Chat with Catalina Saldaña

10:58 PM Catalina: hey there

10:59 PM Catalina: you look so beautfuil in that video'

i want to buy you flowers and get promotion at banking job so you wont cheat on me with mark

11:00 PM me: well, my mom has breast cancer

but that's not really an issue for some reason

Catalina: its official

11:01 PM Catalina: so the dallas thing will not happen until december

11:02 PM pretty please!!!!!!!!

me: I might have to come up anyway

Catalina: you can stay with me

me: I was planning on it

might have to shoot down to D.C. briefly

Catalina: may i come to dc with you?

Catalina: oh carl watched your videos by the way

me: going to meet with Andrew Sullivan down there

me: in which case we might go to Provincetown with him

Catalina: i dont know where that it but im down

me: resort, full of homos and wasps

Catalina: awesome!!!!

me: you'll feel right at home

11:04 PM Catalina: you and andrew will fir right in

me: I'll have to sign a waiver since you're Mexican

just don't join any gangs or anything

Catalina: ill try but its hard

11:05 PM i am genetically predisposed to join gangs

me: I am too, actually

like in Gangs of New York

we now have a former CIA special operations fellow in Project PM

Catalina: lets talk about your enlighten the vote on fox and friends video

me: check out this fucking guy

11:06 PM http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barry_Eisler

Catalina: carl kep getting annoyed that that guy kept interrupting you and you were polite and let him

but you werent being polite

me: he thinks my book's the greatest thing ever and is promoting it

Catalina: you were being a smug asshole

Catalina: peopplewho dont know you dont get that though

me: well, I wasn't going to get in a fucking crosstalk yelling match with a fucking dipshit preacher

I'll fucking die first

11:07 PM let the enemy do the fucking work

Catalina: that guy sure likes rain

11:08 PM me: you looked pretty cute in your black eye picture for a girl with a black eye

yeah, I hate when people do that

they always name their assassins something like that

my assasins name is Lilly Love

11:09 PM Nun Lilly LOve

Catalina: or Sister Lilly Love

me: Mine is Bob Assassin

Catalina: not Bob Loblaw?

11:10 PM me: that's the agent he worked with during the Cold War who later went rogue

Catalina: you were supposed to send me that picture i sent you bu the way

11:11 PM me: I'm not sure how

Catalina: HIs name should be Agent Rgue

me: wait, send it to your phone

11:12 PM Catalina: My name is Uffie

me: look what fucking James Bond here sent me today

Barrett, if you don't mind my saying, and I promise not to go on and on about it, but... the book is brilliant. Really. Read the prologue and Friedman and Bennett chapters last night and so far it's just superb -- horrifying, hilarious, fucking devastating. The notion of equating pundits with failed-but-still-flourishing futurists is smart and I can't think of a better way to help people see the nature of the problem. The first paragraph is a lapel-grabber. Your arguments and evidence are unanswerable, and there were so many lines that had me laughing out loud... Bennett, a spirit creature from Neptune composed of pure energy. Some actual sentences Friedman has written (which reminded me of on SNL skit where Tiny Fey did Sarah Palin, but without manufactured dialogue -- she repeated Palin's actual, fantastically garbled words, and the joke was that no comedy could possibly top the real thing).

Catalina: and Ive got some thing MCCs can kiss

me: it's a nice butt cheek and it goes like this

you fucked with the wrong bitch

11:13 PM Catalina: its a lapel grabber!!!!!!!!!!!!

11:14 PM me: damn right

Catalina: may a grab your lapel?

me: if I get popular, I know that ain't fair

11:15 PM also what's a lapel?

Catalina: may I grab your monocle and shatter it on the wall

Catalina: its a monocle shatterer!!!!!!!!

me: if that's what the kids are doing these days

it's a phonograph basher

Catalina: a lapel is where you put your carnation on your vest my dear

11:16 PM I've been eating mine

Catalina: what??!!! i am shocked

and what do you do with your cuff links?

me: actually I rub girls with roses while we make love

cuff people with them

LOOK AT THIS ROSE SMELL IT SO SENSUAL LOVE

Catalina: i dont think thats possible

11:17 PM Catalina: roses are sensual

i love it when a guy rubs roses all over me

Catalina: and the thorns get caught in my skin

and theres bloody blood everywhere!!!

Catalina: and a high risk for contamination

11:18 PM blood borne pathogens!!!!!!

me: I wish a young vampire boy would come and sweep me off my deet

Catalina: your deet?

Catalina: im supposed to go out with a tennis player i met on the beach the other day

11:19 PM me: lol gay

except for the tennis part

I'll have Eisler assassinate him

11:20 PM Catalina: please do

he sounds like an idiot

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vince_Spadea

11:21 PM me: not a very flattering picture

but i am starting to dat again

well hes not really real or normal but you know what i mean

Catalina: im just biding my time till you ask for my hand in holy matrimony

me: I'm pretty sure I've already offered

Catalina: well it wasnt memorable!!!!!!!

11:23 PM i need fireworks in times square

and balloons and banners

me: I guess I just tried to trick you into coming to Mexico

Catalina: and a parade

but you signed that stupid lease

Catalina: were were supposed to then you got some ho preggers

me: I've never stuck with a lease my entire life

11:24 PM man, that ho be trippin'

me: I referred her to my lawyer

and then sent these crazy e-mails

me: who's getting close to taking civil action

she made up a name and e-mail account

11:25 PM sent an e-mail to Jeremy Sapienza, editor of BushwickBK where I used to write a column

saying I was a junkie

which hasn't been true for weeks and weeks

Sapienza happens to be a Project PM membeer

so he forwarded the e-mail to me, of course

between that and the dozen other bizarre messages she's sent

11:26 PM I could take her down pretty solid in a civil action

but I'd prefer to avoid that

but Mirna's pretty fucking pissed

Catalina: girls are crazy

11:27 PM me: they're usually not this crazy

Catalina: but at the same time i wish i had balls like that

me: I'll forward you the e-mails, they're fucking nuts

she doesn't have balls, she's just nuts

she's fucking with a lawyer

and she knows perfectly well that I have a fucking cyber army and three other lawyers and whatnot

11:28 PM and she's opening herself up to civil action and doesn't seem to realize that

plus she accused Mirna of sleeping with me and being a heroin addict

noted that both were "women of color"

and that I am a white devil

11:29 PM Catalina: why is she going so crazy?

me: and that my lawyer should thus turn against me and not inform me of the first e-mail she sent my lawyer

forgetting that my lawyer is an Arab

and she is half-Jewish

not only an Arab, but Lebanese

11:30 PM not a lot of solidarity there

11:31 PM me: anyway, I don't know what's going on with her

I think she intended a pregnancy

and then it didn't work

11:32 PM she claims to have taken the morning after pill two weeks after I left NYC

now, I'm no gynecologist

but Mirna informs me that such a thing makes no sense

11:35 PM Catalina: makes no sense

not 2weeks after pill

11:36 PM oh, but in one of her e-mails

actually, I won't ruin them for you, one sec

11:46 PM Catalina: i was under the impression the sex was unintentional

just sort of fell in there

11:48 PM I am a serious gamer about to go pro Barrett couldn't even understand how to use the controller on the xbox and the person I was gaming with left the game when he got on.

Catalina: what does "ged him" mean?

11:51 PM Catalina: eeeewwwww

a lady never sweats!!

she must be punished

11:52 PM buenos noches lol