| Subject: Experienced Humor Writer |
| From: Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> |
| Date: 4/22/09, 10:50 |
| To: gigs-xpgsh-1133351800@craigslist.org |
Copyright Infringement Suites
Open on News & Views with Hoofy and Boo Already in Progress
Boo: ... detectives familiar with the case are working under the assumption that the CEO saw his own reflection in a clear pond, fell in love, and attempted to embrace himself, at which point he fell in and drowned.
Hoofy: So, any word on who's going to run Apple now?
Boo: Not yet, but we'll keep our viewers posted.
Hoofy: In other news, search engine giants Google and Yahoo are being sued in federal court by a man who claims to be a member of both the Gogo and Yao tribes of East Africa. The Tanzanian national asserts that the two internet firms stole their respective names from his tribal forebears, and he's now asking for $10,000 in restitution for each member of both tribes.
Boo: Wow.
Hoofy: Though the case is widely expected to be thrown out of court, it raises the possibility of other nuisance lawsuits along similar lines.
Boo: Definitely have to keep an eye on that. We'll be right back.
Producer: And... cut to commercial!
Lights down
Hoofy: Happens all the time.
Boo: What?
Hoofy: Oh, these ridiculous little copyright infringement cases. In fact, just the other week, former drug kingpin Manuel Noriega sued Coca-Cola for using the term coca in its name.
Boo: No, he didn't.
Hoofy: He absolutely did. And then a pineapple sued Noriega for looking like a pineapple.
Boo: Hoofy.
Hoofy: And then you've got Captain Morgan suing Captain Crunch who's suing Captain Kirk who's suing Captain America who's suing the United States of America...
Boo: Come on.
Hoofy: ... federal government for having injected him with super-soldier serum without first getting the drug approved by the FDA.
Boo: Okay, very good.
Hoofy: Seems there were some... side effects. (Glances down, looks up, nods).
Boo: That's really unnecessary.
Hoofy: Plus, Virgin is suing Steve Forbes.
Boo: Wha- okay, that's just mean. Steve Forbes has been married for-
Hoofy: And, of course, Donald Trump is suing Mark Cuban.
Boo: I don't... okay, I don't get it, their names aren't even similar.
Hoofy: I know. Trump's just an (beep)-hole.
Boo: Are you done?
Hoofy: No, no. Then you've got... (looks up, thinking)... yeah, I'm done.
Boo: Great.
Producer: On in ten!
(pause)
Boo: So... you want to get something to eat later?
Hoofy: Sure, how about Chinese? I know a place around here.
Boo: The food's not actually from China, is it?
Hoofy: No, no, no.
Boo: I'm in.
Producer: Two, one!
(lights up)
Boo: Welcome back. Uh... I totally forgot what I was going to say.
Hoofy: (whispers) Chinese food.
Boo: Ah, yes. Hoofy and I are gonna get some Chinese later. More on the situation as damn it, Hoofy!
Hoofy: To sum up - buy low, sell high. Goodnight, everyone.
***
Episode: The Secret's Secret
Boo: Hello, and thanks for tuning in. A year after its initial release, the runaway bestseller The Secret is still generating buzz among those book buyers willing to buy in to the book' premise, which holds that by simply thinking positive thoughts, a person can compel the universe to fulfill his or her every desire. Of course, this concept has also generated quite a bit of criticism. Writing in the pages of Forbes last month, Skeptic Society founder Michael Shermer warned businessmen against taking the claims made in The Secret too seriously, asserting that the book's concept is based on a severe misinterpretation of established scientific principles.
Hoofy: And as one might expect, the book's dramatic success has inspired plenty of copycats - including my own, which is set to appear at book retailers nationwide later this week.
(pause)
Boo: No way.
Hoofy: See, that's your problem, Boo you're a naysayer! If you want to tap into the riches of the cosmos, you've got to think positively. And that's what my new book is all about!
Boo: Hoofy, you don't really buy into this stuff.
Hoofy: Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Who's to say? The universe is a mysterious place, dust in the wind, Age of Aquarius, baby let your hair grow long, and etcetera. But one thing is certain my new book, entitled Magic or Something...
(graphic comes up of book cover: Magic or Something, with Hoofy on the cover in exuberant pose with stupid look on his face and hands in the air like he's going to cast a spell)
Hoofy (cont'd): ... can help you achieve your wildest dreams without undue reference to such traditional barometers of success as effort, or results.
Boo: So... you think you can compete in the mystical self-help industry, huh?
Hoofy: I don't see why not. I took that Pilates course.
Boo: Well, for instance, are you prepared to make a bunch of ridiculous claims? Because the authors of The Secret are always telling interviewers that the methods laid out in their book are the very same that have been successfully applied by dozens of successful historical figures. You think you can top them on that?
Hoofy: No problem.
Boo: Okay, let's see... (looking at copy of The Secret)... the authors of The Secret claim that Aristotle utilized their teachings.
Hoofy: Well, Dear Abby utilized mine.
Boo: They also claim Martin Luther King.
Hoofy: I claim Don King.
Boo: Ludwig Van Beethoven?
Hoofy: Neil Diamond.
Boo: I like Neil Diamond.
Hoofy: Me too, I don't care what anyone says. Who else?
Boo: Okay... Henry Ford.
Hoofy: Billy Wayne Honda.
Boo: There's no such person, Hoofy.
Hoofy: Whatever.
Boo: Okay... can you top Winston Churchill?
Hoofy: Clement Atlee.
Boo: Who?
Hoofy: I mean, uh, Hitler.
Boo: Hitler lost the war, Hoofy.
Hoofy: Or did he?
Boo: Uh, I thought he did.
Hoofy: Or did you?
Boo: I... uh... okay, now I'm confused.
Hoofy: Good. You're now more receptive to the magical forces all around us!
Boo: Knock it off, Hoofy.
Hoofy: Sorry.
Boo: Okay, I've got to admit, you've got some big names there. But The Secret has all these testimonials by people who claim to have used its teachings to make money, advance in business, restore their health, that kind of thing. Do you have any testimonials for Magic or Something?
Hoofy: Absolutely. Check this out.
(Hoofy clicks on speaker phone dial tone, followed by speed dial and one ring, click indicates phone's been answered)
Hoofy: Hello, is this Billy Wayne Honda?
Boo: Oh, come on.
Billy Wayne Honda: (exaggerated Waspy accent) Yessss, this is Billy Wayne Honda Essssquire. How may I help you?
Hoofy: Billy, to what do you owe your success?
Billy Wayne Honda: Hoofy, I owe everything I have to your book Magic or Something.
Boo: So, uh, what do you have, Billy Wayne Honda?
Billy Wayne Honda: I have this accent.
Boo: Pardon me?
Billy Wayne Honda: I won't lie to you, old bean I'm an absolute redneck. But thanks to the revelations laid out in Magic or Something, my speech is now somewhat more.... refiiiiined.
Boo: But aren't you just purposefully talking in a different voice?
Billy Wanye Honda: (suddenly in hick accent) Well, yeah, but twas Hoofy's book done gave me the courage to do it, by Jackson!
Hoofy: See, Boo? You take care now, Billy.
Billy Wayne Honda: (wasp accent again) Mmmmmm, yesssss.
Hoofy: So, Boo? What do you think of my book now?
Boo: I think you've got a hit on your hands.
Hoofy: Damn right. And every copy comes with a coupon redeemable for another, more accurate book!
Boo: See, that's what they should have done with the Clarence Thomas biography.
Hoofy: Good night, everyone.
Billy Wayne Honda: Mmmmm, goodnight!