| Subject: Chat with Catalina Saldaña |
| From: "Catalina Saldaña" <cat.salda@gmail.com> |
10:08 AM Catalina: i have a blackberry now!
getting mugged was great
me: sweet yo
lol
somebody got it for you?
Catalina: my supervisor felt so bad for me she gave me a blackberry
me: I'm playing with my cyber-army
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2010/3/26/851032/-Wikileaks-Releases-Statement-After-U.S.-Intel-Detains-Editor
Catalina: awesome
10:09 AM kill all
i love the "daily kos"
very clever
i cant find my running shoes anywhere
me: just recruited a systems security/risk assessment analyst with 15 years experience as a consultant for various governments and large corporate entities
10:10 AM Catalina: so i am going to say they were in my stolen bag and im sure somebody will get me new ones
you are krazy
kos everyday for you mr. saldaña
me: YOUR RUNNING SHOES WERE STOLEN OMG I WILL BUY YOU NEW ONES POOR THING
Catalina: you toook my last name when we got married
10:11 AM me: this is the beginning of her resume
Established proficient security strategist with 15+ years experience with in-house corporate and consulting audit methodologies, policy compliance. Experience in conducting global enterprise risk assessments, penetration testing, security application and architecture development.
Experienced in global enterprise security, and conducting end-to-end information security audits. Other duties included assessment of in-house interoperability, networking appliances (routers/firewalls/ACLs), databases, audit management application, operations best-standards , LANs, VLANs, WANs, web servers, code review, ERP audits, ISP and collocation facility assessment, and the assessment of wireless, and satellite operations.
Hold significant experience in security operations project development, including internal audit preparation, milestone management, and business-correlated metrics. Have directed and delivered successful standards-based audit compliance projects.
This person is now one of my operatives
Catalina: ooohhh
penetration testing??
sounds hot
me: yeah, I can handle that myself
10:12 AM but now I can get all fixed up with a TOR extension that will make me appear to be connecting to the internet from random points on the globe
Catalina: the rest of it sounds pretty boring to me
but im not sure what a lot of it means
10:13 AM thats cool
actually im not sure if i told you this before
but i hack into almost everyones email at work
i shouldnt be typing this
it would be pretty useful if it looked like i was doing it from a different location
10:14 AM me: it means I've got a high-dollar government consultant providing me with a number of very nuanced information warfare strategies and whatnot
well, we can fix you up with that now
Catalina: really?
that would be awesome
me: Stein can also do that but dealing with him is irritating
Catalina: its not that i hack into peoples email
its more like people use stupid passwords
me: if your bosses can read you chats you're fucked anyway
Catalina: so its not my fault
10:15 AM me: also I just recruited former Newsweek Baghdad correspondent Michael Hastings
Catalina: my boss has alzheimers and cant read anything unless its about a mile away from him
me: who's also going to blurb my book
YOUR BOSS IS A FAG
Catalina: probably
10:16 AM i am very good friends with the computer guy here so im prety safe i think
in fact i got him hired
i have a lot of dirt on him
and he has a lot of dirt on me too though :(
10:18 AM how was your white trash chat date last night?
10:20 AM me: good, we talked about my cyber army and meeting up on Sunday to go to the aquarium
Catalina: really?
thats not fair!!
i love aquariums
10:21 AM i even have a favorite toad
the surinam toad
me: she can get me into all of these things for free as she's a member of the whole cultural/museum shebang up here
Catalina: from brazil
me: that's pretty nuanced of you
Catalina: i love octopus and jellyfish!
me: I'm going to add her to my list of Project PM Concubines
10:22 AM jellyfish are assholes
Catalina: in fact my good friend Don Ly knows all about my obsession with sea creatures
the deep sea angler fish
10:23 AM and anytime he sees an article about a colossal squid with eyes the size of dinner plates he will immediately forward it to me
jellyfish are beautiful
me: beautiful things are often assholes
Catalina: you are jealous
me: so?
Catalina: true
me: I'm the jealous type
Catalina: so true
so am i
10:24 AM i am going to pout because youve never taken me to the aquarium
me: you've never taken me to the aquarium, either
Catalina: i asked you to museums and you always refused
you rejected me!!
how do you think that made me feel?
10:25 AM ill tell you how:
me: I think I was addicted to heroin at the time and did not like leaving my base of operations
Catalina: inferior
i thought it was because im mexican and youre a racist so we are star crossed lovers
me: I did watch lesbian porn with you last weekend
Catalina: i dont remember it
really
10:26 AM i only remember unico
me: you were on bennies and heroin and had been drinking and I was on the first two but had not been drinking
also, speed
unico was very impressive
Catalina: more than the lesbian porn?
10:27 AM me: yeah, I'd seen the lesbian porn before, you asked to watch porn and I showed you my favorite
Catalina: how are we not dead?
me: fate
Catalina: celebrities are pussies
me: I know
Catalina: overdosing all the time
10:28 AM we arent very big either, so it shouldnt take much
10:29 AM is Mirna back?
10:30 AM me: from Austin?
yeah, she got back Sunday night
but she's always gone
10:31 AM Catalina: shes not a very good caretaker then
i am currently upset with larry
10:32 AM me: why;s that?
Catalina: he said something about me being a victim of domestic violence and needing help, he sounded condescending and doesnt know what the hell hes talking about
10:33 AM and he should not be talking on this issue
though he never hit me when we were together there are other pretty terrible things he did
me: I see
Catalina: and i dont like being called a victim
10:34 AM me: you should date pathetic white hipster artist nerds who will bore you with their niceness
Catalina: i beat him as hard as i could too
im a lesbian now
after im done being celibate
10:35 AM if i ever return to the world os sex it will be with women
thats probably why i wanted to watch the lesbian porn
so if you know any cute girls you can set me up with ill be available in maybe 6 months
me: Mirna made out with a stripper last night and did her coke
10:36 AM maybe Shanna will be interested
she's dated girls
Catalina: shanna who?
me: my part-black girlfriend A
Catalina: not the one from texas Karen hated
me: no lol
Catalina: oh ok
that sounds good
10:37 AM me: or we could set you up with an OKCupid profile and you can seize all the women you want
Catalina: no
i dnt want to do that
maybe in 6 months
me: you want the excitement of chance
Catalina: okcupid scares me
people have expectations
expectations scare me
10:39 AM spontaneity is more my style
me: I know
mine too
but
it's also my style to have lots of girls to touch
10:40 AM Catalina: well thats where we differ
i can barely stand to be touched unless im high or drunk or something
me: and to maximize the time/utility ratio
I know
10:41 AM Catalina: whatever works for you
send me a text
so i have your number in my new blackberry
me: word