Re: Jack

On Wed, Dec 1, 2010 at 6:12 AM, emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com <emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:

I dreamt that you had replied to this and it was all okay, you understood my need for reassurance, you were joking and playful. You told me that your hard nosed cynical pundit persona was the one everyone got to see and only I got to see the real you. You also wrote that you would teach me lots of intellectual things because you read lots of books all the time and you would set me tests. I got quite apprehensive at this point. Luckily it was just a dream.

I don't know what to do with myself except write. You're offline, probably asleep. I had a different dream after the one where you replied. I was in my old Hall of Residence at University and you apparently lived nearby and for some reason I had never invited you over (?) even though in my dream we had been conducting the same romance as we have in reality but I had not thought to say come over and stay, Barrett. So I wrote to you and said why don't you come over and stay with me tonight, Barrett. Then I was going up to my room on all these escalators, very excited. And I don't know what happened next because I woke up. And now its morning here, snowing as usual. I have done something unconscionable, I feel terrible about it and I want to apologise or cut myself or do something to make you see I did not mean to hurt you.

I absolutely love you, thats the first thing that I must lay before the altar of my sacrifice in which you officiate. This love makes me feel and say things that will appear bizarre to you - for example - the wanting to consume you and give birth to you. That is, no matter, how I look at it, pretty fucking bizarre. It stems from a feeling of the deepest, most unconditional love I've ever felt, which is for my daughter - so, extrapolating that love and transplanting it to you, there you have my wish to give birth once again to a love that will transform my life. (so actually not quite so bizarre, when one delves a little deeper)

However of course, the love I feel for you and which I wish us to experience together is a totally different kind of transformative love. It is sexual love. And with that comes a whole raft of psychology which I won't even begin to try to unravel. But let me try. For me it involves the giving of myself in the most honest and vulnerable way. Of course it's incredibly fucking super hot and sexy because you turn me on so much but aligned with that is a desire to communicate something more profound. That giving and the subsequent vulnerability is very scary for me. I am putting myself on the line, I'm giving you power over me, the power to hurt me. I am trusting you with my deepest self. I can't give more than that, its all I have, but I want to give it to you. Everything.

It soothes me to write because I can forget for a time that I have upset you and that you aren't talking to me, whilst simultaneously being aware that I am engaged in an endevour that could hopefully make you talk to me again.

I feel incredibly cloddish in the way I have acted over this Jack business. I do not think I'm normally this dense but I appear to have been saving up all my density for this one moment in which I could so infuriate you that you would leave me without a comforting word, thereby making me think I have ruined my best chance for happiness. It is very difficult to maintain perspective when dealing with words on a screen devoid of human cues. I would not feel this alienation if I could feel your warm body, sense your mood, or see your expression or we could make up in the normal manner. I actually now have got into the habit of thinking about how you talk in your videos and try to imagine you saying things in the way you say them, so that I can get a better feel for what you mean, your point. That is why I love your videos so much. I am trying so hard to understand what goes inside your mind and heart. You can see I get it wrong.

Here is a hard thing for me to admit but I mistrust men. I never had a proper father, who loved me. Thats as simply as I can explain it. I think that all men will reject me just like my father did. My mum has told me she will give me his address and I can get in touch but I always refuse. I do not want to. I can see there are probably unresolved issues there which inform my relationships with men. I am aware of that and try to be mindful. I am asking you to try to understand that in the same way that you have detachment issues regarding your fathers treatment of you, similarly I have abandonment issues combined with self worth issues - why wasn't I good enough for him? Didn't he love me?

So I build up defence mechanisms which include erecting barriers which I employ at the slightest hint that I may be being rejected - hence the reaction to the Jack fucking London piece. I over reacted, confronted you, because I had to, because to not do so would be to internalise the fear of rejection, store it and have it fester, poisoning my subsequent interactions with you.

I think I am easily duped, because I am soft, easily manipulated and when I fall in love I fall hard. I am wary that I am possibly setting myself up only to be rejected. I am not just wary, I am very scared. I am unsure or myself, its not an act to get you to compliment me. I am genuinely, absolutely not confident in my own allure. This letter seems disjointed. I feel disjointed, uncentred, off target because of this upset and our falling out. I'm so depressed and I have to wait 300 years for you to wake.

It is snowing even heavier. This whole letter may be in vain because I may be about to be buried under the most snow ever to fall on England since the Ice age. I don't want to stop writing because then it feels like my link to you is severed. I have said enough. Please forgive me, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just want to hold you and make this all okay and I absolutely fucking love you. Thats the truth.

On Wed, Dec 1, 2010 at 7:43 AM, emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com <emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:

Im utterly despairing. Not being melodramatic. I'm going offline. I can't bear to see you online and not talking to me. I fear you need someone thicker skinned than me. I've fallen in love with you and it really hurts.

On Wed, Dec 1, 2010 at 7:15 AM, emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com <emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:

Please don't be mad with me, I can't bear it. Even though I may deserve your wrath, and I'm not sure I do, I think I also deserve understanding and tenderness. Have mercy on me.

On Wed, Dec 1, 2010 at 7:02 AM, emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com <emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:

now you're hurting me more. I acknowledge I was mistaken, maybe even temporarily insane because I understood all of the blonde Arian fascist stuff but still decided to go with the Barrett is having a dig at me angle. Although *angle* sounds cynical and i was not cynical, just genuinely upset. I tried to explain it before. I will reiterate. I was not dismissing your opening up to me.

I do not know you well yet, Barrett. I only know the persona you put out there with glimpses of the real man- the first of which I got when you told me about your dad. Your persona is one of hardened and cynical, worldly political commentator. You are scary. You are everything I am not used to. I am so far from that that I often get it wrong, and in this case, spectacularly so, even when in my mind I actually have worked it out but somehow just decide to confront you anyway for what? To get myself into more trouble, or because I have a death wish. I do not know. I do know that I feel utterly wretched right now.

