Hi Barrett,
I really like the piece, though I have a couple of
questions/suggestions. First of all, it's never made clear why these two
bars are the ones selected. Maybe the thrust should be a case study of two
Williamsburg pick-up bars, with Union Pool representing the greatest heights
of Bedford Avenue style and Beauty Bar representing the neighborhood's final
frontier in pick-up bars. Or something like that. Either way, these bars
seem somewhat randomly selected as is.
To that end, the Beauty Bar description doesn't spend enough time
connecting its location to its status as a pick-up bar. At most bars, those
who talk to other people pick up girls...it's like that everywhere. And why
is Union Pool so popular? What draws those cute Maoists to the bar?
I've attached an edit from my editor below...it's pretty extensive, so
don't think you need to embrace every change in it. Finally, we'd love to
run this in print in a couple of weeks, and our deadline is tomorrow. If you
could have this done by the end of the day/beginning of tomorrow, that'd be
rad.
Give a call if you have any questions (I'll be in the office at around
11; if not, my cell is 703 338 0111). Thanks,
Paul
Title TK: Pick up bars.
Barrett Brown
"Money can't buy love," we are told, presumably by someone who has
never watched reality television. Even to the extent that this little saying
is true, it remains misleading; if you happen to find yourself alone on an
island, say, far from another island where may be found some hundred or so
attractive people, all the virtues in the world aren't going to get you
married or even fondled. You'll need a speedboat. And money to buy a
speedboat. Love is complicated.
THIS GRAF ABOVE LOST ME. I GET A GENERAL SENSE OF WHAT ITS SAYING,
BUT ITS TOO TANGLED, TOO MIXED-METAPHOR-Y. IF YOURE ALONE ON AN ISLAND,
HOW TOO IS THERE A SALESMAN THERE? AND WHAT DOES HE BEING GAY OR NOT HAVE TO
DO WITH ANYTHING MORE SPECIFIC THAN LOVE BEING COMPLICATED (ITSELF A
DIFFERENT IDEA THAN THE IDEA OF IT BEING EXPENSIVE). I TRIMMED IT DOWN,
SIMPLIFIED A TOUCH. THAT OK?
All of which is to say: If you need to make the journey to a bar in
order to catch a mate, an efficient evening of romantic pursuit will cost
you. The economical enthusiast of sex will thus seek out those watering
holes with a favorable ratio of money spent to willing mammals met.
Conveniently enough, two such bars may be found in Brooklyn, the city that
never saves. DOES THIS MEAN THE BOROUGH THAT NEVER SAVES? AND, IS THAT SO?
IN COMPARISON TO MANHATTAN, AT LEAST? MAYBE A BETTER WAY TO MAKE THIS
POINT
ALSO, THIS GRAF ABOVE NEEDS TO MAKE THE CASE FOR WHY THESE TWO BARS IN
PARTICULAR. A) WHY BOTH IN WILLIAMSURG, AND B) OF ALL THE BARS IN
WILLIAMSBURG, WHY THESE TWO AS CASE STUDIES? NEITHER COMES OFF BELOW AS ALL
THAT UNUSAL IN THESE TERMS, SO WE NEED TO ESTABLISH MUCH MORE FIRMLY.
Spending an evening at the misleadingly monikered Union Pool (484
Union Avenue) may very well be New York's most surefire method of obtaining
sex that doesn't involve Craigslist and crystal meth. Patrons tend to be
single and reasonably attractive. They are also kind enough to come in a
wide variety of models, including hot little female Maoist bass players,
fun-loving European émigrés of every stripe and flavor, gay black fashion
designers who buck the trend by hanging out with attractive straight chicks
instead of ugly ones IS HANGNIGN OUT WITH UGLY STRAIGHT GIRLS REALLY A
TREND?, and, of course, the inevitable legions of white HMM, WHITE IS TOO
GENERAL HERE; BE MORE SPECIFIC fellows who have decided that they would look
good in a beard.
The drinks at Union Pool aren't extraordinarily cheap: Well drinks go
for $5, for instance, although you can get two cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon for
the same amount. The real value of Union Pool lies in the array of strategic
advantages that await those willing to seize them. Outside, for instance, a
large patio area encourages smoking and, consequently, the
asking-your-intended-mate-for-a-lighter-or-cigarette method of introduction.
Several meters of stonemasonry serve as a fire pit in winter and the Western
equivalent of a koi pond throughout summer, with both facilitating eye
contact and conversation.
THIS GRAF IS PRETTY UNRELATED TO THE IDEA OF BAR-MATING. I SUGGEST WE
CUT. Meanwhile, the bathroom setup is both friend and foe. Long lines tend
to form on weekend evenings; go a couple doors down to Macri Park, an
inferior bar, and use theirs. Those who do make it into one of Union Pool's
half a dozen private bathrooms will find it to be perfect for sipping out of
a flask on the sly; if you lack a flask, two bottles of Paul Mason brandy
($2.50 each at most liquor stores) will fit nicely into the inside pockets
of a sports coat. Also, wear a sports coat. If you're a girl, make a guy
with a sports coat buy you a drink. He's probably rich.]]]]
Beauty Bar is a national mini-chain of watering holes that derive
their novelty from offering manicures on certain nights of the week.
Locations tend to pop up in gentrifying neighborhoods, with the one near
Union Square being a notable exception. Far superior is the newer Bushwick
operation (921 Broadway), which bears the great responsibility of providing
a bit of glamour to those members of the creative class who find themselves
living among the projects. It does this well; as a result, attendees tend to
be in a good mood and thus susceptible to your wiles.
But Beauty Bar provides a different set of challenges and advantages
than does Union Pool. There's a marked emphasis on DJs, who themselves tend
to put a marked emphasis on music just loud enough to make shouting
necessary; this may be problematic for those whose charms lay in
conversation, while those whose charms lay in smiling, dancing, and maybe
nodding their heads a bit will be all set. Still, the talkers have their
chance, particularly if the talkers happen to be smokers as well; the scene
out front is so consistently promising that just hanging out near the
doorway makes for a fine evening out in and of itself. And if you don't
smoke yet, consider starting up; cigarettes are delicious.
THIS NEES ANOTHER GRAF FOR BEAUTY BAR. ALL IT REALLY SAYS IS THAT
THOSE WHO CAN TALK MIGHT GET LUCKY. THATS NOT ENOUGH. IS THERE SOMETHING
ABOUT THE DISPOSITION OF PEOPLE WHO GO TO A BEAUTY BAR? SOME SUBCONSCIOUS
HOPE OF TRANSFORMATION, GLAMOR?
--
Assistant City Editor
The Onion AV Club NY
900 Broadway
New York, NY 10003
(212)-777-3700 x232
pcaine@theonion.com
aim: paulcaine2