Let me know if this works.
Close Encounters of the Fucked-Up Sort
A metallic-looking chamber with a table at center and odd designs on the walls, with a single door off to the side. Two grey aliens of the sort that grace the cover of books like Communion are standing over the table, upon which lays a human male.
(man wakes up on table)
Man: What... where am I?
(camera pulls back, reveals two aliens standing nearby)
Man: Oh my god.
Alien: Why do you make war in the way that you do?
Man: I...
Alien: Why do men kill other men?
Man: Were... we are a young race. We make mistakes. We are imperfect.
Alien: This is true. But we do not demand perfection. We are here to teach you.
Alien: We have wisdom to share.
Man: Yes! Please, give us your wisdom!
Alien: You must teach this wisdom to others.
Man: I will!
Alien: First, you must instruct them that it is wrong to kill other men.
Man: Of course!
Alien: Males of your species are capable of great physical labor relative to your women and children. They must be captured and enslaved, then put to work building infrastructure and later eliminated altogether once they have become physically decrepit.
Man: What?
Alien: It is the women and children who must be disposed of immediately. They are good for nothing but carrying on the genes of your enemies. They constitute a danger to your progeny.
Man: Thats - thats monstrous!
Alien: Be assured that we understand your viewpoint. You believe their women should be impregnated in order to carry on the genes of your ethnic group, to produce a hybrid race which in turn could be restricted to a lower caste.
Alien: The problem is that their loyalties will be uncertain. They could rebel, and quelling these insurrections will be a drain on your resources.
Man: No, I mean... I just assumed that you would be opposed to war, and that, you know, youd be telling us that nations are, like, a primitive concept...
Alien: Certainly not!
Man: You... do you still have nations?
Alien: [flailing arms] WE HAVE MILLIONS OF THEM AND THEY ARE ALL AT WAR!
Alien: [flailing arms] WITH EACH OTHER!
Alien: WAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!
Alien: WAR BETWEEN NATIONS!
Alien: LET US SING THE ANTHEM OF OUR PARTICULAR NATION!
Both Aliens, (singing along with bizarre and haunting alien background music):
WE TOOK THE MAYANS TO THE MOON
WE HAVE ARMED THEM.
THEY WILL RETURN SOON TO RULE THE EARTH IN OUR STEAD
THEY WILL USE TECHNOLOGY TO DO THIS.
LA-DI-DA
LAD-DI-DA-DI-DA
FINALLY
THERE ARE ENOUGH HUMANS
TO CONSTRUCT AND MAINTAIN A THELAMIC ALUMINATRIX
FOR USE IN OUR FURTHER MILITARY CONQUESTS
Alien: Did you know that the Mayans invented the zero?
Alien: That's where we got it from.
Alien: We had to do all of this, going through space and whatnot, without a zero.
Alien: Our ship is made of wood, you'll notice. (Knocks on hull)
[Alien with blonde female wig comes out of door]
Alien Woman: I request more food.
Alien: You will only receive food after sex and later I will beat you.
[Alien Woman bows, goes back through door]
Alien: That woman is our president.
Alien: We forced her to be our president.
Alien: Then we made her queen because monarchy is the only godly form of government.
Alien: Hopefully she will bear a suitable male child.
Alien: So that we may eat it.
Man: Can you just take me home?
Alien: Why, do you miss your gay boyfriend or something?
[Both aliens laugh]
(Another alien leans head out of door)
Another Alien: Faggot!
(Alien leans head back in door)
Man: Look, you guys are making me kind of uncomfortable.
Alien: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Alien: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Alien: Wasn't it funny how we're aliens but we're saying stuff that you wouldn't expect an alien to say?
Man: I guess.
Alien: We were just fucking with you. Seriously, though, BLEEP BLORP UNITY BLEEP BLEEP TESLA COILS BLORP BLOP BLEEP.
Man: So, that was all an act, all that stuff you were saying?
Alien: Yeah, no shit, how would we build a spaceship out of wood?
Alien: Do you even know how space works?
(Other alien leans head out of door)
Other alien: Faggot!
Alien: Were not doing it anymore, Ted.
Other Alien: Okay. BLEEP BLORP WORLD PEACE.
Alien: Here, take these plans for a fission reactor.
Alien: Try to get them to someone who knows how space works, dipshit.
Man: Can I go now?
Alien: Yeah, get the fuck out.
Alien: Lol.
Concepts for Possible Future Episodes
1. Aliens re-abduct guy and note that there was a bunch of stuff they'd meant to tell him that he must in turn relate to humanity at large. Man is dubious because the plans they'd given him for an alleged "fission reactor" turned out, upon his submission to NASA, to actually detail the design of the Sega Dreamcast. Aliens convince him it was a mistake and proceed to tell him a series of obvious or incorrect facts, such as that tomatoes are actually a fruit (true) and that Eskimos have dozens of words for snow (false). Man eventually escapes.
2. Aliens once again abduct the fellow and claim to now be heavily involved in the Tea Party movement. After a few shots of Jager, aliens let loose with various borderline racist comments about Obama and his allegedly Islamo-Kenyan origins.
3. Aliens abduct fellow once again, this time revealing that they have given up the Tea Party movement after a spiritual revelation by which they realized that they are one of the 12 tribes of Israel, along with such other groups as the Jamaicans and Dominicans, and have thus became active in the Black Hebrew Israelite movement. Having assembled a retinue of shoddy cardboard signs depicting the Beast of Revelations as various European ethnic groups, the aliens denounce our crackerjack protagonst, who escapes when a trashy white female passerby who is inexplicably walking through the spaceship stops to argue with them.
4. Again abducted, our hero is apologized to for having been subjected to all previous encounters. The aliens reveal to him their plan for world unity, which gradually starts to sound like a multi-level marketing scheme.
5. Man is abducted again by aliens, who have been reading conspiracy literature and are now convinced that they built the pyramids are involving in an ongoing plot to do something or other involving the top levels of the world's governments. Short on specifics, they use the man as a sounding board for various proposals.