On Sat, Sep 26, 2009 at 3:32 AM, Barrett Brown <
barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:
> I've actually wanted to go try my hand at an open mic night for a while now,
> and I'm thinking that I'd like to go do it maybe in the next couple weeks or
> so, after I make some tweaks and additions to what I've got so far. It would
> be awesome if you could come along and give me a critique afterwards. I'll
> even buy you dinner or drinks and give you some awesome pot that my roommate
> has - it's seriously the best in New York, other dealers come from around
> Bushwick to buy from him for their own pot needs. Give me some professional
> advice and moral support and I'll reward you handsomely with handsome
> riches.
>
> Also, that's pretty admirable that you only do your own stuff; do most
> comedians work that way?
>
> On Mon, Sep 21, 2009 at 10:18 AM, jamie kilstein <
jamiekilstein@gmail.com>
> wrote:
>>
>> Hey dude,
>>
>> That's really fucking funny. I only do stuff I write but if you ever
>> want to try it at an open mike or something I would go with you for
>> sure. Take care, sorry we still have not hung out.
>>
>> On Sat, Sep 19, 2009 at 7:07 PM, Barrett Brown <
barriticus@gmail.com>
>> wrote:
>> > Yo, Jamie-
>> >
>> > Just remembered that I wrote a little stand-up material a few years
>> > back.
>> > Feel free to try any of this stuff out and see if it gets laughs.
>> >
>> > When I was a kid, when my uncle came over for Christmas one year and
>> > gave me
>> > a scratch-off lottery ticket. Basically, he had given me a probability
>> > whereby I might receive a Christmas gift.
>> >
>> > Look, I need to make a confession, because I feel really bad about
>> > something. I just made that whole thing up, about my uncle giving me a
>> > lottery ticket for Christmas. That never happened. I don't know why I
>> > said
>> > it did. I don't even have an uncle. I guess I'm just a liar. Worse, I'm
>> > a
>> > thief, too. I used to steal lottery tickets from my uncle all the time
>> > when
>> > I was a kid.
>> >
>> > You know those old movies where some British explorer is exploring a
>> > pyramid
>> > or some such and then he open a sarcophagus with a mummy in it, and then
>> > the
>> > mummy gets out and starts chasing the explorer with his hands
>> > outstretched
>> > like this, you know? What is the mummy going to do if he catches the
>> > explorer? What is the mummy's motivation? Frankly, I can't imagine that
>> > a
>> > mummy would have any motivation whatsoever. And why would you run away
>> > from
>> > a mummy? He's been rotting. That doesn't make you stronger. Frankly, I'm
>> > beginning to think that some of these movies are made up.
>> >
>> > You want to know something really sad? Every time we discover a new
>> > mummy,
>> > it becomes that much less likely that we're going to find another one.
>> > At
>> > this point, we're probably not going to find any more mummies, so you're
>> > just going to have to learn to enjoy the mummies you already have.
>> >
>> > There was a poll that Time magazine did a few years back which revealed
>> > that
>> > twenty percent of Americans believe in witches. Twenty percent. Isn't
>> > that
>> > great? I really admire those people. Think how exciting that must be, to
>> > believe that witches are running around and casting spells on things. I
>> > could really use some excitement in my life. So I've decided to believe
>> > in
>> > werewolves. Making yourself believe in werewolves is a time-consuming
>> > process. You have to spend a lot of time looking at pictures of hairy
>> > people. I've been trying to get a picture of Robin Williams with his
>> > shirt
>> > off, for instance. I'm probably the only person who can say that.
>> >
>> > Oh, just a quick announcement before I forget - if anyone is interested
>> > in
>> > buying some stolen lottery tickets, please come see me after the show.
>> >
>> > Anyway, who wants to see me do some impressions? Too bad.
>> >
>> > Just kidding. I like to do impressions, but I like to do them wrong. I
>> > don't
>> > like to feel constrained by convention. So I just do them how I want to
>> > do
>> > them. For instance, this whole time I've been talking, I've actually
>> > been
>> > doing an impression of Sean Connery. Did you catch that? And during the
>> > parts when I wasn't actually being funny, I was doing Carlos Mencia. Now
>> > I'm
>> > going to do Arnold Schwarzenegger. (In robot voice) "LOOK AT ME, I'M
>> > ARNOLD
>> > SCHWARZENEGGER! I'M A BIG ROBOT, BEEP, BEEP, MALFUNCTION EARTH
>> > HUMANOID!"
>> > And here's Liz Taylor (in Mr. T voice) "I PITY THE FOOL THAT DOESN'T BUY
>> > ME
>> > SOME FUCKING DIAMONDS AND TAKE ME OUT TO EAT AT SOME FANCY RESTAURANT
>> > OUT IN
>> > SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA OR PARIS OR SOMEWHERE LIKE THAT! I'M HUNGRY FOR SOME
>> > CAKE, SUCKA!"
>> >
>> > Oh my god, is that a werewolf back there? No, way in the back there...
>> > okay,
>> > I guess it's not. Well, you never know, do you?
>> >
>> > Did you know that in Japanese culture, cats are considered symbols of
>> > sexuality? Never, ever go to Japan. Ever. Not even a little bit.
>> >
>
>