| Subject: Chat with samantha.sterling@gmail.com |
| From: "samantha.sterling@gmail.com" <samantha.sterling@gmail.com> |
8:15 PM me: yo yo
hope dinner went off without a hitch
8:16 PM samantha.sterling: the dinner part was fine. in the midst of cooking, i was opening up my mail and found an outrageous bill from my insurance company which led to an angry phone call
8:17 PM me: I see
I usually just ignore those
which is why I'm getting an average of 10 calls a day from my credit card company
samantha.sterling: that's not good. the bill is clearly a mistake. i always pay on time and in full
8:18 PM me: the firm to which I owe 2000 for that semester of college I attended for about 3 hours gave up after I explained to them that I just don't feel like paying
samantha.sterling: really? i find that a bit hard to believe. they just gave up?
me: after nine years
8:19 PM samantha.sterling: i doubt the credit card companies will do the same
is there a particular reason you don't feel like paying them? other than not having the money?
me: sorry, one sec, phone from editor
8:36 PM me: okay, sorry
samantha.sterling: no worries
8:38 PM up to anything fun this weekend?
me: okay, now I'm really back
fun, eh?
I'm not really a fun guy
8:39 PM samantha.sterling: never fun at all? ever?
i don't believe that for a second!
me: I'm lying
I'm the most fun person ever
8:40 PM samantha.sterling: so what is the most fun person ever doing this weekend?
me: I don't really have schedules
I'm too fun for that
perhaps you'd like to meet up?
samantha.sterling: perhaps i would
me: perhaps!
samantha.sterling: well since you don't make plans and all....
8:41 PM me: well, I don't usually
I'm busy Saturday night
but that's it
8:42 PM now, perhaps we could go over your schedule and make a sort of venn diagram indicating when our available time might coincide
from which we could proceed to make a date
samantha.sterling: we could do that
or
we could just agree on sunday
me: sounds good
that is the sabbath
8:43 PM the new sabbath
samantha.sterling: hahaha
me: neo-sabbath
they changed it over from Saturday
samantha.sterling: i like to call it jesus day
me: but a certain socio-ethnic-religious group didn't get the 411 on that
the fools
8:44 PM samantha.sterling: their loss
me: well
maybe not
gives them an edge
samantha.sterling: i don't think so
me: they own the streets on Sunday
or they would, if Christians observed their own sabbath
which they don't
in conclusion, what would you like to do?
samantha.sterling: hmmm
8:45 PM an excellent question
would you be willing to come into the city?
me: perhaps
samantha.sterling: we could go to church
me: what lies there?
oh, I've got youth group during most church services
8:46 PM samantha.sterling: damn
me: we watch videos
and "hang"
samantha.sterling: nice!!!!
me: some friend of mine was trying to date this Christian chick back in 9th grade
and he made me go to this youth group with them
they actually watched Veggie Tales
which you may not be familiar with
8:47 PM but which is targeted towards, like, children
samantha.sterling: i've heard of it....there was a reference to it on king of the hill
me: but which was very well-received by the high school students in attendance
later I ruined everything by drinking vodka out of a concealed bottle and getting into a debate with ten peoplke
8:48 PM samantha.sterling: well done
everyone needs a friend like you
me: yeah, I really made a difference
samantha.sterling: do you like animals?
me: I've got one sharing my easy chair right now
and another one hiding in my roommate's room because she's a neurotic cat
8:49 PM samantha.sterling: perhaps we shall go to the central park zoo. i am a member
me: a member, eh
samantha.sterling: indeed. and i can bring a guest for free
me: ah, good
8:50 PM was about to mention that I have $16 to last me until my dipshit publisher gives me my next check either tomorrow or Monday
so I will have to be a cheap date
at least until after Monday
at which point I will resume spending extravagantly
8:51 PM or perhap tomorrow, if all goes well
samantha.sterling: so maybe we should wait until next week to hang out.....
kidding
me: oh, you!
what sort of opiates did you use to do?
samantha.sterling: just black tar opium
me: very well
8:52 PM samantha.sterling: i hate needles
although i did love trainspotting, never got into heroin
me: trainspotting was surprisingly well-made for 199X
samantha.sterling: 1997 i believe
me: no, was earlier
8:53 PM samantha.sterling: yes it was excellent
was it?
