"Money can't buy love," we are told, presumably by someone who
has never been to Dallas. Even to the extent that this little saying is
true, it remains misleading; if you happen to find yourself alone on an
island far from another island where may be found some hundred or so
attractive people, all the virtues in the world aren't going to get you
married or even fondled. You'll need a speedboat. Plus, a speedboat
salesman. It turns out that there's a speedboat salesman living on the
island, too. And you can't date the speedboat salesman because that
screws up the whole example, and also because he's gay. If you're gay,
too, then he's in denial about being gay. Love is complicated.
Insomuch as that the bar scene remains the most reliable method of
meeting potential mates, an efficient evening of romantic pursuit will
cost you. Thus it is that the economical enthusiast of sex will seek
out those watering holes with a favorable ratio of money spent to
mammals met. Conveniently enough, two such bars may be found in
Brooklyn, the city that never saves.
Spending an evening at
the misleadingly-monikered Union Pool (484 Union Avenue) may very well
be New York's most surefire method of obtaining sex that doesn't
involve Craigslist and crystal meth. Patrons tend to be single and
reasonably attractive. They are also kind enough to come in a wide
variety of models, including hot little female Maoist bass players,
fun-loving European emigres of every stripe and flavor, gay black
fashion designers who buck the trend by hanging out with attractive
straight chicks instead of extraordinarily fat and ugly ones, and, of
course, the inevitable legions of white fellows who have decided that
they would look good in a beard.
The drinks themselves
aren't extraordinarily cheap; wells go for five bucks, for instance,
although you can get two cans of Pabst for the same amount. The real
value of Union Pool lies in the array of strategic advantages that
await those willing to seize them. Outside, for instace, a large patio
area encourages smoking and, consequently, the
asking-your-intended-mate-for-a-lighter-or-cigarette method of
introduction. Several meters of stonemasonry serve as a fire pit in
winter and the Western equivalent of a coy pond throughout summer;
winter, then, allows one to sit in a geometrically advantageous circle,
thereby facilitating eye contact and conversation. A taco truck is
perpetually stationed out back as well; this will not help you.
Meanwhile, the bathroom setup is both friend and foe. Long lines tend
to form on weekend evenings; go a couple doors down to Macri Park, an
inferior bar, and use theirs. Those who do make it into one of Union
Pool's half a dozen private bathrooms will find it to be perfect for
sipping out of a flask on the sly; if you lack a flask, two bottles of
Paul Mason brandy ($2.50 each at most liquor stores) will fit nicely
into the inside pockets of a sports coat. Also, wear a sports coat. If
you're a girl, make a guy with a sports coat buy you a drink. He's
probably rich.
Beauty Bar is a mini-chain of watering holes
that derive their novelty from the offering of manicures on certain
nights of the week. Locations tend to pop up in gentrifying
neighborhoods, with the one near Union Square being a notable
exception. Far superior is the newish Bushwick operation (921
Broadway), which bears the great responsibility of providing a bit of
glamor to those members of the creative class who find themselves
living among the projects. This it does well; as a result, attendees
tend to be in a good mood and thus susceptible to your wiles.
But Bushwick's foremost nightspot provides for a different set of
challenges and advantages than does Union Pool. There's a marked
emphasis on DJs, who themselves tend to put a marked emphasis on music
just loud enough to make shouting necessary; this may be problematic
for those whose charms lay in conversation, while those whose charms
lay in smiling and dancing and maybe nodding their heads a bit to the
crazy beat will be all set. Still, the talkers have their chance,
particularly if the talkers happen to be smokers as well; the scene out
front is so consistently promising that just hanging out near the
doorway makes for a fine evening out in and of itself. And if you don't
smoke yet, consider starting up; cigarettes are delicious.
Drink prices at Beauty Bar are about average, which is too high for us;
consider hitting up the local bodegas ahead of your visit. 24-ounce
cans of Coors ($1 - $1.50) are quite conducive to furtive chugging in
doorways along Broadway, for instance, while some area store
proprietors will let you drink inside as well.
Sorry for the delay on that piece, will have it to you this afternoon; unexpectedly got my first article published on Huffington Post yesterday and had to go take a head shot for it, etc.
