Re: Tax Form
Subject: Re: Tax Form
From: Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com>
Date: 7/28/09, 21:44
To: Paul Caine <pcaine@theonion.com>

Hi, Paul-

Here's the Williamsburg Hasidic piece; let me know what you think.

Thanks,

Barrett Brown
Brooklyn, NY
512-560-2302

 
    Through the contrivance of some trickster deity - Loki, perhaps - the various ultra-conservative Jewish sects that have ended their wanderings in Williamsburg now find themselves crowded in by youngish hordes of post-modernists with whom they share absolutely no philosophical common ground. This leads to some understandable friction; some of the more easily-agitated Hasidic community leaders have staged actual protests against the intrusion of morally rudderless artist'n, whereas the hipsters themselves continue to insist on behaving as if they lived in the cultural capital of some sort of 21st century pluralistic democracy.

    But skirmishes are few and far between, and freelance design artists are generally more than welcome in Williamsburg's deepest nodes of old-school Jewery, provided that they keep the anti-patriarchal quietism to a minimum. Refrain from engaging in unnecessary displays of lesbianism, for instance, and consider wearing a nice button-down shirt instead of whatever nonsense you were planning to wear. Now you're ready to dine among the Hasidim. Good job.

    The neighborhood surrounding Lee Avenue and Williamsburg has plenty to offer in the way of Jew food. At that very intersection, for instance, you can get some quick knishes and kugel from the Sub on Wheels, which may be found here from 6 pm to midnight each evening. Prompted by theological opposition to snacking, old Hasidic men often try to run off the customers; if you've ever wanted to be run off by an old Hasidic man, this is your chance.

    More likely, you want to sit down and eat, in which case you've got several good options. Grill on Lee (108 Lee Avenue), while bearing the name and exterior of every yuppie-targeted cafe from the '90s on, is a sedate little spot with a couple of tables and a single mysterious Hebraic poster as its only decor. Here may be obtained every variant on the lox and bagle as well as cream of zuchini soup, fried and breaded flounder, salmon salami sandwiches, and dairy-absent cheese cake. Also on hand is tilapia, available in both the fried and grilled varieties; as was written by Rabbi Zoe Klein a few years back in more or less poetic format:

All of a sudden
Everyone is serving tilapia,
Any time that happens in the market,
It is because another
Commercially valued fish species
Has been nearly wiped out,
The stocks depleted

    If that's really the case, Grill on Lee has done a fine job with the fish of last resort. But Rabbi Klein is clearly Reform, and her revisionist liberalism may be disregarded for our purposes.

   The local bakeries are worth checking out, too. These don't offer anything particularly exotic; ingredient ratios aren't determined by reference to gerematria or anything like that, and there are no secret Jewish baked goods on hand, or at any rate they're kept out of view. But everything that a Hasidic bakery does, it seems to do well - that which should be firm is generally firm and that which should be fluffy is usually fluffy. Kaff Bake Shop (73 Lee) offers one of the neighborhood's larger selections, and there are dozens of others to be found nearby.

    There are, however, several traditional Hasidic pastries available at Glaubers (165 Division), which advertises itself as an "appetizing cafe," although it's difficult to tell; a baba ghanoush sandwich obtained therein included almost no baba ghanoush, which is a real problem for a baba ghanoush sandwich. It's very possible that the deli fellow simply forgot to put the stuff on the sandwich. This probably doesn't happen very often and thus shouldn't worry the potential patron. Anyway, the place serves baba ghanoush sandwiches, or attempts to.

    More visibly popular among the local lunchtime crowd is the Old Williamsburg Cafe (45 Lee Avenue), which has existed for over half a century under various menus and monikers. In addition to several sorts of "commercially valued fish species" prepared in reasonably traditional fashion, the cafeteria-style joint offers an improbably with-it range of sushi rolls and a nice little selection of oven-baked pizza to boot.
    
    But the most well-regarded of local haunts among both neighborhood dwellers and visitors alike is the superbly authentic Gottlieb's (352 Roebling), which has been around for some great length of time and which has long been depended upon for such things as fried kishka, chopped liver sandwiches, and spicy goulash. Sadly, the place is undergoing a renovation as of this writing, but will no doubt be up and running by the time you get around to actually checking it out.

    Seriously, though, dress nicely. The Hasidim really have a point on that one.



On Mon, Jul 27, 2009 at 11:30 AM, Paul Caine <pcaine@theonion.com> wrote:
Hi Barrett,

Hope all is well. A couple of things:

-Do you think you could fill out the attached tax form and fax it back to us today? Our fax number is 212-777-3716. Expenses are due today, and we'd love to get you in on this round of payroll. I already have your invoice.

-When do you think you'll have the Hasidic dining piece ready by?

Feel free to call or e-mail if you have any questions.

Thanks,
Paul

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Andy Battaglia <abattaglia@theonion.com>
Date: Wed, Mar 18, 2009 at 12:30 PM
Subject: Tax Form
To: Paul Caine <pcaine@theonion.com>




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