---------- Forwarded message ----------
From:
Nikki Loehr <evilevilcouch@gmail.com>
Date: Sun, Apr 24, 2011 at 11:45 AM
Subject: Fwd: Rehab Center at a Buddhist Monastery
To:
mirnahariz@gmail.comHello, hellooo
Sorry if this seems creepy for emailing you, but a quick Google search popped up your email address.
This is an email I sent to his mother yesterday afternoon...er, the forwarded message at the bottom of this email.
I think it's a good idea, but I'm not quite sure Barrett would be willing to practice the Sajja. He has much anger seething inside of him, so much suppressed rage. He believes in "destruction." He attempts to destroy that which is outwardly because of the destruction inside of himself and the shambles and ruins he perceives of his past.
If Barrett's recovery is of interest to you then I really hope you read the attached email and read all the pages on the site that I linked.
I'm not quite sure your exact relationship with Barrett, though he told me you are his best friend.
A few days ago I asked him
"Is it bad that I take care of you so much?"
"No."
"Who else takes care of you like this?"
"My mom, Mirna."
"Ah."
So that is why I sent you that initial message on Facebook.
I'm not quite sure how much you care about Barrett and how involved you are willing or not willing to be on this subject, but I'll forward on a couple other emails to his mom that explained a bit of the motivations of his actions and behavior that are part of the root of his propensity toward self-medication.
His mother is considering getting him on Suboxone again. This will not solve anything. It will only extend the problem. He is unable to focus on things he wants to accomplish in his life while sober, because he has demons that he has never confronted. Being on opiates helps him not pay attention to the negative aspects of his life. Being on opiates helps him focus on the positive. He does not believe he can focus on the positive while sober. He has not been able to for a long time. He has been avoided that confrontation in his life and has continued to do so through the self-medication of drug use.
* * *
To explain a bit of why I am elaborating so much on this subject:
My niece is a psychometrician in Austin. She performs diagnostic assessments and aids in the diagnosis of patients for a clinical psychologist
My sister's done neuroscience research at Harvard, Princeton, MIT, the Institut Curié, etc.
When I as in high school I swallowed 300 pills of aspirin and was in the ICU for a week, nearly died, and was admitted to Greenoaks. Over a 2-3 year span, I'd gone back there about five times or so. I have never had an addiction problem, so I've never "technically" gone to "rehab," but that hospitalization and treatment afterward IS rehab. The only difference between what I experienced and what an addict would experience during in-patient or out-patient hospitalization is that one session a day the addicts have their own group therapy session. Other than that, it's the exact same program.
My point with this diatribe is that -- in a manner -- I'm the same type of crazy as Barrett. The only difference, aside from his propensity toward self-medication, is that I've never had anger issues. I can empathize with all of the fucking crazy that he is and all the bullshit that he's thrown around. I have done the same in the past to my family. But, again, the difference is that I overcame it long ago. And, well, I've never had anger issues. My (azn) family was verbally abusive, so I internalized all that pain and destroyed myself from the inside. Barrett externalizes that energy and destroys himself from the outside-in, as evidenced with his drug use and intense bouts of anger in attempts to destroy those peripheral to his environment (as a means to maintain a semblance of safety within his immediate environment, e.g. "obliterating an opposing army attacking and seeking entrance to his castle and those posing a threat to his kingdom"). He seeks to destroy those around him and escapes into drugs so as to not acknowledge and face his own vices, faults, the guilt and shame of his past actions and failures he feels within himself. He does not attempt to get to the root of the problem, he only attempts to alleviate the symptoms. It's a superficial and inefficient manner of going about it, but he never learned any better throughout his lifetime.
Throughout his withdrawals, throughout the tumultuous whirlwind that took place in his mind, I was at his side. I know what is like. You feel so alone at that point already and if not for the people that love you and professional help, nothing matters and the pain is so encompassing that you will not only try to destroy yourself but everything around you. Because it lost all meaning. Because you gave up on yourself long ago. Because before you gave up on yourself, you felt that the world and the people around you gave up on you long before that.
Though, again, change comes from within. He can only overcome this if he is fully dedicated toward treatment.
...
