This will be my last whiney oh I'm so hurt email and then we can be normal again. Or as normal as this can be.
I am still incredibly fragile. I lost a lot of faith in you over the weekend. I need to regain that trust and learn not to be wary. I need to know that you won't suddenly hurt me. I need to regain composure and certainty. I am able to function, I'm eating again and I slept for the first time right through last night. (I sound like a new mother - she slept right through hurrah!) I can see a way forward and I have regained focus. But my heart is sore. I took a beating and I can tell I am still processing it in order to put it behind me. My emotions are frayed and I need to heal - you can help me with this. Indeed you're the only one who can. I need you to be gentle with me. So I need to hear that you love me. I need to feel that you care and I need to become comfortable with trusting you not to hurt me again. I can't fight with you, I haven't the strength, nor inclination. I need to become close to you again and feel your love.
So please, try to email me each day, even just a little note saying you're thinking of me and you love me. Try to send me videos as often as you can. Keep in touch with me and please remain honest always with me. I need to know how you are, with your addiction, with your work. I need to know about you and your psychology. I want you to let me in. Confide in me. Use me as a sounding board. Feel comfortable with telling me anything because you know you can. I am 100% on your side, you know that. In return I will support you through everything. I'll help you in whatever way I can. I will be here for you. Or there for you. I am somewhere for you, anyway, at the moment its England but in the future it could be anywhere. (Jessica will be applying to Harvard and we are considering moving to the States for the duration.) Just know that you have me and you can talk to me about any damn thing you choose. You are my other "Jessica". My love for you is unconditional. If she was in trouble or had a problem, no matter how small, I would move heaven and earth to help her through it. The same goes for you. There are a number of ways to contact me - online obviously, through Jessica's facebook also - she tends to be online half the night anyway on skype and her facebook is always on, so if you need me she will be awake through the night and can tell me, and via my mobile, the number of which I gave you in two previous emails. But here it is again with country codes - all set to dial, should you need to : 011 44 7749 754489.
One thing - I really do want to make this happen and I want it to be good. I masturbated this morning for the first time in a good number of days (which is a long time in Emmawank Land) and it was good because I know the reality of being with you will be something that will knock me sideways, will imprint on my memory and change me. And yes, my womb will explode. But that is a metaphor so there will be no blood. Suffice to say I had the most rocking fucking orgasm and I swear I could feel your cock forcing its way up me and out of my mouth. Don't laugh but that is really fucking hot.
So yeah, baby steps, gentle with me. I love you SO MUCH.