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I understand that you're looking for political humorists to compose content for your new outlet, and I'd like to be considered for the gig. I'm a full-time freelancer whose work has appeared in Vanity Fair, Skeptic, National Lampoon, McSweeney's, The Onion A.V. Club, Jest, and dozens of other publications. I've also served as a paid blogger for several outlets, a contract TV writer, and a freelance marketing copywriter. My first book, Flock of Dodos: Behind Modern Creationism, Intelligent Design, and the Easter Bunny, was released in 2007 to praise from Alan Dershowitz, Rolling Stone, Air America Radio, and other sources.

I've pasted two samples below, both from Vanity Fair; please let me know if you'd like to discuss this further.

Thanks,

Barrett Brown
Brooklyn, NY
512-560-2302


The Best Political Clips You Probably Haven't Seen



Studying history is very much akin to having a giant inbox that keeps filling up with new material faster than one can keep up with it; the problem is that things simply won't stop happening. Just the other day, for instance, there was a bit of a happening when the inexplicably prominent Glenn Beck dedicated some large portion of his newish Fox show to pointing out that the United States is heading down the road to fascism <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTzCdY6SqDQ> , helpfully illustrating his point with old footage of Nazis marching around like Nazis. Beck did soften the blow by describing our nascent brand of fascism as being of the “non-violent” sort – “or, to put it another way, they're marching us towards Nineteen Eighty-Four – Big Brother!” Of course, Orwell's imagined totalitarian government was not “non-violent” at all and in fact depended very much on perpetual warfare and unaccountable torture (ahem). But in Beck's defense, he's probably never read the book. Perhaps “defense” is the wrong word.



The point, though, is that each time something wacky is recorded in the political sphere these days, we risk losing sight of what's really important: wacky things that were recorded in the political sphere decades ago. The political wackiness of yesteryear is less depressing insomuch as that it does not directly reflect on our nation's current decline, as today's nonsense does; on the contrary, it may help to remind us that things have always looked terrible, at least in the eyes of about half of the nation at any given time.



Thus it is that I have helpfully compiled the following set of ten interesting and moderately amusing YouTube clips depicting the political life of yesteryear.



Dole on Something-or-Other <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6G9AePwl1AE>



While Gerald Ford was busy being Gerald Ford, 1976 vice presidential hopeful Bob Dole was busy being Bob Dole, which is not a particularly good thing for a vice presidential hopeful to be. Asked about his earlier condemnation of Nixon's Watergate pardon in light of his current status as potential number-two man to the fellow who gave the pardon in the first place, Dole retorts that, although this was “an appropriate topic,” it was not “a very good issue.” He then helpfully notes that World War I, World War II, and the conflicts in Korea and Vietnam had all been “Democrat wars” which had left many Americans killed or wounded. So, there you go.



Nixon on Bohemian Grove, San Francisco, and the Homos To Be Found Therein <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPb-PN9F2Pc>



In one of the more colorful of the secret audio tape excerpts to have emerged in subsequent years, Nixon waxes homophobic on San Francisco's relatively gay-laden upper class before segueing into a short lecture on  Bohemian Grove, an invitation-only outdoor extravaganza that plays host each year to an all-male guest list of presidents, defense contractors, and Rockefeller hangers-on. For his part, Nixon describes it as “the most faggy goddamn thing you can imagine.” And although Nixon's imagination in this regard is probably limited, he's not entirely alone in his assessment; Bill Clinton once described the California club gatherings as being “where all those rich Republicans go up and stand naked against the redwood trees,” while David Gergen made a remark of similar substance to The Washington Times in the early '90s.



Lyndon LaRouche Blasts Mondale and His Nefarious Paymasters <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aG6MUBAkFQg>



Like those youngish supporters of his to whom I once unwisely provided my phone number out of curiosity, “independent Democrat” Lydon LaRouche is incapable of uttering even a couple of sentences without saying something confusing; this is a movement of people who hold strong opinions on the allegedly negative sociological impact of composer Sergei Rachmaninoff's later symphonies. Veteran skimmers of LaRouchian pamphlets will not be surprised, then, to see the big man himself announce that Walter Mondale is not only “a KGB agent in the ordinary sense,” but also owned in part by “the grain cartel interests,” which is certainly a strange thing by which to be owned, even if only in part.



Americans Turn to George Wallace <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RZ4G251WR4&feature=related>



The general thrust of this George Wallace presidential campaign ad from 1968 is that if you fail to vote for the Alabama governor, someone is likely to throw a firebomb through the window of the discount television store that you just opened. From the context, that particular someone may be presumed to be a rioting Negro or some such and not Wallace himself, angrily retaliating against those who opposed his pro-segregation presidential bid. The ad also notes that your school-aged children are in danger of being “bussed across town” to be educated alongside black children, where they will perhaps learn to make their own firebombs. And thus the circle of life is complete.



Nixon on the Espionage Capabilities of Jews <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_z8DjpOo4Y&feature=related>



When Mark Felt was identified as Deep Throat in 2005, former Nixon speech writer Ben Stein was very angry indeed <http://spectator.org/archives/2005/06/03/i-dont-feel-for-felt> , comparing the aging Watergate informant's face to that of “one of those old Nazi war criminals” and wondering aloud how Felt - whom Stein believes to be “at least part Jewish” - could have betrayed his fellow Jews by turning against a president who was concurrently “saving Eretz Israel” and otherwise providing “salvation” to the Jewish people as a whole. It's hard to disagree with Stein's reasoning as one listens to the former president compliment the Hebrews with such lack of reservation, noting that “Jews are born spies” due in part to the “strange malignancy” and “arrogance” that he's observed in that particular tribe. Nixon then goes on to worry aloud over how ashamed Kissinger must feel over the general perfidy of his Jewish brethren, which is also quite touching. Ah, Ben Stein.



