Chat with Catalina Saldaña

9:55 PM Catalina: hey

9:57 PM me: you still there?

9:58 PM what are you up to tonight

9:59 PM me: finished chapters, just got some vodka, am thinking of drinking some of it

you're not going to be around on the 13th, are you?

am invited to Onion Christmas party

Catalina: i think i will

10:00 PM i get back on saturday

whatever date that is

me: good, you should come

i have a big bottle of wine here i am planning on drinking

usually on these trips i spend a lot of time by myself getting drunk in hotel rooms

10:01 PM me: at least you're not at work

me: sexually harassing other girls

Catalina: im moving on to women

10:02 PM me: yeah, I'm usually the last stop on that train

me: so, not enjoying the trip the florida with the married guy, eh?

10:03 PM I mean, I'm sorry to hear that

Catalina: yeah well i did some snooping since im on his computer

Catalina: i cant help it

me: this should be good

Catalina: yeah he had some fling with some woman in thailand this past summer

10:04 PM me: how did you discover that?

me: so, he's cheating on you??!?!!?!?!?!?!

Catalina: yes i shouldnt snoop i know

me: I didn't say that

Catalina: no, hes not cheating on me

Catalina: we just cant trust each other

10:05 PM and its disgusting that he acts all upset when i go over to your place or larrys and makes me feel guilty about it

10:06 PM me: tell him I said hi

Catalina: if he wants to go around and fuck other women i really honestly dont care. its the being lied to that really bothers me

10:07 PM im not sure if i should tell him when he comes back

me: yeah, you probably shouldn't do that at al

me: what with you being stuck in Florida with him for five days

10:08 PM Catalina: yeah but im disgusted by him right now

and if he tries to come near me im afraid ill probably punch him

which happens when i drink and am mad at him

10:10 PM me: sorry, Chris was talking to me

we're doing screenplays now, I guess

so this trip is going to go terribly, eh?

10:11 PM Catalina: screenplays?

what are you working on/

me: Chris just got signed with this production company with which he's been in talks, says they're looking for more writers

10:12 PM he's already got one finished, I'll do one in a couple weeks

10:13 PM the 13th is monday, will you still be around then?

10:14 PM Catalina: yes

screenplay about what

me: I've got a concept that's largely fleshed out for a political comedy

wouldn't take long to write

10:15 PM screenplays are chickenshit

screenwriters are fags, too

they'd die if they had to work in a real format

10:16 PM Catalina: well i was not aware

10:17 PM me: well, you probably shouldn't take my word for it, I just look down on them

Catalina: i have to go get a bottle opener

i cant believe they dont have one in the room

me: raid the mini bar

Catalina: i take your word for everything

me: then disregard what i said abot not doing that

Catalina: one time we were out of town and i got drunk and pissed off i broke some picture on the wall

he paid quite a bit for that

10:19 PM me: I bet they charged ten times what the picture was worth

they buy those fucking things in bulk

10:20 PM Catalina: it was a picture of jefferson and i am not forn of him anyway

lincoln would have been a totally different matter

10:21 PM the hypocrisy and whatnot?

Jen sent me a wacky angry e-mail

Catalina: yes i guess

but mainly i had to watch that 1776 musical in school

Catalina: and i hated jefferson and his stupid violin

10:23 PM me: Thomas Paine is the only really good one anyway

Catalina: what did jen have to say/

me: bunch of nonsense

she had sent me an e-mail noting that I'd hurt her feelings

Catalina: i remember that

10:24 PM me: I sent her one back explaining that we had broken up a week before

10:26 PM and ecetera

apparently Christopher now wants to buy some crack

to celebrate his screenwriting venture

10:27 PM oh, check this out

Andy actually sold some ad space in the mag

like, thousands of bucks worth

he did something useful

10:28 PM here's what I'd written back to her

Feel free to come by whenever you'd. I've certainly never set out to hurt your feelings, but we had broken up the weekend before and you'd gotten mad at me and left the previous Thursday morning, so I invited a girl to come over on Saturday. Then you asked me to watch your dog that day, and I did, and then you came by to get your dog and hang out, and meanwhile here's this girl who took an hour-long train ride to see me. Clearly you and I were not compatible, we had broken up, you had once again gotten mad and left a few days before and I hadn't heard from you until the next morning when you needed me to watch your dog while you went to Boston, and even previous to that you had objected to the designation "girlfriend." I was under the impression that we were no longer going out, and at the very least not exclusively dating anymore.

notice how civilized and sensible this e-mail is

and then captain crazy fires back with

"you're absolutely right. I have no right to be offended. What you did was completely reasonable and considerate, and a reciprocate of the kindness and caring that I'd shown you. You've done nothing wrong and you're a great guy. Have a nice life."

10:30 PM now Andy's arguing with some chick named, uh, Clydia?

