(camera pulls back, reveals two aliens standing nearby)
Man: Oh my god.
Alien: Why do you make war in the way that you do?
Man: I...
Alien: Why do men kill other men?
Man: Were... we are a young race. We make mistakes. We are imperfect.
Alien: This is true. But we do not demand perfection. We are here to teach you.
Alien: We have wisdom to share.
Man: Yes! Please, give us your wisdom!
Alien: You must teach this wisdom to others.
Man: I will!
Alien: First, you must instruct them that it is wrong to kill other men.
Man: Of course!
Alien: Males of your species are capable of great physical labor relative to your women and children. They must be captured and enslaved, then put to work building infrastructure and later eliminated altogether once they have become physically decrepit.
Man: What?
Alien: It is the women and children who must be disposed of immediately. They are good for nothing but carrying on the genes of your enemies. They constitute a danger to your progeny.
Man: Thats - thats monstrous!
Alien: Be assured that we understand your viewpoint. You believe their women should be impregnated in order to carry on the genes of your ethnic group, to produce a hybrid race which in turn could be restricted to a lower caste.
Alien: The problem is that their loyalties will be uncertain. They could rebel, and quelling these insurrections will be a drain on your resources.
Man: No, I mean... I just assumed that you would be opposed to war, and that, you know, youd be telling us that nations are, like, a primitive concept...
Alien: Certainly not!
Man: You... do you still have nations?
Alien: [flailing arms] WE HAVE MILLIONS OF THEM AND THEY ARE ALL AT WAR!
Alien: [flailing arms] WITH EACH OTHER!
Alien: WAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!
Alien: WAR BETWEEN NATIONS!
Alien: LET US SING THE ANTHEM OF OUR PARTICULAR NATION!
Both Aliens, (singing along with bizarre and haunting alien background music):
WE TOOK THE MAYANS TO THE MOON WE HAVE ARMED THEM. THEY WILL RETURN SOON TO RULE THE EARTH IN OUR STEAD THEY WILL USE TECHNOLOGY TO DO THIS. LA-DI-DA LAD-DI-DA-DI-DA FINALLY THERE ARE ENOUGH HUMANS TO CONSTRUCT AND MAINTAIN A THELAMIC ALUMINATRIX FOR USE IN OUR FURTHER MILITARY CONQUESTS
Alien: Did you know that the Mayans invented the zero?
Alien: That's where we got it from.
Alien: We had to do all of this, going through space and whatnot, without a zero.
Alien: Our ship is made of wood, you'll notice. (Knocks on hull)
[Alien with blonde female wig comes out of door]
Alien Woman: I request more food.
Alien: You will only receive food after sex and later I will beat you.
[Alien Woman bows, goes back through door]
Alien: That woman is our president.
Alien: We forced her to be our president.
Alien: Then we made her queen because monarchy is the only godly form of government.
Alien: Hopefully she will bear a suitable male child.
Alien: So that we may eat it.
Man: Can you just take me home?
Alien: Why, do you miss your gay boyfriend or something?
[Both aliens laugh]
(Another alien leans head out of door)
Another Alien: Faggot!
(Alien leans head back in door)
Man: Look, you guys are making me kind of uncomfortable.
Alien: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Alien: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Alien: Wasn't it funny how we're aliens but we're saying stuff that you wouldn't expect an alien to say?
Man: I guess.
Alien: We were just fucking with you. Seriously, though, BLEEP BLORP UNITY BLEEP BLEEP TESLA COILS BLORP BLOP BLEEP.
Man: So, that was all an act, all that stuff you were saying?
Alien: Yeah, no shit, how would we build a spaceship out of wood?
Alien: Do you even know how space works?
(Other alien leans head out of door)
Other alien: Faggot!
Alien: Were not doing it anymore, Ted.
Other Alien: Okay. BLEEP BLORP WORLD PEACE.
Alien: Here, take these plans for a fission reactor.
Alien: Try to get them to someone who knows how space works, dipshit.
Man: Can I go now?
Alien: Yeah, get the fuck out.
Alien: Lol.
(man wakes up on table)
Man: What... where am I?
(camera pulls back, reveals two aliens standing nearby)
Man: Oh my god.
Alien: Why do you make war in the way you do?
Man: I...
Alien: Why do men kill other men?
Man: Were... we are a young race. We make mistakes. We are imperfect.
Alien: This is true. But we do not demand perfection. We are here to teach you.
Alien: We have wisdom to share.
Man: Yes! Please, give us your wisdom!
Alien: You must teach this wisdom to others.
Man: I will!
Alien: First, you must instruct them that it is wrong to kill other men.
Man: Of course!
Alien: Males of your species are capable of great physical labor relative to your women and children. They must be captured and enslaved, then put to work building infrastructure and later eliminated altogether once they have become physically decrepit.
