On Sat, Sep 19, 2009 at 7:07 PM, Barrett Brown <
barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:
> Yo, Jamie-
>
> Just remembered that I wrote a little stand-up material a few years back.
> Feel free to try any of this stuff out and see if it gets laughs.
>
> When I was a kid, when my uncle came over for Christmas one year and gave me
> a scratch-off lottery ticket. Basically, he had given me a probability
> whereby I might receive a Christmas gift.
>
> Look, I need to make a confession, because I feel really bad about
> something. I just made that whole thing up, about my uncle giving me a
> lottery ticket for Christmas. That never happened. I don't know why I said
> it did. I don't even have an uncle. I guess I'm just a liar. Worse, I'm a
> thief, too. I used to steal lottery tickets from my uncle all the time when
> I was a kid.
>
> You know those old movies where some British explorer is exploring a pyramid
> or some such and then he open a sarcophagus with a mummy in it, and then the
> mummy gets out and starts chasing the explorer with his hands outstretched
> like this, you know? What is the mummy going to do if he catches the
> explorer? What is the mummy's motivation? Frankly, I can't imagine that a
> mummy would have any motivation whatsoever. And why would you run away from
> a mummy? He's been rotting. That doesn't make you stronger. Frankly, I'm
> beginning to think that some of these movies are made up.
>
> You want to know something really sad? Every time we discover a new mummy,
> it becomes that much less likely that we're going to find another one. At
> this point, we're probably not going to find any more mummies, so you're
> just going to have to learn to enjoy the mummies you already have.
>
> There was a poll that Time magazine did a few years back which revealed that
> twenty percent of Americans believe in witches. Twenty percent. Isn't that
> great? I really admire those people. Think how exciting that must be, to
> believe that witches are running around and casting spells on things. I
> could really use some excitement in my life. So I've decided to believe in
> werewolves. Making yourself believe in werewolves is a time-consuming
> process. You have to spend a lot of time looking at pictures of hairy
> people. I've been trying to get a picture of Robin Williams with his shirt
> off, for instance. I'm probably the only person who can say that.
>
> Oh, just a quick announcement before I forget - if anyone is interested in
> buying some stolen lottery tickets, please come see me after the show.
>
> Anyway, who wants to see me do some impressions? Too bad.
>
> Just kidding. I like to do impressions, but I like to do them wrong. I don't
> like to feel constrained by convention. So I just do them how I want to do
> them. For instance, this whole time I've been talking, I've actually been
> doing an impression of Sean Connery. Did you catch that? And during the
> parts when I wasn't actually being funny, I was doing Carlos Mencia. Now I'm
> going to do Arnold Schwarzenegger. (In robot voice) "LOOK AT ME, I'M ARNOLD
> SCHWARZENEGGER! I'M A BIG ROBOT, BEEP, BEEP, MALFUNCTION EARTH HUMANOID!"
> And here's Liz Taylor (in Mr. T voice) "I PITY THE FOOL THAT DOESN'T BUY ME
> SOME FUCKING DIAMONDS AND TAKE ME OUT TO EAT AT SOME FANCY RESTAURANT OUT IN
> SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA OR PARIS OR SOMEWHERE LIKE THAT! I'M HUNGRY FOR SOME
> CAKE, SUCKA!"
>
> Oh my god, is that a werewolf back there? No, way in the back there... okay,
> I guess it's not. Well, you never know, do you?
>
> Did you know that in Japanese culture, cats are considered symbols of
> sexuality? Never, ever go to Japan. Ever. Not even a little bit.
>