me: I saw it in the theater in Century City when my dad was living in LA
I was like 15 at the most
samantha.sterling: 1996
me: ah
same difference
8:54 PM samantha.sterling: i also used pills. although i don't call that using, really
and you?
me: I used to have sort of a heroin problem but kicked it when I found myself responsible for things
8:55 PM I occasionally use still, but only infrequently, when I get a new gig or otherwise achieve something
samantha.sterling: do you shoot it?
me: that or snort, yes
samantha.sterling: how hardcore of you
me: in NYC they tend to sell the powdery variety so one can do either
8:56 PM yeah, I'm totally punk rock, yo
samantha.sterling: totally punk, yo? haha
me: I hate punk
EXCEPT FOR CYBERPUNK
samantha.sterling: YOU WEAR COWBOY BOOTS
8:57 PM me: anyway, I bought some the other day to celebrate my New York Observer gig, if you have any inclination I can save you a bit
cowboy boots can be cyberpunk
samantha.sterling: oh they are? i didn't get the memo
me: if you wear them while doing cyberpunky stuff
samantha.sterling: ah
8:58 PM nah, you don't need to save any for me, but thanks. if you find yourself with any pot, or coke, on the other hand....
me: I may find myself with pot, my roommate is a giant stoner
but she seems to be rather broke
even though she work like 60 hour weeks at a law firm
I warned her about that career path
8:59 PM samantha.sterling: how can she be broke?
too much drug usage?
me: she just went to south by southwest
nah
she just smokes weed, and usually smokes our friend's
this pushover fellow who's also a brilliant programmer and who's doing my Project PM network
9:00 PM samantha.sterling: sounds like a good person to know
me: these are all Texas people, incidentally
or, sort of
9:01 PM most of my friends moved up here in waves over the past three years
from Austin
samantha.sterling: that's nice
good to have friends around. a lot of the people i grew up with live in the city too. three of my best friends since age 4 live in the city
9:02 PM me: it is, it saved me the trouble of having to meet other guy friends in PussyHipsterDouchebagLand USA
that's also nice
samantha.sterling: that should be a theme park for adults
me: it already is, and I now live there
9:03 PM samantha.sterling: williamsburg
me: yep
was living in Bushwick and hanging out mostly with Puerto Rican thugs up until two months ago
I've gone respectable
samantha.sterling: why?
me: it was the best choice
moved in with this old friend of mine, Mirna
9:04 PM who correctly does not trust my judgment
and whom I allow to rule over me because she has more common sense than I do
samantha.sterling: i assume that you have not had sex with her?
9:05 PM me: we had a brief and disastrous romance like six years ago while she was dating some other guy
samantha.sterling: haha
me: but we're celibate lovers now
9:06 PM I've known her since I was like 16 and lived with her on a couple occasions as I used to travel a lot and it was easier that way, also had warrants in Texas so preferred to be off the grid
samantha.sterling: hilarious
9:07 PM me: I live sort of a double life as a degenerate and a respectable political commentator
samantha.sterling: apparently
me: which will make it easier for my enemies to take me down someday
9:08 PM EXCEPT THEY CAN'T BECAUSE I'M ALSO A POLITICAL HUMORIST AND AM THUS ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING
Hunter S. Thompson, P.J. O'Rourke, et al
samantha.sterling: ANYTHING LEGAL, THAT IS
hst was just beyond lucky
me: nope, both are admitted former drug dealers
O'Rourke now works at Heritage Foundation
he has established precedent, you see
9:09 PM and I used to write for National Lampoon
which he helped to found
samantha.sterling: i've read all his stuff, i know all about his drug habit
me: ergo
samantha.sterling: and he himself has aid
said
me: go on
samantha.sterling: that was incredibly lucky that he was not ever convicted of serious felonies
me: he was indeed
he pulled a lot of shit
9:10 PM samantha.sterling: he is my hero
me: mine too
I pretty much memorized all of his stuff when I was a kid
samantha.sterling: buy the ticket, take the ride
me: wait, talking about O'Rourke now or HST?
samantha.sterling: hst
9:11 PM me: Oh, I meant O'Rourke
only read a few of HST's books
and a bunch of articles
I had to make fun of O'Rourke in my upcoming book because he's a dipshit now
also in Huffington Post
was slightly painful
9:12 PM but he used to be brilliant and is now a fascist shill
and not funny
samantha.sterling: that's a damn shame
me: yeah, but on the other hand, opens the door for others
plus Franken is in the senate
and was getting less funny anyway
samantha.sterling: brb phone
9:17 PM ok back
9:18 PM me: I have two fights going on that I haven't had a chance to pursue because of the damned CIA
they are always ruining my shit
samantha.sterling: fucking cia
me: I know, right?