1. The third annual Bushwick Film Festival will be held from August 28-30 at Lumenhouse, a popular venue\studio. I could do an advance description or an after-the-fact review if you'd like. Otherwise, it might be a good item to drop into your events listing section.
2. A piece on bars with the best potential mate pick-up to drink value ratio - cheap places that nonetheless bring in lots of attractive single people. Union Pool in Williamsburg would be one example. Other factors to take into account - whether or not it's viable to bring in a flask and be able to take sips on the sly, as well as the smoking situation (whether out front, a little patio in the back) as asking for lights and cigarettes is mankind's most surefire method of sexual conquest.
Okay. Right, we were wondering because pretty much everything shuts down on Friday night, and some stuff doesn't reopen until later on Saturday night, because of the Sabbath.
Sub on Wheels is open from 6 to midnight each evening, as is stated in the article. I can't find any information on what exact year Gottlieb's (I'm assuming that's the one you mean) was established and have no way of getting in contact with the owner while the place is being renovated, so couldn't tell you when renovation will be complete.
I recently did an interview with Brooklyn-based comedian Jamie Kilstein, who recently came back from touring Australia with Janeane Garofalo, as well as his wife Allison Kilkenny, the Huffington Post blogger who also co-hosts a radio show with him (they have Chomsky as a regularly guest). I asked them about politics, comedy, and being a 21st century liberal power couple, plus a few other things. Would you be interested in a piece on the two of them? I can get some more answers out of them if you've got another particular angle you'd like pursued; otherwise, was thinking of doing it as a profile piece with the power couple angle. Let me know what you think.
By all means, any pitches about NY cultureideally with an experiential bentare welcomed. As a side note, we are now AV Club NY, not Decider. (Just like the old days.)
Do you guys have anything you'd like to assign at the moment, or would you like me to send you another idea? Also, are you accepting queries for any other sections aside from dining?
Hi Barrett: I like the article, but I have a couple of questions:
-"Prompted by theological opposition to snacking, old Hasidic men often try to run off the customers; if you've ever wanted to be run off by an old Hasidic man, this is your chance."
Is this true? How do you know this? Is the first part a joke, but the second part true?
-"As was written by Rabbi Zoe Klein [LINK] a few years back, in more or less poetic format:" Was this actually written in this format, or did you add the line breaks?
Thanks, Paul
-- NOTE NEW ADDRESS, NUMBER:
Assistant City Editor The Onion AV Club | Decider.com 900 Broadway New York, NY 10003 (212)-777-3700 x232 pcaine@theonion.com
aim: paulcaine2
-- NOTE NEW ADDRESS, NUMBER:
Assistant City Editor The Onion AV Club | Decider.com 900 Broadway New York, NY 10003 (212)-777-3700 x232 pcaine@theonion.com
aim: paulcaine2
-- NOTE NEW ADDRESS, NUMBER:
Assistant City Editor The Onion AV Club | Decider.com 900 Broadway New York, NY 10003 (212)-777-3700 x232 pcaine@theonion.com
aim: paulcaine2
-- NOTE NEW ADDRESS, NUMBER:
Assistant City Editor The Onion AV Club | Decider.com 900 Broadway New York, NY 10003 (212)-777-3700 x232 pcaine@theonion.com
aim: paulcaine2
-- NOTE NEW ADDRESS, NUMBER:
Assistant City Editor The Onion AV Club | Decider.com 900 Broadway New York, NY 10003 (212)-777-3700 x232 pcaine@theonion.com
aim: paulcaine2
-- NOTE NEW ADDRESS, NUMBER:
Assistant City Editor The Onion AV Club | Decider.com 900 Broadway New York, NY 10003 (212)-777-3700 x232 pcaine@theonion.com
aim: paulcaine2
-- Assistant City Editor The Onion AV Club NY
900 Broadway New York, NY 10003
(212)-777-3700 x232 pcaine@theonion.com
aim: paulcaine2
-- Assistant City Editor The Onion AV Club NY 900 Broadway New York, NY 10003 (212)-777-3700 x232 pcaine@theonion.com
aim: paulcaine2