| Subject: Santopadre sent me |
| From: Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> |
| Date: 3/24/09, 20:09 |
| To: joe.raiola@madmagazine.com |
A Guide to Gainful Employment
by Barrett Brown
These
days, what with the recession and whatnot, blah blah blah. Go get a job.
Finding a Job
Check the want ads in your local newspaper for jobs editing the want ads section in your local newspaper.
Don't apply for that job listing you keep seeing on Craigslist about making $40,000-$60,000 a week from home. Wealth can change people.
The Application Process
Fib a bit on your resume. If you are asked to come in for an interview, confess to your dishonest behavior and break down in tears in front of the prospective employer. This will help to break the ice. Another good option is to ask the interviewer if he or she is a fan of a local sports franchise.
Although many job applicants are reluctant to bring up matters of salary during an interview, the subject is best dealt with immediately. Make sure that your potential employer understands that you require payment in gold or some other hard currency in order that you might better escape the attentions of certain "factions within the so-called American government." Repeat this six or seven times during the interview for emphasis.
Appearance is important. Dress up in bright apparel decorated with images of beloved cartoon characters like Tweety Bird and the Tasmanian Devil. Or, if there was ever a cartoon with "baby" versions of the characters of in question, such as perhaps a Baby Tasmanian Devil or some such, try to wear something with that on it.
During the interview, pretend that your cell phone is ringing, ask for the employer to excuse you for a moment, and pretend to engage in a very important conversation with someone on the other end. Here are some things you can say:
"Tell the Duchess that I'll have no dealings with such adventurers as Terentio de Monte Albano Royalton."
"I shan't be home for dinner this evening."
"I shan't attend the Limousine Festival because I'll be busy eating dinner at home this evening."
"Prepare the cutlery and the wine for the dinner that we shan't not be having this evening."
"Ensure that a chilled bottle of Zima awaits me in the cloakroom at home this evening."
"For king and country!"
There are also other things that you could probably say.
Settling In
When you arrive at work, explain to your co-workers that this is not your real job, and that you are actually an artist. They will admire you for your honesty.
Try to get your boss to give you a pager so you can wear it to Chili's when you go have lunch with all of your little co-workers. Nice pager, bro.