Barrett-

Thanks for your interest and your bits.  They are OK but not exactly the direction I want to go… mummies, witches, werewolves!!!  If you could send some more samples, that would be great. I have gotten a ton of responses as you could imagine. I do love sarcasm, making fun of myself, crazy situations… I could give you more ideas as well.  I would love to do bits more on everyday type situations. Just making fun of regular stuff, if that makes sense. Feel free to send me as many samples as possible. I would never use any of your material unless we have a deal! Thanks so much.

Dave

 

 

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Dr. David Madow

The Madow Brothers – we are the “Love Dentistry” Guys

1-888-88-MADOW

www.madow.com

 

 

Oops, sorry. Here it is for real this time:

When I was a kid, my uncle came over for Christmas one year and gave me a scratch-off lottery ticket. Basically, he had given me a probability whereby I might receive a Christmas gift.

 

Look, I need to make a confession, because I feel really bad about something. I just made that whole thing up, about my uncle giving me a lottery ticket for Christmas. That never happened. I don't know why I said it did. I don't even have an uncle. I guess I'm just a liar. Worse, I'm a thief, too. I used to steal lottery tickets from my uncle all the time when I was a kid.

 

You know those old movies where some British explorer is exploring a pyramid or some such and then he open a sarcophagus with a mummy in it, and then the mummy gets out and starts chasing the explorer with his hands outstretched like this, you know? What is the mummy going to do if he catches the explorer? What is the mummy's motivation? Frankly, I can't imagine that a mummy would have any motivation whatsoever. And why would you run away from a mummy? He's been rotting. That doesn't make you stronger. Frankly, I'm beginning to think that some of these movies are made up.

 

You want to know something really sad? Every time we discover a new mummy, it becomes that much less likely that we're going to find another one. At this point, we're probably not going to find any more mummies, so you're just going to have to learn to enjoy the mummies you already have.

 

There was a poll that Time magazine did a few years back which revealed that twenty percent of Americans believe in witches. Twenty percent. Isn't that great? I really admire those people. Think how exciting that must be, to believe that witches are running around and casting spells on things. I could really use some excitement in my life. So I've decided to believe in werewolves. Making yourself believe in werewolves is a time-consuming process. You have to spend a lot of time looking at pictures of hairy people. I've been trying to get a picture of Robin Williams with his shirt off, for instance. I'm probably the only person who can say that.

 

Oh, just a quick announcement before I forget - if anyone is interested in buying some stolen lottery tickets, please come see me after the show.

 

Anyway, who wants to see me do some impressions? I like to do impressions, but I like to do them wrong. I don't like to feel constrained by convention. So I just do them how I want to do them. For instance, this whole time I've been talking,

I've actually been doing an impression of Sean Connery. Did you catch that? And during the parts when I wasn't actually being funny, I was doing Carlos Mencia. Now I'm going to do Arnold Schwarzenegger. (In robot voice) "LOOK AT ME, I'M ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER! I'M A BIG ROBOT, BEEP, BEEP, MALFUNCTION EARTH HUMANOID!" And here's Liz Taylor (in Mr. T voice) "I PITY THE FOOL THAT DOESN'T BUY ME SOME FUCKING DIAMONDS AND TAKE ME OUT TO EAT AT SOME FANCY RESTAURANT OUT IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA OR PARIS OR SOMEWHERE LIKE THAT! I'M HUNGRY FOR SOME CAKE, SUCKA!"

 

Oh my god, is that a werewolf back there? No, way in the back there... okay, I guess it's not. Well, you never know, do you?

 

Did you know that in Japanese culture, cats are considered symbols of sexuality? Never, ever go to Japan. Ever. Not even a little bit.