| Subject: Chat with Catalina Saldaña |
| From: "Catalina Saldaña" <cat.salda@gmail.com> |
11:24 AM Catalina: i see you have a computer now
me: yep, Englishman next door lent it to me
11:25 AM I had to make sure captain Whines Like a Girl had access to one first
so had to get two of them
11:26 AM Catalina: that describes about 3 of your roommates
me: ah, yes
Australian Euro-Stylin' Fop Editor Publisher Who Can't Operate a Toaster Without Going to Pieces
11:27 AM sadly, the best roommate by far
11:28 AM Catalina: i see, i would have lent you my laptop
but the screen is not working once again
me: you leaving on Friday?
Catalina: im leaving today
11:29 AM carl throws laptops around when hes angry so laptops are not safe around him
me: they're not any safer here
11:30 AM Catalina: it was his laptop anyway and hes paying to get it fixed so I can't complain too much, but it sucks not having a computer at home
me: I know
11:32 AM Fucking most retarded editor in the the world at Onion keeps faggoting up my articles and now I've got to either re-write this entire piece or explain to him the four or five reading comprehension errors he has clearly made in trying to edit it
which wouldn't work because he would mis-read those as well
also I have no coffee left
11:33 AM I'm going to smoke this weed, I guess
11:34 AM Catalina: ok
you should
me: also I had to make up this story about going to rehab because editor of TrueSlant asked me yesterday why I hadn't posted anything for a month
Catalina: haha
you said because you went to rehab?
11:35 AM me: when the truth is that I am negligent and in fact got more done for them on heroin than off it
Catalina: or you wrote a story about going to rehab?
me: I told him I went to rehab
Catalina: i see
they need to provide you with heroin
me: he sent me an e-mail, "Did we lose you for good?"
so I told him this nonsense
11:36 AM Catalina: who is he? Peter whatever his name is?
me: and he was like, "Got it, man, let me know if I can help, take you out to lunch"
No, Coates Bateman, editor of TrueSlant
Catalina: yes taking you out to lunch would really help your problems
me: yeah
11:37 AM like, I just need someone to take me out to lunch
TAKE ME TO LUNCH TAKE ME TO IT
Catalina: my boss called me to his office yesterday
i thought i was going to get fired
but no
he wants me to write a paper with him
11:38 AM me: very well
Catalina: and this other girl i kind of have a crush on
me: on what?
Catalina: Haldol
which i know nothing about, so the other girl (Karine) and I have to sort through a mess of data and figure it out
11:39 AM me: very romantic
Catalina: im actually excited to get to know her
itll all go horribly wrong im sure
shell catch me smelling her hair or something and it will freak her out
me: lol
don't get caught
11:40 AM Catalina: shes getting married in a month so i dont have much time
me: just cut off some of her hair and take it with you
Catalina: haha
thats a good idea
me: yeah, it sure is hard to fuck married people
11:41 AM Catalina: its not about fucking barrett
me: I see
Catalina: its not about fucking, Barrett
its about a relationship
me: commas are important
Catalina: very
its about having a deep and meaningful relationship with a girl
11:43 AM me: if just two or three Arabs blow something up in Manhattan i nthe next two hours I won't have to read this guy's stupid fucking notes.
but that won't happen
also you could save your girlfriend from the explosion
and perhaps the groom would not perform heroically during the attack
and she would realize that you are the one she wants
11:44 AM Catalina: if only, then all our dreams would come true
me: hold on, I'm going to get a cup of coffee from the bodega
Catalina: k
11:48 AM me: wow, now I'm happy I don't have to go outside again. that really gave me some perspective
11:51 AM HI BARRETT,
I LIKE THIS. THANKS FOR WRITING IT. HERE'S MY EDIT. I TRIED TO TRIM IT IN PLACES FOR THE SAKE OF FOCUS, AND I MADE SOME NOTES WITHIN I WAS HOPING YOU COULD ADDRESS.
