I'm not naive on the topic of people swinging both ways. My father now lives with a man after having being married 25 years to my mother. For purposes of perspective, let's call me the straight man in this scenario - rather, for the sake of clarity, the straight woman. I am not your average Joe(sephine), but
as far as orientation goes, I'm totally straight: never even made out with another woman
for money at a college party, have no interest in women romantically.
My best friend, she's straight too, or so she says - and when she does say it, she
does so in the same sentence as, "and I date women." She's going on a date
with a woman tonight - a masculine woman, but definitely a woman. She hasn't
dated or hooked up with with a woman in years; I thought maybe she was over
that phase - the girl on girl phase, or so I considered it - but maybe it was
inconsiderate of me to think of it that way. It's just that over the last few years,
she's seemed committed to males, expressing her specific love for the male
anatomy.
I could see people saying she's bisexual... by definition, I suppose it
would be hard to debate that - but I would never call her bisexual. Bisexual
has a a ring to it that knowing her, doesn't suit my friend.... she's more
like
morphis sexual, a term I just made up. This entails an "it depends" attitude,
morphing her sexuality as it goes along without categorical restriction.
When talking about her dating life she says,
"I have to say, I definitely have double standards. I don't want my man
dating guys, but I would expect him not to be upset that I've dated chicks.
I might even expect him to let me have a girlfriend while I'm dating him, as
I have in the past."
For the sake of being literal, she said she may expect her boyfriend to let
her have a girlfriend, too, but still, many may see her attitude as selfish.
Knowing Drusilla, when Drusilla says she's straight, she's not saying it in denial -
it's just a matter of fact statement. She doesn't put a lot of thought
into it; she does what she does and wants who and what she wants as a
straight woman. It's like vegetarians who say, "But I eat chicken." Obviously
they are not really vegetarians, but do we have the time to argue with them
about it, especially if most of the time they don't eat chicken? I bring up
the famous quote by the filmmaker Renior, "A murderer is not a murderer all
the time." Shall we change that humanistic quote a little and also say,
"Drusilla is not a lesbian all the time?" Not exactly the same idea, but
somewhat relevant.
I've had other friends, men and women, privately confide in me that they have
considerable same sex interest, either saying "I'm bi" or "I could be gay,
if I wanted to."
The only real roadblock for such people as this seems to be a distaste
for the sex parts of their own gender - we're dealing here with women who say they don't want to
touch pussy and men who would rather not touch cock with the general
conclusion being something like, "I'm too tired to be gay, it sounds
exausting.... all that cock/pussy grabbing sounds dutiful and awkward." Maybe
they are just over intellectualizing their impulses to the point that they
no longer feel natural, as all genitals can be intimidating at first. Or maybe
they are intellectualizing on purpose to backwardly repress thier same sex
hankerings. On the other hand, maybe they really don't have sincere desire
for their own sex the way they think they could, but rather playful imaginations
and a subtle attraction.
Drusilla had this to say today before going off on her first date with a
female in years: "I have never been fucked by a dyke with a strap-on. I am
kind of interested as to what that might be like... kind of seems a little scary."
Yet I feel like she would try it, if she felt like it; without hemming and
hawing over technicalities of touching genitals, she would do it. Let's face
it: if you're reasoning it out, it's probably not sex. Sex is not an
intellectual process. Rather, it's more involved with where blood flows and arousal
in specific parts of the brain. If sex were just a willing thought process,
Viagra would be unnecessary. Drusilla's curiosity is simple. It doesn't reek of
the over-analysis that may force others with similar hankerings as her to
back down... she's just a little scared of a strap-on, and understandably so. I am,
too, although I am not in much danger of one coming at me, so to speak.
Women who feel too much preassure from the opposite sex may decide to be
with women despite the initial difficulties of touching pussy. I know an
older lesbian couple in which one of the women doesn't consider herself a
thoroughbred lesbian, yet she was enticed by the security of her lesbain
relationship. Her not always having been a lesbian is a sore spot in the
relationship, as one might well imagine, and this seems to cause her partner - a true lesbian - some
stress. One may say of a straight-acting lesbian, "A lesbian who is a lesbian
currently may not be a lesbian thoroughly" -unlike Drusilla, who is, according
to herself, the authority on her own status and not a lesbian at all (but
fairly, wouldn't be offended by being termed a lesbian), and also not yet
invested in her lesbian actions, yet she agrees that being with women can feel
safe. Drusilla expresses the encreased comfort level with females before her
date today as such: "I don't really feel the need to impress. Dykes don't care how
stinky your crotch is or whether or not you've shaved your armpits."
For men, being gay is rarely a light plan B ponderance. I don't know any
old gay couples in which one of the men is half half-heartedly homosexual, but
just decided to settle - I'm not saying they're not out there. I also don't
know any male Drusilla equivalents, although sometimes she does, in jest, say
she has a dick, but I don't know any men who openly and in earnest insist
they are straight and are entitled to a boyfriend. Again, I'm not saying
they are not out there, I'm sure they are, but let's face it, society wants
people to make a decision and to do one person, place, or thing at once.
Multiples are often considered to be in bad taste, sexually, especially among
sober people.
As we progress through life, no longer experimenting - if one ever does
experiment with sexuality rather than express it - different approaches to
relationships take on a more serious tone. Drusilla dating a woman could result
in her actually having a long term female romantic companion. As a social
animal, I selfishly and necessarily think about how this may affect me; if
she does indeed commit to a woman, I will be telling people my best friend
is a lesbian and I'll be listening to Drusilla talk about her "girlfriend".
I'm not used to that. It could alter my perception of myself, having a lesbian
best friend.
This maybe isn't so different than me getting a different type
of man. If I hypothetically chose a dentist instead of an artist, a short
one instead of a fat one, Drusilla would have to tell people that her best friend
loved short dentists, even if it was my first serious relationship with a
short dentist after having been used to me loving fat artists.
Maybe she would call me an oral shortbiano, and she would have to listen to
me tell stories along these lines: "My boyfriend couldn't reach his tooth drill today. He had to use a step stool, and
the stool was so tall and this really concerned me." And she,
as a friend, would have to learn to care and not find my new concerns
bizarre. Any new personal romantic divergences may surprise your friends, at least
at first, but ultimately this is the freedom we love and love to talk about:
"Who's a lesbian? Where!" The love of freedom in love.
We're humans. We can get used to just about anything, as long as it's honest.
Anyway, as of yet, Drusilla is still not a lesbian; maybe tomorrow.
"Donna [the woman Drusilla went on a date with] and I will probably
fall in love and then she'll see this article and be like, 'You used me just
so your friend could get write this article!'"
See, we all have our personal concerns.