| Subject: Re: Project for You |
| From: Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> |
| Date: 3/23/09, 10:16 |
| To: Karen Lancaster <lancaster.karen@gmail.com> |
Ha!My favorites are:Science of SleepHouse BunnyPulseCrankCrocodile Dundee in Los AngelesWhat's this for? You're good at this! I loved that one you did years ago, taking off on magazine cover captions.---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com>
Date: Sun, Mar 22, 2009 at 4:42 PM
Subject: Project for You
To: Karen Lancaster <lancaster.karen@gmail.com>
Got an assignment for you; go through these and tell me which are the four or five funniest:
Snakes on a Plane
My Summary: Samuel L. Jackson is forced to contend with a plane full of snakes.
Movieguide: Very strong and scary action violence with blood
Me: Action violence is my favorite kind of violence, so this doesnt really bother me.
Movieguide: snake bites womans naked breast, implied snake bite on mans penis and camera reverses viewpoint to show man grasping snakes head on his crotch, snake bites woman in the eye, snakes bite arms and necks and faces and other parts of peoples bodies, man impaled, body sucked out of plane, large snake constricts man and starts swallowing his head, people chop or stab snakes, man bitten by snakes in airplane lavatory smashes the back of his skull against the wall as he convulses during snake attacks, gruesome snake bites and swollen dead bodies from snake bites, man tasers snakes, mans shoots a couple snakes, people bat snakes away with luggage and laptops, snakes threaten baby, dog and two young boys, poisonous snake crawls into womans clothes, snakebite on boys swollen arm cut open and venom oozes out before woman sucks out the poison
Me: Let that be a lesson to the Snake Handlers.
Movieguide: Passionate kissing
Me: .
Movieguide: effeminate male flight attendant has hot and sexy girlfriend
Me: Is this not the ultimate goal of the Christian ex-gay movement?
Movieguide: a couple [sic] plane passengers are rude to other passengers
Me: Okay, I think were done here.
Flyboy
My Summary: A bunch of American pilots do battle with the Krauts in the early days of World War I.
MovieGuide: Very strong moral worldview about brave American pilots during World War I includes a heroic protagonist who becomes a very moral character as the movie progresses, with very strong pro-American content though one black character says the French have treated him better than his own country.
Me: Apparently its now un-Christian to point out the rather uncontroversial fact that early 20th century blacks had it better in Paris than, say, Alabama.
MovieGuide: All the actors do a crackerjack job.
Me: Thanks, Harry Truman.
Science of Sleep
My Summary: Some sort of goofy French romantic comedy. Im opposed to it already.
MovieGuide: light comic violence includes man falls [sic] out of bed
Me: I wouldnt want my kid thinking that falling out of ones bed is some sort of acceptable alternative lifestyle, either. Im glad I consulted MovieGuide.
House Bunny
My Summary: A comedy about Playboy bunnies who live in the Playboy mansion with a playboy.
Ted Bauer says: Very strong Romantic worldview with strong pagan elements.
Me: Okay, I sincerely doubt that House Bunny contains anything that could really be described as pagan, and, furthermore-
Ted Bauer: including virgin girl gets sacrificed to a JELL-O Gelatin volcano.
Me: You win this round, Ted Bauer.
The Celestine Prophecy
My Summary: Based on a book written for idiots, The Celestine Prophecy is kind of like The Purpose-Driven Life for crystal healing aficionados.
MovieGuide says: New Age Nonsense
Me: I would assume so.
MovieGuide: Brief naturalistic upper male nudity light alcohol use depicted when three men have a drink as passengers on an airplane.
Me: Youve got to be fucking kidding me.
Pulse
My Summary: I have no idea what this movie is about and was unable to discern anything from the review.
Movieguide: implied alcohol use
Me: Wow, thats probably the most ridiculous thing by which one could be offended.
Movieguide: car windows smashed
Me: Oops, spoke too soon.
Movieguide: name-calling
Me: We have a new champion!
Movieguide: some humanist psychology
Me: Sorry, name-calling still holds the belt.
Movieguide: Pulse is pretty boring and contains a pagan, occult worldview with an afterlife and no Heaven or Hell, or God.
Me: I cant imagine how a film could be boring with all that upper male nudity and car window smashing.
Crank
My Summary: Some guy is poisoned and has to kill a bunch of people before he dies.
Movieguide Says: man used gun in chopped-off hand to shoot man in head
Me: Ha, thats nuts.
Movieguide: man snorts cocaine, uses caffeine and other medical drugs to keep poison from stopping his heart
Me: If my child were to be poisoned by mobsters and required the use of caffeine and cocaine to stay alive, I would probably encourage him to use those things. I would also encourage him to seek revenge with extreme prejudice.
Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles
My Summary: When the hell did this come out?
Movie Reporter: some sensuality as we see women scantily clad in a couple of scenes.
Me: If God had wanted sensuality to exist, He would have given us senses.
Movie Reporter: There are good family relationships, the good guys best the bad guys and, although I dont want to give anything away, some rice is thrown by films end.
Me: This asshole just gave away everything, although at least we still dont know who gets married. It's probably one of the bad guys.
The Audrey Hepburn Story
My Summary: Ha, ha. This should be good.
Movie Reporter: ABC brings the Cinderella life of the beloved Oscar-winning actress to
television the affectionate portrait dramatizes Audreys life
Me: Id just like to remind everyone that this was written by an allegedly heterosexual male who refers to Audrey Hepburn by her first name.
Movie Reporter: Now, dont get too excited. Just as talent scouts will never find another John Wayne or Cary Grant, there will never be another Audrey Hepburn.
Me: Giggle.