Welcome to The Faster Times update. In today's edition, we bring you the hot mess that was the Oscars, a revolution cheatsheet, policy points in the Middle East, Alan Keyes on DOMA, and MLB apologies. Enjoy!

Last night’s 83rd Academy Awards were like the messy, awkward family party that happens when your grandfather (Kirk Douglas) has had too much “punch”, your uncle (Christian Bale) is having a drinking contest with random family members you don’t know, and your sister (Anne Hathaway) is shouting personal information to the whole room, while her polite and lovely husband (Colin Firth) sits in the corner uncomfortably. But those kinds of parties always make for the best stories, and last night’s Oscars were pretty entertaining due to the simple fact that everyone was a mess.

Tunisia:

Prime Minister Ghannouchi, a remnant of the old regime who held his position under Ben-Ali, announced his resignation in response to the violence that has erupted again over the last week. Protesters calling for his resignation were previously subject to harsh police crackdowns, resulting in several deaths.

American foreign policy elites are now facing the difficult choice of deciding if our short-term goals are in fostering democracy in the Middle East, or in quietly propping up authoritarian allies in the region. Even if policy-makers have a choice, it not an easy one to make. Certainly, in the long run, democracy in the Middle East would likely remove the breeding conditions for terrorism and resentment towards the West, but in the short run, transitioning toward democracy is a highly volatile project and in the meantime our strategic interests in the region could be compromised.

Only Alan Keyes could steal Newt Gingrich’s thunder on the Defense of Marriage Act, unless Thor and/or Pat Robertson entered the fray last-minute. Breaking from the time-honored conservative tradition of comparing one’s ideological enemies to Nazis in order to plumb new depths of hyperbole, Keyes wrote in his WorldNetDaily column on February 25th that “granting homosexuals the right to marry is like granting plantation owners the right to own slaves.” Let that marinate, kids. I know I am.

In a New York Post interview in Sunday’s paper, baseball legend Hank Aaron lashed out at Alex Rodriguez, criticizing him for supposedly saying “he had a great winter.” Hammering Hank said A-Rod “should have a great winter all the time,” and criticized the Yankee’s focus. But that’s not what A-Rod said. And Aaron completely missed the point Rodriguez was making, and took what he did actually say out of context, ignoring the reason behind Rodriguez’s quote — his complete recovery from his hip injury.