Welcome to The Faster Times update. In today's edition, we bring you an identity crisis, stock tips, a cell phone bill surprise, The Dilemma, and help with New Year's resolutions. Enjoy!

Today, I woke up a Virgo. What the hell? Without anyone consulting me, the Zodiac sign dates changed. They even added one, Ophiuchus, which sounds like something I should have caught after too much drunken sex in Costa Rica last week (just kidding, mom, and girl(s) I’m dating!).

I’m very offended by all the sarcastic commentary surrounding 50 Cent‘s stock market tips this week. People are mocking his penny stock pump-and-dump and Facebook valuation thesis as though he has no business talking finance whatsoever.

I beg to differ; I’ve been reading Mr. Cent’s investing books for years.

It’s 2011 and I’m still unemployed. The holidays are over so I can start whining again. I have worked 1 ½ days as a substitute teacher. Can you live on $80/week? And I’ve discovered the latest burdensome irony in my state of underemployment. My cell phone bill has been really huge the last couple of months.

It takes a special kind of mainstream mush to waste Vince Vaughn, Kevin James, Winona Ryder, Jennifer Connelly and your money all at once. Screenwriter Alan Loeb and director Ron Howard have found the formula. They’ve made a movie so totally and resolutely mediocre that it’s almost impressive.

I know we’ve got a fantastic book section over here at TFT, but I don’t think Lincoln would mind if I took a shot at talking about the greatest catalog of punks on film to ever come out.