humor piece

A To-Do List for the Information Age

by Barrett Brown

1. Prove the existence of esoterica-driven secret societies by successfully creating an esoterica-driven secret society.

a. Design mysterious, magic-infused symbol by combining two such existing symbols
b. Ensure that such symbols are not copyrighted to avoid surreal lawsuit
c. Ignore segment (b) in order to increase odds of being involved in surreal lawsuit
d. After secret society is in place, submit findings to peer-reviewed journal
e. If no peer-reviewed journal will publish the paper in question, submit to reddit
f. I AM WITHOUT PEERS

2. Attempt to determine if Jack Parsons, Aleister Crowley, and other such nuts were nuts or what.

a. As an initial experiment, try using magic to evoke a demon.
b. If (a) fails, try using magick to evoke a daemon.
c. If (b) fails, trie yuzing majik tue evoc a deeman.
d. Actually, this would freak me the fuck out if it worked.
e. Scrap this whole thing.
f. Fix delete keye.

3. Be offered crown three times.

a. Convince co-conspirator to offer the crown in question.
b. Decline twice, accept on third occasion.
c. This only works in public.
d. This only works in a republic.
e. Dont get assassinated by former friends.

4. Always be half-kidding about everything.

a. Related: wink every time you say something (this worked for FDR).
b. Pack Supreme Court.
c. If (b) is unsuccessful, explain that you were half-kidding.
d. Go on YouTube and find that scene from Pearl Harbor in which FDR gets out of his wheelchair in order to show his cabinet members that anything is possible.
e. Goddamn thats fucking stupid.
f. Goddamn. Fuck.

5. Respond to all flirtatious queries from attractive females with phrase, Is that a threat?!

a. For some reason I think this is a hilarious thing to do.
b. What makes it funny is that an attractive female who is making herself sexually available to you do not constitute any sort of threat at all, and in fact constitutes the exact opposite of a threat in the sense whereby an organisms goal is to replicate some large percentage of his own genes.
c. Escape from the tyranny of gene-driven behavior. Perhaps DNA could be replaced by something else? How much would this cost? I only have $30 and its got to last me until next week.
d. If this seems like a bad idea it is only because your genes do not will it. See how this tyranny permeates even ones own perceived desires?
e. Try to make others understand this.
f. If necessary, get up out of wheelchair in order to show that anything is possible.
g. Defeat unholy Japs in unprecedented land, air, and sea battles fought across Pacific.
h. Better yet, try to lure Japs into fighting in some other body of water with which they are unfamiliar.
i. Like, the terrain would be different, I guess. Different sorts of waves.
j. Read up a little on naval combat and how that works exactly.

6. Live every day to the fullest!

a. Declare war on own government.
b. Instigate the Singularity by developing advanced AI schematic dreamed up under influence of DMT and LSD.
c. Now time does not exist as such. This does away with the necessity of living every day to the fullest.
d. Youre welcome. Or, rather, we are one in the same, you and I.
e. Contemplate metaverse. In doing so, become metaverse.
f. Discover existence of teleological attractor. Be embarrassed about this because it flies in the face of the scientific materialism to which you ascribed before transitioning to collective entity existing in hyperspace along with rest of humanity.
g. Punch teleological attractor right in its fucking face.
h. But it was all a dream!
i. Re-declare war on own government, but for real this time. The 21st century presents an array of unprecedented factors that our antiquated nation-states would be hard-pressed to address. Some sort of distributed, technocratic entity operating under an advanced collaborative network designed for the purpose ought to do the trick.
j. Form esoterica-driven secret society for purpose of giving rise to such an entity.
k. Hide actual cyber-conspiracy in plain view as humor piece.
l. See item 4.

--
Regards,

Barrett Brown
Brooklyn, NY
512-560-2302