"Who I Was; Starting Davidson"
Subject: "Who I Was; Starting Davidson"
From: Nikki Loehr <evilevilcouch@gmail.com>
Date: 3/3/11, 19:53
To: barriticus <barriticus@gmail.com>

by Darryl Ratcliff

Leaving Dallas:

I loved her like my mother;
Davidson is just a wonderful dream.
What I took to be my brother,
hanging in the cellar
was just a lady dancing,
and I was lost in her long black hair.
There was a wire whip and scars;
I cry every time I see
the sun; it hurts
to laugh and smile sometimes.
My heart split asunder leaving Texas,
and a city of fantastic fakeness,
that I can’t leave all at once.

Dallas:

North Park, where everyone wears polo and khakis,
Danny G and the Band light up the mall;
trumpet and alto sax; “Summertime”
Old standards that make the white
heads swoon. Fill the glass
with greenbacks. I know
everyone by name, invite them 
to the MAC near West Village
where everyone has a story
and money and are beautiful.

We be so beautiful and cool
hip and romantic
The Conduit, MAC
Angry Dog; Café Brazil until at least 3:00 A.M.
Southside on Lamar
Matt’s Studio on the roof, empty
bottles and smoked filled rooms
Sonic Youth and Audio Slave
We are high – minded and gracious
Open to black whites Hispanics
and Asians. We only discriminate
on people not as intriguing and talented
as ourselves. Who can’t laugh
at nothing or strike a pose.
Articulate something about the human soul.
Nikki’s pink and blond brown hair
Shauna’s head wraps, Danny’s Armani glasses
Me, who at any moment may give them life,
Make our nights immortal, put our stars
into the sky to burn, hotter and brighter – 
We make constellations.
We are fun and eclectic we have grace,
sangfroid. We perfect the art
of effortlessness. And, my God,
we are so real. We have overcome
problems danced with suicides
and addictions. Fearless from kissing
Death, 250 pills and a razor
Our eyes flash dangerously with truth
and darkness. We wear
our scars proudly. We chatter up and down
both sides of great topics. Bands
movies, and cookies. We don’t offend
easily. We aren’t offended.
We flick each other off with a kiss
Punch each other and massage the bruise
We can ride moonlight rays into the sky.
We are friends to the night.
Our cell phones never die.
We drive fast testing the limits of shiny cars
flashing lights and our own adrenaline.
We are invisible whirlwinds. Touching everything,
leaving nothing the same. We so cool
that we is we; we don’t even need a name.

DeSoto:

I speak and I bless the air,
with my rune covered speech.
When I am happy, the sun shines,
and trees threaten to burst
like green sunflowers.
When I am sad, it rains;
driving through Desoto
going over Cockerel Hill
windshield wipers clicking in time
with eyelashes blinking tears away.

I had never imagined being sixteen
would leave me so jaded
That when I sucked the rich crumbly earth 
I would taste the grubworms hidden underneath.

Stanford University with palm trees opening
like the eyes of the Jewish girl, after our first kiss.
Memories of 5th Ward Houston, Texas:
the dice falling on my Uncle’s crap tables,
hitting the green felt like a babies rattle.
How every lawn had a broken rusted car,
and children’s feet were scarred
from stepping on shattered beer glass.

At sixteen, I read Tolstoy, Il Prince, and I was The Courtier
I had shaken hands with the President.
I had written every poem that I ever wanted to write
I had tasted every chitlin I had ever wanted to taste.
I had won contests; nabbed lights and applause;
and GianCarlo, you wouldn’t believe how I had sinned.
At night I would feel the weight of every heart
I had crushed, every promise I had broken
every dream I had given up; spinning around
the blades of my ceiling fan, scattering like moonlight
across my room.
I would lay in bed and not want to get up.
Wondering what more life could have to offer.

For I had stolen the wheel chair and I was an Eagle Scout.
For I had partied in a mansion, in the vanguard of a city
of 1.2 million people, and I had milked the cow.
For I had rocked out at The Door and could screw, chop, remix,
and recite anything from deadprez to Jay-Z
For I had been recruited to sell weed and I was stand up and straight edged.
For I had lived many guy’s fantasies and had tasted forbidden fruits.
For I had prayed and been delivered and heard the voice of God.
For I had been loved and respected, envied and hated.
And my Lord, my Lord, I was so real.

That night I almost killed myself
the knife flashing like perch right underneath
the lake’s calm surface.

For I had wrestled with demons and climbed Jacob’s ladder.
For I had fallen in love with a girl 2,000 miles away
whose name was Mariana, which means “The woman more beautiful than a sunset.”
For I had finally seen the green light,
and started running towards it at a terrifying speed,
and I haven’t slowed down yet.