bar piece

Title TK: Pick up bars.

Barrett Brown

"Money can't buy love," we are told, presumably by someone who has never watched reality television. Even to the extent that this little saying is true, it remains misleading; if you happen to find yourself alone on an island, say, far from another island where may be found some hundred or so attractive people, all the virtues in the world aren't going to get you married or even fondled. You'll need a speedboat. And money to buy a speedboat. Love is complicated.

THIS GRAF ABOVE LOST ME. I GET A GENERAL SENSE OF WHAT ITS SAYING, BUT ITS TOO TANGLED, TOO MIXED-METAPHOR-Y. IF YOURE ALONE ON AN ISLAND, HOW TOO IS THERE A SALESMAN THERE? AND WHAT DOES HE BEING GAY OR NOT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING MORE SPECIFIC THAN LOVE BEING COMPLICATED (ITSELF A DIFFERENT IDEA THAN THE IDEA OF IT BEING EXPENSIVE). I TRIMMED IT DOWN, SIMPLIFIED A TOUCH. THAT OK?

All of which is to say: If you need to make the journey to a bar in order to catch a mate, an efficient evening of romantic pursuit will cost you. The economical enthusiast of sex will thus seek out those watering holes with a favorable ratio of money spent to willing mammals met. Conveniently enough, two such bars may be found in Brooklyn, the city that never saves. DOES THIS MEAN THE BOROUGH THAT NEVER SAVES? AND, IS THAT SO? IN COMPARISON TO MANHATTAN, AT LEAST? MAYBE A BETTER WAY TO MAKE THIS POINT

ALSO, THIS GRAF ABOVE NEEDS TO MAKE THE CASE FOR WHY THESE TWO BARS IN PARTICULAR. A) WHY BOTH IN WILLIAMSURG, AND B) OF ALL THE BARS IN WILLIAMSBURG, WHY THESE TWO AS CASE STUDIES? NEITHER COMES OFF BELOW AS ALL THAT UNUSAL IN THESE TERMS, SO WE NEED TO ESTABLISH MUCH MORE FIRMLY.

Spending an evening at the misleadingly monikered Union Pool (484 Union Avenue) may very well be New York's most surefire method of obtaining sex that doesn't involve Craigslist and crystal meth. Patrons tend to be single and reasonably attractive. They are also kind enough to come in a wide variety of models, including hot little female Maoist bass players, fun-loving European émigrés of every stripe and flavor, gay black fashion designers who buck the trend by hanging out with attractive straight chicks instead of ugly ones IS HANGNIGN OUT WITH UGLY STRAIGHT GIRLS REALLY A TREND?, and, of course, the inevitable legions of white HMM, WHITE IS TOO GENERAL HERE; BE MORE SPECIFIC fellows who have decided that they would look good in a beard.

The drinks at Union Pool aren't extraordinarily cheap: Well drinks go for $5, for instance, although you can get two cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon for the same amount. The real value of Union Pool lies in the array of strategic advantages that await those willing to seize them. Outside, for instance, a large patio area encourages smoking and, consequently, the asking-your-intended-mate-for-a-lighter-or-cigarette method of introduction. Several meters of stonemasonry serve as a fire pit in winter and the Western equivalent of a koi pond throughout summer, with both facilitating eye contact and conversation.

THIS GRAF IS PRETTY UNRELATED TO THE IDEA OF BAR-MATING. I SUGGEST WE CUT. Meanwhile, the bathroom setup is both friend and foe. Long lines tend to form on weekend evenings; go a couple doors down to Macri Park, an inferior bar, and use theirs. Those who do make it into one of Union Pool's half a dozen private bathrooms will find it to be perfect for sipping out of a flask on the sly; if you lack a flask, two bottles of Paul Mason brandy ($2.50 each at most liquor stores) will fit nicely into the inside pockets of a sports coat. Also, wear a sports coat. If you're a girl, make a guy with a sports coat buy you a drink. He's probably rich.]]]]

Beauty Bar is a national mini-chain of watering holes that derive their novelty from offering manicures on certain nights of the week. Locations tend to pop up in gentrifying neighborhoods, with the one near Union Square being a notable exception. Far superior is the newer Bushwick operation (921 Broadway), which bears the great responsibility of providing a bit of glamour to those members of the creative class who find themselves living among the projects. It does this well; as a result, attendees tend to be in a good mood and thus susceptible to your wiles.

But Beauty Bar provides a different set of challenges and advantages than does Union Pool. There's a marked emphasis on DJs, who themselves tend to put a marked emphasis on music just loud enough to make shouting necessary; this may be problematic for those whose charms lay in conversation, while those whose charms lay in smiling, dancing, and maybe nodding their heads a bit will be all set. Still, the talkers have their chance, particularly if the talkers happen to be smokers as well; the scene out front is so consistently promising that just hanging out near the doorway makes for a fine evening out in and of itself. And if you don't smoke yet, consider starting up; cigarettes are delicious.

THIS NEES ANOTHER GRAF FOR BEAUTY BAR. ALL IT REALLY SAYS IS THAT THOSE WHO CAN TALK MIGHT GET LUCKY. THATS NOT ENOUGH. IS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT THE DISPOSITION OF PEOPLE WHO GO TO A BEAUTY BAR? SOME SUBCONSCIOUS HOPE OF TRANSFORMATION, GLAMOR?