Re: Barrett EDIT

On Thu, Oct 8, 2009 at 1:58 PM, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:

I'll have some pitches to you a bit later this afternoon. Sorry for the delay; I have been in some weird conflict with a racist former Washington Times editor.

On Wed, Oct 7, 2009 at 4:14 PM, Paul Caine <pcaine@theonion.com> wrote:
Oh, and please send more pitches. Don't know if I mentioned that before. Thanks!

Paul

On Tue, Sep 29, 2009 at 4:41 PM, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:

Let me know if this works:

"Money can't buy love," we are often told, presumably by someone who has never tried. But even to the extent this little saying might be true, it remains misleading. As a thought experiment, say you happen to find yourself alone on an island, far from another island filled with attractive people. All the virtues in the world aren't going to get you loved, or even fondled; you'll need a speedboat, too. And money to buy a speedboat. Love is complicated.

Love is also expensive, a fact that's obvious to those whose mating strategy hinges on visits to bars. The economical enthusiast of sex will seek out watering holes with a favorable ratio of money spent to willing mammals met. A couple such bars may be found in the wilds of Williamsburg and the barrios of Bushwick, two neighborhoods where you're most likely to find yourself at night if you happen to be young, broke, and pretty. Both bars feature unusually high ratios of good-looking patrons who are either single or pretending to be, and neither is quite as expensive as the average Manhattan lounge.

Spending an evening at Union Pool (484 Union Avenue) may very well be New York's most surefire method of obtaining sex that doesn't involve Craigslist and crystal meth. Patrons tend to be reasonably attractive; they are also kind enough to come in a wide variety of models, including hot little female Maoist bass players, fun-loving European emigres, gay black fashion designers, and, of course, the inevitable legions of artistic types who have decided that their lives would be vastly improved by a beard.

The drinks at Union Pool aren't extraordinarily cheap: well drinks go for $5. But you can get two cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon for the same amount, and the real value of Union Pool lies in the array of strategic advantages that await those paramours willing to seize them. Outside, a large patio area encourages smoking and, consequently, the chance to meet your intended mate by way of the Asking For A Lighter Or A Cigarette method. There's also a concrete pond around which to sit, with this facilitating eye contact and awkward conversation. A taco truck is perpetually stationed out back as well; this will not help you.

It's a reasonable walk from there, down dark blocks and past the occasional fried-chicken emporium, to Beauty Bar, a watering hole that derives its name and novelty from Kennedy-era cosmetic kitsch and on-site manicures. There's a long-standing original near Union Square, but far superior is the newer Beauty Bar in Bushwick (921 Broadway), which provides a bit of comely glamour to those members of the creative class who find themselves trolling among the projects. Here, removed from the soul-crushing surroundings of flea markets stupid T-shirts, bargoers tend to be in an unusually exuberant mood, and thus susceptible to your wiles. Further exuberance stems from the fact that the few other bars in the area are largely male-oriented institutions geared more towards getting drunk than getting laid.

Beauty Bar places a marked emphasis on DJs, who themselves tend to place a marked emphasis on music played just loud enough to make shouting necessary. This may be problematic for those whose charms lie in conversation, but it also provides excellent cover for those who couldn't hold a conversation to save their life. Nor is this necessarily a fatal flaw even for the talkers; males in particular will find that sitting at the window to the right of the door will keep them as far as possible from the loudspeakers, while also strategically positioning them a foot away from the manicure table, where a constant flow of female customers helps to approximate something akin to speed dating.

Now, go forth and procreate; future generations cry out for life!

On Mon, Sep 28, 2009 at 7:29 PM, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:
Sure thing, I'll get the revised version to you by tomorrow afternoon. I'll also have a couple of article ideas for you by then as well.

Thanks,

Barrett Brown
Brooklyn, NY
512-560-2302

On Mon, Sep 28, 2009 at 6:24 PM, Paul Caine <pcaine@theonion.com> wrote:
Hi Barrett,

We edited your piece and we're still hung up on the ending. Basically, as readers we need to understand what's special about Beauty Barand why it's different than Union Pool. Noting that people who smoke outside can talk to one another feels limp, as you can do that at any bar. I've attached an edited copy with comments from my editor. Let me know what you think. If you can make editsessentially re-write the last grafand return it by tomorrow afternoon, that'd be ideal. Thanks much,

Paul

--
Paul Caine
NY Assistant City Editor The A.V. Club
900 Broadway, Suite 203
New York, NY 10003
p 212-777-3700 x232 | f 212-777-3716
newyork.avclub.com
twitter.com/AVClubNY

--
Paul Caine
NY Assistant City Editor The A.V. Club
900 Broadway, Suite 203
New York, NY 10003
p 212-777-3700 x232 | f 212-777-3716
newyork.avclub.com
twitter.com/AVClubNY