actually, I made $250 yesterday with that one post due to all the hits
I guess I'll write them a thank-you note
9:19 PM encrypted so they can't read it
samantha.sterling: hahahahah
me: that hacker friend of mine has a tattoo of an illegal encryption code
so his arm is technically contraband
he also works at Deutschbank helping to maintain their banking software
9:20 PM which is amusing
samantha.sterling: why wouldn't he?
me: and he's a communist
samantha.sterling: of course he's a communist
me: Deutschbank should really be more careful
9:21 PM he's going to hook me up with this setup whereby my IP address will appear to be coming from random points across the planet
samantha.sterling: that's a neat trick
me: which will be useful insomuch as that I'm pretty sloppy about my radical views and ambiguous anarchic information cartels
9:22 PM and talking about secret CIA flights over gchat
samantha.sterling: i doubt anyone is going to hunt you down
me: to probable NSA black ops operative who contact me via OKCupid
like you, "Samantha"
samantha.sterling: like me
yes
me: moar like "Natasha" amirite?
speaking of which
9:23 PM samantha.sterling: da
me: some pro-Putin douchebag
HA YOU SLIPPED
samantha.sterling: oh no
me: anyway, I don't know why True/Slant hired this guy
also my joke doesn't make any sense insomuch as that the NSA probably does not use Russian femme fatales like yourself
9:24 PM I kind of painted myself into a corner on that one
samantha.sterling: you have no idea what kind of operatives the NSA uses
me: anyway, this guy's a douchebag and he went for my throat the other day and imma gonna get him ah tell you what
true
but it would definitely make sense for them to use girls on online dating sites
samantha.sterling: that's what i would do
me: get the target to brag about all his secret intel
9:25 PM and then invite them to the zoo to go see the lions
who themselves are NSA operatives
9:26 PM samantha.sterling: we could also go to the aquarium
:)
me: for serious?
samantha.sterling: yeah. i'm a member off all that stuff
me: very well
how do you feel about history?
9:27 PM samantha.sterling: i like most of it
me: are you for it or against it?
more relevantly, how do you feel about The Met?
9:28 PM the one with all of the human history?
actually, what's the deal with the aquarium?
samantha.sterling: i like the met, but i prefer the museum of natural history
me: maybe you should choose since you know these things
samantha.sterling: the deal with the aquarium?
me: I'm not sure what I'm asking
samantha.sterling: me neither
me: it it nifty?
9:29 PM samantha.sterling: oh yes, very!
actually, i used to volunteer there
they have sea otters (which are my favorite animal), walruses, penguins, sharks (second favorite animal)
etc
me: one sec, brb
samantha.sterling: it's on coney island
k
9:37 PM me: okay, back
aquarium sounds good
9:40 PM anywho, I've got to write an article about how Putin is a fascist and this Russia "expert" who fucked with me the other day is a scrub-ass toy fascist
see you in CYBERSPACE
samantha.sterling: lots of fascists in your life
9:41 PM me: yeah, real and imagined
9:42 PM this one's real
samantha.sterling: the imagined ones are better
me: he actually acknowledges the little-known fact that Putin and the FSB were responsible for the Russian apartment bombings of 1999 and blamed them on Chechnyan terrorists
but he's still pro-Putin
samantha.sterling: my dad met putin
9:43 PM me: and he puts "protests" in scare quotes just like that when they're protests against Putin
really, under what circumstances?
samantha.sterling: they were staying at the same hotel, randomly
it was some 5 star place, i think maybe in paris, or vienna
i can't recall
9:44 PM me: did Putin blow him up and blame it on Chechnya?
that would be pretty sad if he did
I hope he didn't
samantha.sterling: of course he did. he's an asshole.
me: don't worry, I'll avenge your dad
samantha.sterling: nah, dad's fine
me: I'll avenge him anyway
9:45 PM I mean, it wouldn't be any trouble, really
samantha.sterling: true
9:46 PM me: okay, talking to clever pretty girl time is now over, I must not procrastinate further
samantha.sterling: right, ok
talk to you later
me: nighty nite, hopefully talk to you tomorrow
samantha.sterling: good luck with the article, not that you need it
sounds good