Man: What?
Alien: It is the women and children who must be disposed of. They are good for nothing but carrying on the genes of your enemies.
Man: Thats - thats monstrous!
Alien: Be assured that we understand your viewpoint. You believe their women should be impregnated in order to carry on the genes of your ethnic group, to produce a hybrid race which in turn could be restricted to a lower caste, and perhaps put to work in indentured servitude.
Alien: The problem is that their loyalties will be uncertain. They could easily rebel, and quelling these insurrections will require further military campaigns that would be of better use against yet another nation.
Man: No, I mean... I thought you would be opposed to war to begin with! And that, you know, youd be telling us that nations are, like, a primitive concept...
Alien: Certainly not!
Man: You... do you still have nations?
Alien: WE HAVE MILLIONS OF THEM AND THEY ARE ALL AT WAR!
Alien: WITH EACH OTHER!
Alien: LET US SING THE ANTHEM OF OUR PARTICULAR NATIONAL ENTITY
NO YOU SHOULD HAVE KILLED THEM ALL
ALIENS SUPPORT THE SERBS
NO. THEIR BLOOD STAINED THE SOIL
ONLY BLOOD WILL CLEANSE THE STAIN OF INSULT TO ONE'S COUNTRY.
I... you still have countries on your planet?
WE HAVE MILLIONS OF THEM AND THEY ARE ALL AT WAR!
WITH EACH OTHER!
Yes, I-
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
LET US SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM OF OUR PARTICULAR NATIONAL ENTITY!
WE TOOK ALL THE MAYANS TO THE MOON WE HAVE ARMED THEM. THEY WILL RETURN SOON TO ESTABLISH THE NUUMVIRATE OVER THE WHOLE OF THE EARTH. THEY WILL USE TECHNOLOGY TO DO THIS. LA-DI-DA LAD-DI-DA-DI-DA FINALLY THERE ARE ENOUGH HUMANS TO CONSTRUCT AND MAINTAIN A THELAMIC ALUMINATRIX FOR USE IN OUR FURTHER MILITARY CONQUESTS
DID YOU KNOW THAT THE MAYANS INVENTED THE ZERO?
THAT'S WHO WE GOT IT FROM.
WE HAD TO DO ALL OF THIS, GOING THROUGH SPACE AND WHATNOT, WITHOUT A ZERO.
OUR SHIP IS ACTUALLY MADE OF WOOD, YOU'LL NOTICE. (KNOCKS ON HULL)
ALIEN WOMAN COMES OUT OF DOOR ("I REQUEST MORE FOOD")
YOU WILL ONLY RECEIVE FOOD AFTER SEX AND LATER I WILL BEAT YOU.
ALIEN WOMAN BOWS.
THAT WOMAN IS OUR PRESIDENT.
WE FORCED HER TO BE OUR PRESIDENT.
THEN WE MADE HER QUEEN BECAUSE MONARCHY IS THE ONLY GODLY FORM OF GOVERNMENT.
HOPEFULLY SHE WILL BEAR A SUITABLE MALE CHILD.
SO THAT WE MAY EAT IT.
Please just take me home.
WASN'T IT FUNNY HOW WE WERE ALIENS BUT WE WERE SAYING THINGS ONE WOULDN'T EXPECT TO HEAR FROM AN ALIEN?
I guess.
WE DON'T ACTUALLY TALK LIKE THAT, WE WERE JUST KIDDING WE TALK LIKE REAL ALIENS USUALLY. BLEEP BLORP UNITY OF ALL LIVING THINGS BLEEP BLEEP PEACE BLORP TESLA COILS BLAP BEEP BLEEP.
Alien: "Why?"
Human: I... I'll tell them to stop.
Serbian nationalism
YOU MUST GO BACK INTO THE KITCHEN BECAUSE YOU ARE A FEMALE
I FORGOT WE ALL LOOK ALIKE
(Human pulls out something)
HE'S A WITCH BURN HIM
LOOK I DREW A PICTURE OF MOHAMMED HAVING SEX WITH A PIG!
HA HA THAT IS VERY CUTTING EDGE!
DEATH PANELS!
HOW COME IT'S OKAY FOR BLACKS TO HAVE A "BLACK ENTERTAINMENT NETWORK?" HOW COME THERE'S NO "WHITE ENTERTAINMENT NETWORK"? OH, YEAH, EVERYONE WOULD BE, "THAT'S RACIST!"
WE'RE WHITE, BY THE WAY.
WHY WON'T OBAMA PRODUCE HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE?
I CALL HIM "KENYAN-IN-CHIEF"
LIKE "COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF"
Human: Look, I really feel uncomfortable... can you take me back?