| Subject: Chat with Catalina Saldaña |
| From: "Catalina Saldaña" <cat.salda@gmail.com> |
7:28 PM Catalina: hey
me: howdy
Catalina: i go so fuckd up last night
me: feeling better?
Catalina: did i speak with you
?
no
me: not last night, no
what'd you do, drink?
Catalina: i ended up calling that woman
7:29 PM me: Other Catalina?
Catalina: i took ALL my benzos
me: that'll do it
Catalina: which i knew wasnt a bid deal because small dose
and I took all my ambian
and drank
me: wow
7:30 PM that's a lot of things
Catalina: yes i spoke to the other and yt im here
me: huh?
YT?
Catalina: this is what i tell you about karen
yet im still here and at work
about kare
me: oh, right
7:31 PM Catalina: i dont understand how she died
i took a bottle of benzos at least 10 ambien or so
vodka
after a weekend of skag
and im st work
its a curse
me: you should be more careful anyway
7:32 PM that's a lot of system depressants
Catalina: i should be less carefu;
duh barrett
duh
me: are you feeling better in general?
Catalina: im not feeling anything
which is great
im feeling slow is all
7:33 PM well i called the catalina
she was very nice
i was very nice as well
me: you remember the conversation?
Catalina: bcs thats how you deal with these things
yes
some
i wasnt so fucked up yet
7:34 PM i didnt want her to think i was a crazy
oh, and i got to tell my coworkers i was mugged!
they asked about the face
me: you should pass around a cap
7:35 PM Catalina: my vision isnt very good though
me: have them help you out due to your mugging
Catalina: ha
me: you mean your vision is worse than usual?
as in, still?
Catalina: anyway she said they were both going through marital problems and talked to each other
7:36 PM i told him i wants thinking of breaking up with him after i saw the email
of course i told her i didnt hold any bad feelings towards her how could she know blah blah blah
her
i told her
apparently my typing is not so good either
7:37 PM me: have you talked to him?
Catalina: yes but not about that
ill pretend i didnt remember
about calling her you mean?
i acted all wepy and sad
7:38 PM which i was
me: just in general
Catalina: and i said i felt i couldnt trust him and was going to break up with him
she advised against it
it was a good girl talk
i have talked to him
in general
yes
7:39 PM i was looking for that other wonas number now
the one in thailand
so i could tell her i was back here pregnant while he was making lovey eyes at her
7:40 PM im being evil and i like it
i am also blind
which i do not like so much
me: You need to concentrate more on the fundamentals here
Catalina: not talking to him?
yes that too
me: rather than particular other women
either way
Catalina: as a result of my mugging i get a few days off
7:41 PM me: whatever you decide to do regarding him
Catalina: so i am going to visit my friends in oakland
me: Oakland?
Catalina: yes barrett
oakland!
me: California?
I guess not
Catalina: did i stutter?
me: I don't know where things are
Catalina: yes california
7:42 PM apparently we left carl a 3 minute message
he listened to all of it
me: we?
you mean from over here?
Catalina: well i didnt hang up the phone
yes
me: I see
must have been interesting
7:43 PM Catalina: i am not concentrating on women
i want people to know who this asshole really is
7:44 PM me: what's more important is that you take care of yourself
Catalina: no it isnt
id be happier dead
im happier now than i was thursday
7:45 PM me: I'm probably not the best person to tell you that since I'm known for shooting you up with heroin
why are you happier now?
Catalina: i feel less
i care less
but i am blind
so thats not good
but ill trae my sight in
me: how long have you had the vision problem?
Catalina: nothing much to look at anyway
me: since Thursday?
Catalina: since your place
7:46 PM me: consistently since then?
Catalina: they have audiobooks now you know
yes
more or less
it might be the heroin
cause it does that
it might be all the pills
me: has it gotten better at all?
Catalina: or it might be the beating to the face
7:47 PM me: close your right eye
and see if it makes any difference
aside from the obvious
Catalina: i dont know
not really
me: will you do something for me?
Catalina: maybe i just need to change my contacts
7:48 PM easy solution
me: meet with Larry before you go to Oakland
just talk to him
Catalina: why?
why?
dnt get all fathertly on me
me: I don't usually get fatherly
Catalina: youre my fun friend
me: the fact that I'm doing so now should tell you something
Catalina: hold on
7:50 PM whatever
this is all hilarious
7:51 PM we take life to serious
me: I don't
Catalina: too
me: but I'm never unhappy
whereas you seem to be
Catalina: really
i am LWAYS unhappy
me: not anymore, no
7:52 PM Catalina: have i shown you pictures of me as a kid
I was always unhappy
what changed
7:53 PM me: you seem to be significantly more upset than you have been at any point during the time I've known you
but I've only seen you under particular circumstanes
Catalina: i was probably pretending
me: so I don't know how to properly evaluate this
Catalina: i was relly upset after karen died
me: well, you were having fun with me, which doesn't tell me what's going on in general
Catalina: much much more so than now
7:54 PM i am not unhappy really
im just a selfdestructive person
always have been
i toldd you this
me: I would have known it anyway, but
7:55 PM one can be self-destructive and happy
look
Catalina: i was rying becayse the guy i have been with for 5 years punched me in the face several times
thats not being unhappy
thats normal
me: you seemed to be saying you've always been unhappy just a few minutes ago
7:56 PM Catalina: well in the sense tht im not happy
me: let me ask you this
Catalina: but im not suicidal or anyrhing
me: okay
are you concerned about your general state of being right now?
Catalina: no
me: okay
7:57 PM Catalina: im concerned i took all my benzos and now i dont have any more
7:59 PM here is what makes me the most unhappy:
1. larry loves me more than anyone who is not family has ever loved me and i dont love him back that way
8:00 PM 2. my family loves me and has expectations from me
3. I have to get up and work
it pathetic
i should be fine
8:01 PM but the pressure... oh... its just too much to bear for this poor fragile soul
me: if you could make it such that you wouldn't have to get up and go to work, would that help to solve numbers one and two
Catalina: no
i still would not love larry like he loves me
I mean i love him so much
me: insomuch as that it would also help to meet whatever expectations your family has for you by virtue of providing you with greater opportunities?
Catalina: i just would neve ever ever have sex with him
8:02 PM what would solce 1 is if larry were gay
me: okay, but if the other problems were solved, your only remaining large problem would be this very common one that you just described regarding Larry
Catalina: ok therapist brown
8:03 PM session is over
i am fine
i am cured
i gotta get hom
e
me: okay
good night
Catalina: i am happier and healthier than most
send me the bill
which i will never open or pay
me: got it
Catalina: good night