Re: I am naked and ready and I love you

And every bit of affection and honesty you display to me, I treasure, Barrett. I drink those words on like Im dying of thirst. Because they come from your heart and I love your heart. I can't even express what I feel in these words. I'll have to show you how much I love you, with all of me.

On Mon, Nov 1, 2010 at 10:10 PM, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:

Thank you, Emma. I love you. None of this comes naturally me, so for what it's worth, every bit of affection and honesty I display should be taken as more significant than it would coming from a normal person to whom love and trust come easily.

On Mon, Nov 1, 2010 at 6:02 PM, Emma Allan <emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:
Right, I totally get that - I understand perfectly now. You're swamped with work, you have the whole suboxone thing and I can't even imagine what it was like when you were on the real stuff. Thats so far beyond my comprehension, and I admire you for getting through it and still being you. I don't want to sound trite or patronising but I do think you are amazingly resilient. I worry about you, though (as my panic when you didn't reply to me for an hour shows - when you'd gone out for a walk) I thought you'd collapsed with stomach pains or something horrible.

And I can't imagine at all what it must be like to have all the work and that email Inbox (mine is just full of you, love, sex and two from Clark, about you) and I now appreciate all the more that you reply to me almost immediately when there must be a million other things for you to reply to. I feel like a completely selfish cunt (AGAIN) when will I ever stop being so self obsessed and thinking your life revolves around me? Probably never, but I will try to remember you have all this other stuff going on.

What I mean to say is I loved those first emails you sent me - they were about me, and how you felt about me and the work I did and not just all sex although there was an awful lot of sex. Which is good. We need sex. I know what a relationship is without sex and it is not a relationship.

I want to say this. I'll work hard to make this work if you really want that. Because I do. I want the honesty and openness and closeness you talked about in those halcyon days of yore. This romance makes me quite giddy, confused, unable to eat, all the things I thought Id never feel again.

On Mon, Nov 1, 2010 at 9:34 PM, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:

Those times aren't over and in fact they've barely begun. I'm not just saying that to reassure you. There are going to be days - particularly when we're apart - when you don't get that from me, and you're going to take that as a sign that I don't feel the same way. You've got to remember that I just recently switched over from one of the most dramatic psychoactive substances on the planet to another more subtle version of the same thing, that I've been spending time in an office that itself has all kinds of bizarre shit going on, some of which is going to determine whether or not I end up getting rich, that I have Project PM to deal with and oversee and which is incomparably distracting insomuch as that it may be my life's work, I'm about to be involved in legal action with one publishing house while hopefully negotiating a deal with another one that will decide a great portion of my future, I've got a film treatment to do that could itself very well end up being produced as a major Hollywood release assuming I do it right, my first political campaign, I've got all sorts of concepts I'm trying to put down on paper and organize, I've got a blog I'm supposed to be writing for, now I've got a whole new level of conspiracy and potential with Lou Reese, and there's this Iranian guy with links to the opposition, and basically there's just so much going on that frankly I feel need to distance myself from this fucking 6-dimensional chess match sometimes, and if you were here, that wouldn't be a problem, but the thing is that I interact with you by the same means as I do with everything else, which is this e-mail inbox. You can't even imagine what it's like to open this thing up every day. And then there are the shared Google docs - probably five or six dozen for Project PM alone. Many days I won't open any of these e--mails. I guess what I'm trying to say is I want you to be here with me as a real person so I can better separate you from what has become a maelstrom.

On Mon, Nov 1, 2010 at 5:10 PM, Emma Allan <emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:
Its not the subject matter of your absorption - I understand and I don't judge it as trivial or mundane. I mentioned the dwarves as an example. I like watching One Tree Hill (although it is getting on my nerves as it has gone into the realm of the ridiculous lately with Hayley (the sensible wife of Nathan the basketball star setting fire to things and giving her son left over chinese food for breakfast - the sure sign of a womans descent into madness.) There are other irritating plot devices (namely the dead wife of another character coming back and being played by the same actress only this time we are asked to believe she is an extraordinary doppelganger. Don't stop talking to me about the Dwarves because I actually like hearing about them because I just like being included in things that interest you. It makes me feel good to know you want to share things with me. So please don't stop. Write anything to me, I love it all. Its from you.

What was my point? That I am not denigrating your love of Dwarf Fortress. Play it all day long and all night too. As long as I feel sure of you and me. I just needed to say this and that I'm still here and that I miss the you that *fucking loved me* and wanted to get his hands all over me, whisper in my ear and snarl at me.