On Wed, Dec 1, 2010 at 6:48 AM, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:
What the fuck is there to talk about? You don't believe anything I say anyway. I spent a happy evening reading a book and reviewing it and you decide that because the plot involves a woman being attracted to a man due to his masculinity that must be some sort of secret message to you in particular rather than the basis for the vast majority of sexual relationships and a common theme in stories involving romance. When I point out that the woman calls the guy a blonde superman it's because I have blonde hair and because you think I'm super rather than because it's hilarious because Hitler was into blond supermen and this is a book against fascism. I was telling you things about my childhood that I've never told anyone else before just for kicks. I was writing you romantic messages even while I was reading this book and writing a review for the purpose of making fun of you for liking me, and I guess I was doing so just so it would hurt you more because that's what I do, I've dedicated my life to hurting people.

On Wed, Dec 1, 2010 at 1:07 AM, emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com <emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:

Talk to me, this is the first time we have not thrashed something out
until both understand. Help me understand.

On 12/1/10, emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com <emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:
> Barrett?
>
> On 12/1/10, emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com <emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com>
> wrote:
>> I am astounded that you could not have forseen this reaction from me.
>> You have opened up to me and for that I am grateful. However I have
>> also told you there are times when you are curt or dismissive and
>> maybe I considered this one of those times.
>> I often feel that I perhaps like you more than you like me. And I know
>> that makes it sound like we are in school but I sometimes get that
>> feeling. That coupled with my having a daughter, being older than you,
>> being cluelessly British and not au fait with drug culture or anything
>> that goes with it, being insecure anyway about my allure, or how
>> attractive you find me, thinking mainly that i'm a charity case or
>> that you probably only tolerate me because, well I don't actually
>> know. These things regularly flit in and out of my head and yes I know
>> you were reading London and it just happened to have parallels to
>> reality but it touched a nerve and I had to have it out with you
>> otherwise it would have assumed greater significance than it perhaps
>> warrants. If that is the case I apologise. I do not mean to belittle
>> you or the fact that you opened up to me, which I value enormously or
>> that I dismiss your writing. I think I am probably too sensitive. And
>> I would ask you to try to understand my insecurities or to explain to
>> me where I am going wrong.
>>
>> On 11/30/10, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:
>>> I came across this novel last night and the portions I've read happened
>>> to
>>> consist largely of Jack London writing about a character that clearly
>>> reflects his own view of himself and a woman who reflects how he thinks
>>> women look at him. I am making fun of Jack London. I would have written
>>> the
>>> exact same thing had I not known you. The fact that you consider me to
>>> be
>>> what Jack London wanted to be did not influence anything I've written. I
>>> am
>>> astounded that after the way I've opened myself up to you you would
>>> accuse
>>> me of thinking or doing anything of the sort.
>>>
>>> On Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 6:37 PM, emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com <
>>> emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:
>>>
>>>> It's a convenient coincidence don't you think?
>>>>
>>>> On 11/30/10, emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com <emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com>
>>>> wrote:
>>>> > I don't fucking think so. I'm always going on about how much you turn
>>>> > me on and such like and also about your blonde good looks and your
>>>> > all
>>>> > round cleverness, your brain, your attractiveness and your effect on
>>>> > me and then you write a piece about a blonde alpha male and a lustful
>>>> > female admirer and the rather obvious effect he has on this star
>>>> > struck sex started gagging for it nympho. And i'm supposed to think
>>>> > its not about me or how lame you think this all is? Like all I am is
>>>> > a
>>>> > fucking wet cunt for you.
>>>> >
>>>> > On 11/30/10, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:
>>>> >> What? This is not a dig at you, it is a dig at Jack London for
>>>> >> writing
>>>> >> self-indulgent fan fiction about himself.
>>>> >>
>>>> >> On Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 6:22 PM, emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com <
>>>> >> emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:
>>>> >>
>>>> >>> It is fictional but has pointed references and parallels to real
>>>> >>> life
>>>> >>> which you acknowledge here and must have known i'd recognise too,
>>>> >>> on
>>>> >>> reading it. Either you are having a dig at me or you are unaware.
>>>> >>> Since you are plainly not unaware I must assume the latter. I
>>>> >>> suppose
>>>> >>> my 'leaking vagina' is a source of great amusement for you.
>>>> >>>
>>>> >>> On 11/30/10, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:
>>>> >>> > Yes, that occurred to me as I was writing it, but in that case it
>>>> >>> > was
>>>> >>> > a
>>>> >>> > fictional case in which Jack London is basically praising
>>>> >>> > himself,
>>>> and
>>>> >>> > he
>>>> >>> > had nothing on me, of corse.
>>>> >>> >
>>>> >>> > On Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 5:48 PM, emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com <
>>>> >>> > emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:
>>>> >>> >
>>>> >>> >> The blonde superman being lusted after by the 'leaking vagina'
>>>> sounds
>>>> >>> >> very like me and my lust for you. You pig.
>>>> >>> >>
>>>> >>> >
>>>> >>> >
>>>> >>> >
>>>> >>> > --
>>>> >>> > Regards,
>>>> >>> >
>>>> >>> > Barrett Brown
>>>> >>> > 512-560-2302
>>>> >>> >
>>>> >>>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> --
>>>> >> Regards,
>>>> >>
>>>> >> Barrett Brown
>>>> >> 512-560-2302
>>>> >>
>>>> >
>>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> --
>>> Regards,
>>>
>>> Barrett Brown
>>> 512-560-2302
>>>
>>
>

--
Regards,

Barrett Brown
512-560-2302