Here's that Life Cafe review; let me know if you want it to be a little less wacky, in which case I can remove a couple of parts.

Thanks,

Barrett Brown
Brooklyn, NY
512-560-2302

Life Cafe

When I was about five or six, I was in the habit of speaking to an abandoned house near my grandparents' home in rural Texas, and I was convinced that the house spoke back. I'd pretty much forgotten about this until recently, when I further confirmed my psychic affinity with buildings by way of an accident involving Life Cafe NINE83, the popular bar and grill on Flushing. I would notice that every time I walked by the place, I would suddenly feel very irritated, even angry. "Fucking Life Cafe," I would mutter aloud. "Fuck you, restaurant."

Clearly, there was something wrong with this place, yet no one else seemed to realize it. You look through the window, and everyone inside is cheerful. The people leaving are mounting their bikes cheerfully, cheerfully departing to some cheery destination. "The fools!" I would think, or mutter aloud, or perhaps both. "Don't they know?"

But I didn't know myself, and was never able to pin down the terrible truth. There was nothing you could really point to and say, "This is what's wrong with Life Cafe." It was, after all, a neighborhood staple, and neighborhood staples don't become neighborhood staples by accident. The menu was as admirable as menus get around these parts, offering a pretty solid array of things that a customer might want to eat at any given time, which is a pretty reasonable thing for a menu to offer. There is meatloaf served with garlic mashed potatoes and covered in mushroom gravy; there are fajitas of various sorts, made with chipotle-orange marinade; there are burgers, quesadillas, nachos, soups, salads, and sandwiches of every stripe and flavor. It's a menu that would be described as "New American" or "Comfort Food" by most any restaurant critic in the country, fairly indistinguishable from menus you'll find in any restaurant catering to creative class enclaves in Austin, Eugene, or Portland. And there's something to be said for that.

The most visible drawback to Life is economic. In the midst of a recession, and at a point at which world food prices have declined back to their normal levels after a steep rise which provided for understandable increases in restaurant rates across the globe, Life Cafe is still selling burgers in Bushwick for $9.25. Clearly, some people are able and willing to buy such burgers, and my best wishes to them and to Life Cafe as well. But I've been to five-star hotels that don't charge over nine bucks for a damned burger, and I can assure you, Gentle Reader, that Life is not offering anything in the burger department that warrants nine dollars in the midst of a global financial meltdown. The world could, in fact, be existing in some utopian state of maximum economic efficiency with nearly unlimited capital and and full employment and underwater kelp farms and sub-orbital fusion reactors and a resurgence in online advertising rates to boot, and these burgers still wouldn't warrant nine of your easily-earned dollars, even if they do come with fries, which they do. By comparison, the most consistently award-winning burgers in Dallas - those of Burger House - go for a little under three bucks. And these are sold in a neighborhood that is itself one of the highest concentrations of wealth in the United States. The astute Reader will observe that we, by comparison, do not live amidst one of the highest concentrations of wealth in the United States. And yet here are these nine dollar burgers (with fries, I admit again).

But I'm cheap, and also have this aforementioned psychic revulsion to the place and am perhaps being unfair as a result, so I decided to talk to a friend of mine who digs Life and ask him if he has any objections. To follow is a partial transcript of the worst interview ever conducted (and done via Gmail, to boot):

Me: I'm writing a review of Life Cafe for BushwickBk

and need your input

is there a particularly disappointing dish over there?

Misguided Guy Who Loves Life Cafe: hmmm - well... so far i really like everything i've had there - it's reasonably priced

i would say the wait is the worst part of the experience and the cost of pitchers of beer

food delivery is sometimes late

but the food is really good - everything i've had i like

There are several things to note here. First, my friend actually writes out "hmmm." Second, the points involving the wait and slow delivery are criticisms I've heard from other Life regulars and may thus probably be seen as consistent problems. Same with the price of pitchers - and despite the presence of two dollar Pabsts, other such things as Corona go for $5, which is really a bit much. But with regards to "the food" being "really good," it must be noted that the fellow in question often eats tuna fish straight out of a can and is happy to do so. You're really better off listening to me than him, even taking into account my prejudices.

EPILOGUE: LIFE AND DEATH

"Well, there you have it," I thought to myself, finishing up the piece on Life Cafe. "The place is okay, and the food is alright, but it's really a bit pricey, and it takes a little longer than it should. Basically, it's overrated. That's probably what was getting to me when I walked by there. I'm not psychic at all; I could just tell that it's not good enough to be that popular. No big deal." But something compelled me to go back to Life Cafe's website. "I should fact-check a bit, I guess. Surely they're not charging five dollars for a Corona. I must be remembering it wrong." But I didn't click on the "Menu" button. I clicked on another button, taking me to a page that gave an account of Life Cafe's history.

The first of Life's two locations was founded by a couple who moved to the East Village back in the early '80s, I learned. It was, in fact, an "East Village institution." Furthermore, it actually served as the setting for a scene in Rent. "Well," I thought, "that's kind of irritating, but whatever."

I read on. And then I came across this sentence:

"Street life on the Lower East Side was dangerous, rough and drug-ridden; it was about survival and the street had its own rules."

They found me the next morning; I was on the floor next to my desk, my eyes rolled back into my head and foam dripping down the edges of my mouth. And every few seconds, they later told me, I was muttering the same thing, over and over again.

"The street had its own rules... zomg lol... the street had its own rules... zomg lol..."

And now I know why I hate Life Cafe.