This is the city editor of a prominent publication typing in all caps and talking like Mister Rogers
11:52 AM Catalina: i wish i never had to go outside again, it makes me cry
haha
tell him that
give him some feedback
also, lets move to mexico now
please
me: you should see the idiotic notes he made
I've never been so close to doing so
11:53 AM except for that last time I did it
all is pain
what I'm going to do
11:54 AM is just smoke all of this and drink and bunch more coffee and then edit the thing and it will be ridiculous
and he will never bother me again
11:55 AM also I had another gay exchange of e-mails with this neo-Nazi respectable commentator fellow
11:59 AM I'm just going to keep typing even though you're not there anymore
so, this guy
12:01 PM is the one with close connections to Palin via the book he did, has held some positions at things like Washington Times that qualify one, again, as respectable
but he's clearly a giant neo-Nazi, as I won't shut up about
12:02 PM anyway, I decided to put him in my book as I'm got about two weeks more to do it now
and he's being all wacky about it
and sort-of-kind-of calling me an anti-Semite
12:03 PM which is besides the point
Catalina: im back
me: TYPE TYPE TYPE
Catalina: is him being a neo nazi besides the point?
me: actually, sort of
12:04 PM the point is that his employers won't acknowledge this, like AMerican Spectator
becuase it would be a scandal for them
also he's a giant crackerjack faggot
white to a criminal degree
http://rsmccain.blogspot.com/2009/12/demonization-inc.html
12:05 PM he wrote about me twice yesterday
so I challenged him to an exchange/debate and promised to print anything he'd like to say in my book as well
such that, if he is as correct in this as he claims to be, he will have a chance to humiliate me in my own book
12:06 PM but he's a pussy and won't go for it, I expect
Catalina: good title: People That Barrett Brown Doesn't Like (Mainly Jews).
id read that
me: lol
he's on to me
12:19 PM me: at any rate I got my publisher to give me two more weeks on the book
which saves my future from destruction
12:20 PM I would have been totally fucked otherwise
12:28 PM me: are you talking to the girl you're stalking?
Catalina: no
i was on the phone with carl
me: it'd be funny if she saw the thing about you cutting off her hair
Catalina: all he does is complain
isnt that what his wife is for?
he thinks his life is the most difficult ever
12:29 PM me: do you do any work over there or do you just talk to your various male flings and obsess over your female co-workers all day?
Catalina: whiny little bitch!
i was trying to do work
i mean i have been while writing to you
me: CUT TALK OF BIGGER PROJECT UNLESS WE CAN PRESENT SOME INFO ABOUT IT. NOT A GOOD IDEA TO BASICALLY TELL A READER, 'HEY, THEY HAVE SOMETHING BIG BREWING BUT WE/THEY ARE NOT GOING TO BOTHER TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT.'
12:30 PM [HERE, WE NEED SOME HINT AT LEAST OF WHAT THESE PEOPLE DO AND WHY THEY SHOULD INTEREST US. IT'S A SIMPLE MATTER OF GIVING A SENSE OF IT IN THE NUT-GRAF, MOVING A HINT OF IT UP. I LIKE THE WRY JOKE OF IT, BUT ADD SOMETHING TOO THAT WILL ALSO INTRIGE THE READER].
CAN YOU EXPAND ON THIS GRAF A BIT? LET'S MAKE IT THE LAST GRAF, AND THUS TRY TO GIVE IT A MORE PURPOSEFUL THRUST. IT'S GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, SO MAYBE OPEN UP ITS VIEW TO THE FUTURE OF CITIZEN RADIO IN PARTICULAR. BETTER TO FOCUS ON THIS ONE CR ENTERPRISE THAN "THE MEDIA" AT THE END.
