR
(female voice)
Connor Haden despised Republicans. He also despised Democrats. At the same time, he loved politics and had no greater desire than to participate in the democratic process, which he also despised, along with democracy itself. This would have been a problem for most Americans. But Connor didn't consider himself an American. He considered himself to be a Roman. And Connor considered himself a Roman because Connor was insane. If you want to be a bit more accurate, you could say he had a highly developed sense of humor. The problem was that it was almost impossible for others to tell when he was joking. The other problem was that he couldn't tell, either.
Being a Roman, or a pretend Roman, Connor had spent his youth reading the classics of Roman rhetoric. And just like any Roman who digs rhetoric, Connor spent a good deal of time reading Greek rhetoric, too. On top of that, he had read almost every speech and pamphlet to come from the Founding Fathers, as he considered the Founding Fathers to be Romans, too. Basically, Connor divided the world into Romans, who were virtuous, and Americans, who were not. Sometimes he abandoned this reckoning altogether and praised America as the greatest country in history and denounced the Romans as degenerate parasites. Then he would start praising the Japanese, whom he also despised except when he didn't. You might say that Connor was a versatile thinker, but you'd probably say it sarcastically. Even so, you'd be right by accident. Or maybe not. I've only dated him for a few months so I actually have no fucking idea what to make of all this yet.
SCENES NOW START DEPICTING THE FOLLOWING NARRATED STORYLINE
NARRATOR
(female voice)
Connor has a lot of faults. He's incredibly immature and incorrigibly self-righteous. He brags. He talks mostly about himself, except for when he's talking about history, although he manages to insert himself into that, somehow. He'll be talking about the Ottoman Empire and suddenly the topic just transitions to him. (Pause) Wow, I actually just realized that. That's messed up. You've got to understand that there's a skewed male/female ratio in New York so, you know, he's still technically a catch.
But there's a reason - I mean, a partial reason - why he's so grandiose. Connor is a great writer. He's so good that he won't write under his own name because he says that the strong must hide their strength for... I forgot why, exactly. So instead, he writes under two different pen names. One of these, he pretends to be a Republican. He decided that since all the smart Republicans were no longer Republicans that it would be pretty easy to be the best Republican writer. Apparently this was true because he ended up writing for both the National Review and the Weekly Standard under that pen name. The checks are sent to his uncle, who goes along with it because he's an alcoholic and gets a cut. Meanwhile, he writes for liberal blogs under his other pen name. He says it's harder to be among the best on that because a lot of smart people are still Democrats since they're too big of pussies to be something useful, and you can be a pussy and still write. But he was good enough, apparently, to get a job as a speechwriter for a Democratic congressman; Connor submitted some speeches to the guy by e-mail and he absolutely loved them. The speeches don't pay that much so Connor also applied for a job as a staffer at his office, writing responses to constituents and taking phone calls and all that. He got the job largely by recommending himself, as the speechwriter, via e-mail; he told them that Connor was a good kid who'd worked with him for this other Democratic congressman who's now dead and so he can't say otherwise.
So, that's what Connor meant when he said he still worked for Congressman Deistel.
3. INT. DEN OF SHITTY APARTMENT - EVENING
The same scene as earlier, except Connor is standing at the pulpit.
CONNOR
And that, brothers and sisters, is why I don't have to go work at the fucking BBQ restaurant.
JACOB
When the fuck did you do all this?
CONNOR
I've been doing it for six months now. I told you about it.
JACOB
When?
CONNOR
When you first moved up like two months ago after I hadn't seen you for a while, it was like the first thing I told you. And I'm absolutely positive I've said shit about it like twenty times.
JACOB
Well, I kind of tune out when you start going on about how awesome you are because I don't give a shit.
CONNOR
Do you give a shit now?
JACOB
Yeah, turns out you can pay your rent just fine.
CONNOR
Well, almost. I don't make much off of them.
JACOB
Then go with Melvin to the fucking BBQ restaurant tomorrow.
CONNOR
Yeah, watch me do that.
MELVIN
Come on, man! You'll make some real money instead of this politics money bullshit. I make more than Jacob at his two jobs.
--
Regards,
Barrett Brown
512-560-2302