Life Cafe
983 Flushing Avenue | 718-386-1133
$8 - $20
Mon - Fri 11 am - 4 pm
Sat - Sun 10 am - 4 pm
Delivery Available

On Wed, Apr 29, 2009 at 6:08 PM, BushwickBK.com <write@bushwickbk.com> wrote:

Don't be afraid to hit em where they suck. They are so solidly disappointing on so many fronts.

On Wed, Apr 29, 2009 at 6:08 PM, BushwickBK.com <write@bushwickbk.com> wrote:

Awesome, thanks man.

On Wed, Apr 29, 2009 at 1:58 PM, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:

Okay, I'll get a review of Life to you later this week, then I'll do those two others a bit later on.

Thanks,

Barrett Brown
Brooklyn, NY
512-560-2302

On Wed, Apr 29, 2009 at 11:52 AM, BushwickBK.com <write@bushwickbk.com> wrote:

Hey Barrett, this is pretty great. However, I'm thinking since we don't have a review of Life yet (I know!) that should be done first before talking about it so heavily here. So if you want to do that, it's cool. You have a great style.

Also, at the end of reviews, include this info:

Name of business (linked to site)
Address | phone
Price range
Hours
Delivery Y/N

--J

On Wed, Apr 29, 2009 at 11:12 AM, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:

Jeremy-

Here's the first of those three pieces you approved earlier this month. Sorry about the delay, I've been unusually busy. Let me know if this piece works for you and if so I'll go ahead and write up the other two.

Thanks,

Barrett Brown

Brooklyn, NY

512-560-2302

Wreck Room

We haven't quite reached the point at which someone would make a Thursday evening proposal to "go to Flushing Avenue" in the same sense that one might propose to his or her friends that they "go to Bedford;" the portion of Flushing that runs through Bushwick is still flanked mostly by vacant warehouses, tortilla factories, and import/export firms that are either out of business or doing very well (it's hard to tell with import/export firms). But the little stretch between Evergreen and Bogart shows promise. On one side, we find Life Cafe NINE83, the second incarnation of the original Life Cafe in the East Village. On the other, we find Wreck Room, a fine little bar that is perhaps best thought of as Life Cafe's evil twin.

Whereas Life gives off a suitably wholesome vibe - perky people dining with friends, consuming food first and drinking only as an afterthought - Wreck Room is a drinking person's bar, darker and more fun than its competitor across the street. Life is the place where you order a ten dollar salmon burger when money is reliable and you're on a protein kick because you've been working out; Wreck Room is the place where you borrow a few bucks from a friend because you blew all your money on salmon burgers at Life, or would have if you hadn't blown all of your money at Wreck Room first.

Your friend won't have to lend you much; pricing is one of Wreck Room's great charms, with the beer in particular being as cheap as you'll find in any bar above the equator. From six to ten, one may partake of a Tecate or some other such fine thing for a scant two bucks; better yet, you can order one of several drink combo deals of the Tecate-and-Sauza variety for five. Chief among resident bargains, though, is the Genny-and-Beam special comprised of a Genesee Cream Ale alongside a shot of Jim Beam, priced at only four dollars and thereby economically comparable to drinking bodega-bought beer on one's porch.

But it's easy to overstate the joint's dive-esque attributes, as I've been doing for three paragraphs. Wreck Room is a cheerful place in its own way, often very much so, and the bar offers a range of nifty activities aside from borrowing money from friends. Bartenders lead weekly games of bingo and other such improbable things, for instance, and it's also one of the few spots in the area with pool tables. When it's on, the TV hanging above the bar itself is generally tuned to either The Simpsons or some appropriately bizarre film like Dune (Sunday evenings are officially given over to viewings of Adult Swim, which would have been a nice feature several years ago when Adult Swim was good). For the most part, music is care of a bartender's laptop hooked up to the stereo, though weekend nights bring in local DJs and the occasional live band with an apparent emphasis on punk, which apparently still exists.

Though Wreck Room doesn't look like the sort of place that would sport a nuanced food menu or any food menu, the edible offerings include all of the things you'd expect to find (fried pickles) along with plenty of things that you wouldn't (Korean sandwiches). Even the more mundane items are generally served with flair; popcorn shrimp comes served with thai chili lime sauce, for instance, and the BBQ ribs are made with guava. Wreck Room, like Bushwick, is filled with such pleasant surprises.

On Thu, Apr 2, 2009 at 4:39 PM, BushwickBK.com <write@bushwickbk.com> wrote:

Hey Barrett, yeah I'd like something on those bars, but as separate pieces and most definitely not geared toward outsiders coming to Bushwick, rather toward the residents of Bushwick.

Fat Albert's = yes! I have never been inside but that place is fascinating. For example, how all the awning signs say Fad Albert's and they couldn't give enough of a shit to send them back for correction!

As for "beats," I'd be very impressed if you came up with community news stories. The idea is to gear the site more toward being a newspaper. We can talkmore about that -- for now I'd liek to see what kind of pieces you can turn out. It's not a lot but I'm currently paying $20-$30 for most pieces. Something magazine-quality would obv get more.

--J

On Thu, Apr 2, 2009 at 12:16 PM, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:

Hi, Jeremy-

This is Barrett Brown; we met at the Bushwick BK meeting last month. I'm ready to start contributing, and was wondering if you'd be interested in a piece on King's County (the bar on Siegel) and Wreck Room (on Flushing), theme being places to grab a drink when leaving/arriving at the Morgan stop. Also, would you be interested in a piece on the joys of shopping at Fat Albert's, the wacky department store on Flushing and Broadway? Let me know if you need more details.

Also, what sort of beats are you still looking for people to cover, and what are your primary content needs in general?

Thanks,

Barrett Brown
Brooklyn, NY
512-560-2302