Reagan On “What's My Line?” <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5D6RnMbfHI>



This cannot be described.



Prescott Bush Turns on the Charm, Such As It Is <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8pFS0P8i38>



Here lies a rare look at the first political notable of the Bush clan as well as an early specimen of the public affairs program. For his part, the senator comes off as rather articulate for a fellow who appears to have been drinking, though he lacks the genial charm of his most prominent grandson and even of his most prominent son. Had he been an actor and not a politician, he would have almost certainly be typecast as someone whose nefarious plans are foiled towards the end of the film. This isn't so much a criticism of Bush as it is of Hollywood movies of the time, which, as people often forget, were generally pretty bad.



William Buckley and Gore Vidal Hold Pompous Asshole Contest <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AzjZrtqCIw&feature=related%20>



Though the two are better known for their earlier ABC debate in which Vidal called Buckley a "crypto-Nazi" and Buckley called Vidal a "queer," this later segment in which the two pundits are wisely kept in seperate rooms is somewhat more representative of their respective approaches to rhetoric. Here, both are at the top of their craft to the extent that pretentiousness can be considered a craft, but Buckley manages to steal the show with his extended quotation of some very surreal "hippie play." The clip ends with an unusually well-produced Pepsi commercial in which it is announced that the soft drink will give you "zap."



Nixon Campaign Makes What May Well Have Been an Effective Ad by the Standards of 1972 <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qZfN7cdm_M>



This conservative bid for the youth vote makes liberal use of still shots depicting youngsters that are hip enough to perhaps convince other youngsters that Nixon is far out and whatnot but not so hip that they might be actual hippies. The accompanying song, like every songs that accompanied anything in the early '70s, is terrible and ought never to have been written.



Nixon Plays His Piano Concerto <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCsGSMze_6Q>



Look, I just think that Nixon is an interesting guy.

***



I don't ask a lot favors of the American citizenry and rarely even hit it up for money, but I was thinking that it might be kind of neat if everyone could stop pretending that New York Times columnist and best-selling author Thomas Friedman deserves to be either of those things.



But let us start from the beginning, by which I mean nine years ago.



In October of 2000, Friedman decided that the Chinese regime would soon find itself threatened by a major unemployment crisis caused by an influx of American wheat and sugar into that country <http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9400E6DC1E31F934A15753C1A9669C8B63> . In fact, American wheat and sugar failed to make any inroads at all, while Chinese unemployment promptly began to fall and remained at low levels for a period of seven years.



After catching soon-to-be Secretary of State Colin Powell on TV in December of 2000, a clearly impressed Friedman related to his readers that “it was impossible to imagine Mr. Bush ever challenging or overruling Mr. Powell on any issue,” <http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9E07E4DA1239F93AA25751C1A9669C8B63&n=Top/Reference/Times%20Topics/People/B/Bush,%20George%20W.> that Powell “can never be fired,” and that “Mr. Bush can never allow him to resign in protest over anything.” Five years later, Powell was out via forced resignation after having been consistently challenged and overruled by Bush, who must have missed Friedman's column.



In 2001, Friedman advised the American citizenry to “keep rootin' for Putin,” <http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9802EFD61F3EF930A15751C1A9679C8B63&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=all> hailing the KGB veteran as “Russia's Deng Xiaoping” and a strong force for reform. Later announcing in his most awkward prose that “I have a 'Tilt Theory of History',” Friedman in 2004 called Russia “a huge nation” (this part checks out) “that was tilted in the wrong direction and is now tilted in the right direction” with regards to free speech, the rule of law, and the like. By 2007, Friedman had finally gotten around to noticing that Russia cannot even properly be termed a democracy and promptly wrote a column to this effect in order to, like, warn everyone.



Then, a month into the Afghanistan conflict, Friedman complained that “the hand-wringing has already begun over how long this might last” and advised readers to “take a deep breath,” <http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9800E3D81130F931A35752C1A9679C8B63> noting that Afghanistan is “far away.” Besides, Friedman had “no doubt, for now, that the Bush team has a military strategy for winning a long war.” A month later, he noted in passing that “America has won the war in Afghanistan” <http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9E06E2D8133BF930A15752C0A9649C8B63> and that “the Taliban are gone,” though he did express some concern about “all the nonsense written in the press about the concern for 'civilian casualties',” <http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9F06EFDF153AF930A15752C1A9679C8B63> a term he took to using with scare quotes. Seven years later, civilian casualties remain a major item of concern for Afghanis in the non-won war against the non-gone Taliban.



In 2005, Friedman explained that it was necessary for Democrats “to start thinking seriously about Iraq” lest the party “become unimportant.” <http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9D02EED8163AF933A25751C0A9639C8B63> Though Democrats never got around to agreeing with Friedman on what seriousness entails, they did manage to take control of both chambers of Congress the following year, ushering in a period of nearly unprecedented political dominance that continues to this day, which strikes me as a pretty important thing to do.



Now, bearing all of this in mind, wouldn't it be swell if we as a society could come together and finally proclaim, in unison and beautiful harmony, that Thomas Friedman has no idea what he's talking about? And then maybe we could key his car or some such. This is a time for bold moves.

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