On Mon, Nov 1, 2010 at 8:55 PM, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:
I want you to come. If it seems like I'm sometimes absorbed in other things, it's because I am. The majority of my day is spent absorbed in something that might seem mundane and thus insulting to you by virtue of me being engrossed in it but the fact is that my mind gets drawn to things on occasion because I something there that's worth exploring. I've been writing to you a about this because it's something I'm interested for a lot reasons (and it goes beyond it being a game, no matter how silly it sounds) and you were the one with whom I was most inclined to talk to about it.

On Mon, Nov 1, 2010 at 4:35 PM, Emma Allan <emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:

I have been looking at flights since my passport came back, it would take me approximately 13.5 hours and Id arrive about 2.45pm into Dallas Fort Worth, I know the best prices and I was thinking about the 19th and I keep nearly booking one and then I think you don't really like me or that you've gone off me and so I don't. I still find this very hard to accept, I suppose. I am waiting to be hurt or discarded. When you tell me you've been for walks because I make you feel like doing that or that you listened to that song over and over, it makes me feel good but I don't know how strong your feeling is or whether you just feel you need someone *safe* who has no pretensions and isn't fake. It overwhelms me, when I think about you and I felt that from you when we first had that explosion of sex that we had. I felt that you were really into me, in a way I found intoxicating. I would have literally done anything for you. Now I feel like dwarves are more exciting than the prospect of me coming to see you and its off putting.

On Mon, Nov 1, 2010 at 8:16 PM, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:
I guess you could hurry up and get here and then afterwards we can decide what to do in terms of a living situation.

On Mon, Nov 1, 2010 at 4:07 PM, Emma Allan <emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:

Barrett, I do not care to be placated with promises or *high level* whatever. I would clean the bathroom as long as I could see you (or even peer at you through a window) (creepy huh?) I am in love with you and I hate this distance. I hate that we had the 100 email marathon (well I loved it actually) but I hate that its gone to one or maybe two if we're lucky. I'm just very disgruntled and I do not know how to get gruntled again.

On Mon, Nov 1, 2010 at 8:00 PM, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:
Actually, Clark doesn't know what you know in terms of the actual intent of what I'm doing; you're going to be doing other, more high-level conceptual stuff in terms of pursuing the occult main goal while cloaked in a series of noble yet red herring goals.

On Mon, Nov 1, 2010 at 3:55 PM, Emma Allan <emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:
It got your attention which was the mission. So you basically think and we do all the slave labour. I thought I was going to be your special helper, too. Now I realise I'm just a female Clark.

On Mon, Nov 1, 2010 at 7:49 PM, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:
Ha, that was a pretty misleading headline.

As you'll find, I'm extraordinarily disorganized and hard to corral into focused action; Clark has tried his best to keep me on task and at any rate I've been much better about that since getting on suboxone, but for the most part the best thing for the organization is to use me to generate concepts and then organize everyone into a sort of machine that executes those concepts. In this instance, I've been meaning to compile all sorts of stuff (I've written hundreds of articles that may be found online, many of which I've forgotten about) but will never do so as I have all sorts of material flowing around in my head and I jump from one thing to another (part of this is legitimate as I keep getting new sorts of things to do, like campaigns and film treatments). So, in general, yes, these things won't get done unless some qualified associate of mine does them. So go ahead and do whatever he suggests, and then later we can go over this stuff and figure out which should go on the website, which can serve as raw material for something else, etc. For instance, one important thing well need for the site is a series of short essays on various elements of our philosophy and intent and procedures, or at least the ones that aren't secret.

The last of my dwarves just died so now I guess I'll finally sort through my e-mail and to-do list and find out what's been going on with the software and respond to e-mails from a week ago.

On Mon, Nov 1, 2010 at 3:37 PM, Emma Allan <emilieduchatelet8@gmail.com> wrote:

Clarky Warky has been sending me stuff about getting you to do stuff - and this is what he wrote:

*I would say collect everything that's findable, and decide what will be interesting to include thereafter.

Actually, if there is enough interesting material, Barrett could bundle it up with a long autobiographical essay and, for some of the pieces which drew written reactions from other writers, include the reactive writings (or Barrett's summary of them if the writers won't release them), and make a book out of it all. (For instance, in the True/Slant archives there should be an exchange of posts with Mark Adomanis which is combative, and some back-and-forth with a conservative writer who invokes the likeness of Johnny Rotten.)

But for now, I just see this as stuff to put on the website, which is, as it stands, srsly lame-ass.*

I've been google searching your articles and already have quite a few. Do you want me to just continue or do you want to do it?

--
Regards,

Barrett Brown
512-560-2302

--
Regards,

Barrett Brown
512-560-2302

--
Regards,

Barrett Brown
512-560-2302

--
Regards,

Barrett Brown
512-560-2302

--
Regards,

Barrett Brown
512-560-2302

--
Regards,

Barrett Brown
512-560-2302