Event Write-Ups
Subject: Event Write-Ups
From: Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com>
Date: 7/27/09, 12:30
To: Michael Hogan <Michael_Hogan@condenast.com>

Howdy-

Would you be interested in humorous summaries of significant political events like press conferences, televised debates, and the like? I used to do live-blogging for the CNET property PoliticalBase.com, and it was one of our most popular features. You're probably not set up to have contributors live-blog, but I could effectively do the same thing by just writing the piece as the event happens and sending it to you immediately. I've pasted an example below to show you what I'm talking about; it's a piece I did on one of the Democratic primary debates last year.

Thanks,

Barrett Brown
Brooklyn, NY
512-560-2302

The moderator may be kind of a control freak. Let's not elect her.

Edwards cited "greed" as a major source of deficit spending. Perhaps he'll chip in a few million to help out.

Richardson wants to "revise and strengthen high school curriculums [sic] with local control," presumably by being elected to all the school boards. One thing at a time, Mr. Vice President.

The moderator pointed out that New Mexico, the state Richardson is governor of, has a pretty bad educational track record. Richardson blamed it on the Indians and the Hispanics. Interesting strategy.

Dodd was asked if he was just running for president because of unresolved daddy issues. He didn't exactly say no. Everyone clapped. Poor Chris Dodd.

The moderator asked everyone how they were planning on funding all their neat programs, seeing as how they cost money and much of ours is currently tied up in Iraq futures. Biden again cited the Defense Department as the place to start tightening up. Obama vowed to close tax loopholes that allow U.S. corporations to hide their stash in the Cayman Islands.

Biden said that Americans want a president who emphasizes "action," then listed some of his accomplishments and recited the lyrics to a church hymn he likes.

The moderator asked about how we ought to handle the Chinese commies. Richardson said he'd be tougher on them with regards to trade and would also ban their crappy toys. Dodd took issue with the characterization of China as a "strategic competitor," instead calling the relationship "adversarial" and noting that the play by a different set of rules that happens to involve slave labor.

Biden was asked why he once described Obama as "clean and articulate" and said something about Indians working at 7-11. Biden noted that all the minorities in his district dig him and clarified that the thing about the Indians was a compliment and that he was just comparing them favorably to Italians, who "used to" start businesses as well. Heh heh. He also got a round of applause from the other candidates.

Obama said that he's cool with Biden.

The moderator asked about how we ought to handle the Chinese commies. Richardson said he'd be tougher on them with regards to trade and would also ban their crappy toys. Dodd took issue with the characterization of China as a "strategic competitor," instead calling the relationship "adversarial" and noting that the play by a different set of rules that happens to involve slave labor.

Obama quoted Martin Luther King. Just once, I'd like to see someone quote Martin Luther. Or maybe Stalin.

CNN is distracting everyone from the debate by putting up a little alert screen to the effect that several baseball players took steroids.

Richardson vowed to address issues affecting "not just people in this country, but also Iowa caucus-goers."

Biden noted in passing that Iowa's stupid ethanol will not solve all of the nation's energy problems, though he put it somewhat more diplomatically.

Edwards was asked how he was going to accomplish his presidential goals when he's always attacking special interests. Edwards responded that his goals are very important.

The moderator asked everyone what they thought about the agricultural bill. Dodd likes it because it encourages "conservation" and "diversity" in crops. Obama attacked farm subsidies and noted that even people in Manhattan are receiving them these days and said he probably would have voted against the proposal and had in fact voted for a subsidy cap that very morning. Biden said he favored the proposal and talked some nonsense about "preserving family farmers" like they're vintage comic books or something, but did acknowledge that the subsidies are nuts. Clinton said that "we do need a new farm bill, and [Senator] Tom Harkin is working like a Trojan to get it done." I think he's working more like a Phoenican.

Richardson was asked about that deal where that one Chinese guy stole a bunch of nuclear secrets on his watch. He thanked the moderator for not bringing up all the other stuff.

Edwards said he'd go back to the traditional use of presidential signing statements instead of issuing fifty of them an hour like a certain someone is in the habit of doing.

The moderator asked everyone about their New Year's Resolutions. My New Year's Resolution last year was not to listen to this kind of crap. Adios, suckers.