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
I write for fucking Vanity Fair
12:31 PM and they don't change a single word
Catalina: GIVE IT A MORE PURPOSEFUL THRUST.
me: and they sure as fuck don't ask me to wade through this fucking inane fucking graduate-school crackerjack bullshit
12:32 PM Catalina: yeah but you should GIVE IT A MORE PURPOSEFUL THRUST.
me: okay
wait, does it say that in there?
Catalina: yes
me: oh shit
Catalina: did you miss that?
me: god dammnit
12:34 PM Catalina: i hate columbia
their business office sucks
12:35 PM so i have patients hounding me because they have not received their checks for participating in our study
so i no longer answer my phone at work
12:36 PM me: good thinking
12:38 PM Catalina: but since i am leaving and people will have access to my voicemail i have to call all of them now and tell them they will not be getting their before christmas
their checks
12:40 PM i am thinking i should start giving out the business office number so they can get harassed instead of me, id probably get in trouble for that though
me: just don't pick up
12:44 PM this guy also breaks sentences when he's not writing stupid notes about how I am not thrusting in as purposeful manner as he would prefer
and he doesn't know how to use parentheses
12:45 PM This is how you use parentheses (if you are a competent editor).
12:46 PM This how you use parentheses. (If you are Andy Fucking Battaglia, world's biggest faggot).
Catalina: he also spelled intrigue "intrige"
me: well, why not?
12:47 PM he's got a streak going
Catalina: i wish i were an editor
12:48 PM me: editors constitute an incompetent membrane that feeds off of talent
Catalina: yeah, it would be easy
me: and publishers are all sex criminals
Catalina: really?
mmhhh
maybe i should be a publisher
12:49 PM me: this one my mom worked for writing books for five years was the biggest most ridiculous douchebag ever and constantly tried to get her to fuck him while also screwing her out of royalties
12:50 PM and he's not even that bad
12:51 PM wait
okay
this editor
also
added in information on events
that will already have occurred by the time it goes to press next week
12:54 PM Catalina: my fucking coworkers took all my amphetamines!
that really pisses me off
i told them they could have some because i was being nice
and I just called her to ask her for the bottle back
12:55 PM and shes like "oh we finished them"
1:08 PM me: Mel just asked me if "futile" has an R
1:09 PM maybe he should go work at the onion, too
1:34 PM Catalina: frutile?
me: yeah
1:35 PM Catalina: new word
me: look at this
this is his version of what was previously a proper set of sentences
Catalina: maybe it means fruitful.. fertile or something
me: Kilstein, whose act draws heavily on politics and religion, has been called" a combination of George Carlin and Bill Hicks," (by Janeane Garofalo),
1:36 PM and then it goes on
having left an unnecessary parentheses that is once again wrongly placed
in its wake
Catalina: you should respond to him in his style
1:37 PM "you" should, respond (to him) in... his style
1:38 PM me: lol
(okay).
fucking faggot
me: so
me: a second ago
me: straub gets this PR chick on the phone so she can talk to Chris and buy a bunch of ads
me: and thereby pump money into this apartment
me: and she's interested in buying
me: so straub hands phone to publisher editor fop guy
me: who IMMEDIATELY DROPS THE PHONE AND THE BATTERIES COME OUT
me: luckily the problem was solved by calling her right back
me: but still
me: he is very good with these people, though
Catalina: not good with toasters
Catalina: or phones
Catalina: and i imagine many other electronics
me: oh my god
me: he is berating andy about publicists
me: in the most foppish way possible
me: and wine buyers
me: lol
me: Melvin and him are now arguing about whether or not Melvin can write
me: or read
me: seriously, now the discussion is about crack and spare ribs
me: guy just called me and I told him I quit because he edits too much
me: his voice was all crackerjackish
Catalina: did you really quit?
me: yeah
me: this faggot actually called me and was coming as close to a pasty-faced little twentysomething college graduate can to giving me an order
me: so I explained the situation to him
me: which is that I'm uber 1337 and don't do rewrites
me: hey, somebody bought drugs
me: for once