10:33 PM Catalina: im back

the name is unfortunate

10:34 PM this is all kind of funny

and all this stupid drama

why is he arguing with her/ and good for andy

me: I have no idea what's going on

10:35 PM I missed a bunch because I was on the phone to drug dealer and trying to figure out what drugs are needed from Chris

plus Andy's conversation doesn't make any sense

Catalina: so chris is into crack?

10:36 PM me: he enjoys coke and crack, yes

Catalina: his conversations never make sense

id like to meet chris

me: yeah, he was getting on my nerves today

some new girl moved in upstairs and his degenerate ass helps her to move some stuff but clearly creeps her out

10:37 PM I had to go tend to the situation

me: if I can get another girl upstairs like I did the Australian I can isolate the other two girls

Catalina: what do you mean/

me: the ones I confused with each other and who are impatient with my various activities

10:38 PM oh, they're always calling the landlord about some shit

Catalina: the stupid shift key doesnt work properly

me: either the drug operation or noise or something

Catalina: i still cant open this stupid bottle of wine!!!

Catalina: im about to break it against a picture

10:39 PM me: lol it's the only way

I guess I'll smoke a bunch of crack tonight

and work on next chapter

10:40 PM Catalina: got it!

10:41 PM me: good job!

jesus, straub's still talking to this chick

meanwhile Miriam has sent me probably 15 messages in three days

10:42 PM Catalina: crazy

me: which almost invariably refer to me as "babe"

10:43 PM gross gross

me: and invited me to a dinner party in the east village

Catalina: sorry.. immature response

yes, youre totally the dinner party kind of guy

yeah, like I'd fucking do that

fucking east village

10:44 PM with god knows what sort of pseudointellectual douchebags

also, a dinner party

10:45 PM me: CAN I BRING SOMETHING MAYBE A BOTTLE OF WINE OR A DISH JUST LET ME KNOW!!!!!!

faggots and girl faggots

Catalina: yeah, you can totally cook for it, and wear a nice blazer

10:46 PM makes me want to run away from all people

me: I totally took this article I'd already published elsewhere and turned it into the introductory chapter

Catalina: live in the mountains or something

me: and thus I polished 7000 words off the book in half an hour

10:47 PM Catalina: i still have to read what you sent me

10:49 PM me: the onion party's on monday night in brooklyn, you should call in sick the next day and say you caught something in Florida

10:50 PM ill try not to catch anything

that asshole is sleeping on the fucking floor

me: or say you're busy talking to a lawyer bout a sexual harrassment suit but maybe you'll reconsider if you get Tuesday off

Catalina: or at his mothers place

yeah... ill stay here and he can stay with his mom.

good plan! i like the way i think

10:51 PM Catalina: ill try to get tuesday off

10:52 PM the thing is im already taking the 18th off

me: also, Vanity Fair wants me to do a piece in which I declare a truce in the alleged War on Christmas on behalf of all atheists

Catalina: are you going to/

me: I'm going to smoke all that crack and write it tonight

me: it will be a farcical truce

Catalina: i absolutely hate it

10:53 PM the 18th is my birthday

did i tell you that?

10:54 PM i dont like christman or new years or birthdays or celebrating things like that. so forced and sad and empty

10:55 PM me: zOmg happy birthday lol

maybe in your family

my family owns christmas

Catalina: good for your family

me: now melvin is here

10:56 PM it's like christmas!

Catalina: oh well you go have fun with the boys

me: he's mad cause someone stole his coat

even though he used to ROB STARBUCKS

Catalina: no i agree with him

its totally different

10:57 PM to steal from starbucks is different than stealing from a person

i like not eating so i get drunk a lot faster

to steal from melvin is different from stealing from a person

10:59 PM Catalina: im reading your chapter now

11:00 PM WHITE DOMINANCE PLANETWIIDE

Catalina: you call him mel?

11:01 PM me: on occasion

Catalina: did he really write that?

11:02 PM I'm going to steal some shit from him right now

Catalina: whats there to steal/

me: "Where is my life going?"

11:03 PM Catalina: at least hes a male

he was leering at the new girl from my window

11:05 PM Catalina: gross

"Where's the drug dealer?" in his little English accent

"HE'S GETTING DRUGS"

11:07 PM Catalina: i agree with chris

me: they just came over 15 minutes ago to get the money

Catalina: that lazy asshole better get there if he wants to do business

me: they gotta go to the projects over

Catalina: well he should have had the drugs on him

11:08 PM it's this couple from down the street,they're more users than dealers

Mel is now on the phone

Catalina: you are funny barrett

me: trying to get gay pornroles

he's really into the idea

me: Straub made some callls for himtoo

Catalina: i was thinking id watch some porn tonight

11:09 PM Catalina: since im here by myself

me: so he can pay me

Catalina: lots of porn

Catalina: then itll be charged to carls room

me: I guess you should get some lesbian porn

i guess it wont show up on the bill anyway

11:10 PM me: WHY IS A BLACK MAN TALKING TO A FAGGOT ON MY PHONE

Catalina: so maybe lesbian porn