Anyway, my point is that I am much more knowledgeable than the layman about what he is and has been going through, due to my own personal experience and decade long research into the subject (because of my own treatment), but also because my family works in the field - and, like, I'm even going to get a masters or Ph.D. in clinical psych in the future. It's sort of like how, within outpatient therapy and treatment, a therapist that sees patients with drug addiction problems is really only qualified to treat those with a drug addiction if they have been a drug addict themselves. This statement is not necessarily to dismiss or discredit my evaluation of Barrett's situation, but just reiterating the fact that my pursuits within the field are not unwarranted, and that I understand the depth and history of his motivations for self-medication and addiction, though, again, my understanding that the specific treatment for his addictions needs special care and attention. He will require a treatment plan and therapy in order to work through those things that have driven him toward self-medication once he is able to learn how to not seek out those types of self-destructive behaviors.
Barrett would dismiss my suggestions most of the time when I would confront this subject with him, telling me I was wrong and that my assessment was unfounded. I very well could be wrong. But I just know that, for some reason, when three friends attempted suicide, they turned to me, and I got them the help that they needed. For some reason they say they owe their lives to me. Though, really, I did not do anything. They saved themselves.
Barrett needs to save himself. He can't expect anyone to save him. He turns to his loved ones to take care of him, but they really only help sustain his life and clean up the mess in the aftermath. This does not help him and only allows him to continue on this path of self-destruction and self-loathing.
* * *
Anyway, again, I do not know how close you are with Barrett and if you even feel like getting involved in any manner -- you have your own responsibilities and stressors within your own life. I'm not asking you to get involved, but I am simply giving you this information on the account/assumption that you may be very close to him and are concerned about his well-being.
Best,
Nikki Loehr
p.s. As a side note, in elaboration of a point in the email below, Barrett may be further motivated to do this to keep a journal throughout this period and either write a book or long article that he could sell to a big magazine or something. It's always a great motivator to be recognized and compensated for your efforts, talent and hard work. One thing he could do is keep a journal and then write a long article of his account for a magazine (or several articles for varying outlets, depending on the outlet), then pursue a book afterward that elaborates on the subject, so it'd be win-win-win for him.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From:
Nikki Loehr <evilevilcouch@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, Apr 23, 2011 at 12:49 PM
Subject: Rehab Center at a Buddhist Monastery
To: Karen Lancaster <
lancaster.karen@gmail.com>
I was talking to a friend of mine in Chicago, and she told me about this rehab program at a monastery in Thailand.
It is a free rehabilitation program. The only cost involved is the travel there (the plane ticket, which may be about ~$1000-1200) and the cost of food, cigarettes, toiletries, etc which is basically 200 Thai Baht per day (equivalent to ~$6.70 US dollars). His lease is up in May, and his rent is $700, so this may not be that bad of an investment. A local in-patient program at a hospital usually costs about $1500+ per day (without insurance), whereas a 28 day program with this will only cost ~1250-1450 (that includes the plane ticket, taxi ride from the airport to the monastery and daily cost of living at the monastery).
Obviously Barrett can only overcome his dependency if he is wholly committed to it.
Though, a large and convincing motivator for participating in this rehab is that it'd totally give him amazing things to write about. He'd probably get really excited about the idea of writing about his experience of detoxing in a Buddhist monastery in Thailand. And him getting out of the country would ease his fears of going to prison. I think it'd be exceedingly freeing for him -- and it sounds "exciting" and "exotic" (though obviously will be very hard work), but I think it'd be a motivator for him to do it, because then he could brag about it. I think he wants to get clean...I do, but he's obviously having problems being able to cope with life, reality and stress off of drugs. He doesn't remember how to live a sober life. He wants to...but he forgot. He needs help in order to remember. I think this could help him.
Nikki
Barrett relapsed on heroin :(
Meg
:(
dammit
*sigh*
i have a good friend who has done the same many times. She finally went to a rehab center at a monastery in Thailand, and is doing awesome
takes a lot of reprogramming to kick something like that
Nikki
whoa crazy awesome
haha
that sounds badass
Meg
she's gained weight, looks all glowy now. I'm soooo prpud of her
she let go of a lot of pain and ruminations about ow shit her life has been
Nikki
:)
hey, um, do you think you could find out what rehab center that was?
Meg
yes
Here is the link to the rehab program at the Thamkrabok monastery:
Read all the pages on the site.
I don't know, I just, I think it could help save him. Maybe. Hopefully.
But he can only be saved if he wants to be saved.
I love him.