A Guide to Obtaining Gainful Employment

by Barrett Brown

Finding a Job

Check the want-ads in your local newspaper for jobs editing the want-ads section in your local newspaper.

Don't bother applying for that gig on Craigslist about making $40,000-$60,000 a week from home. Wealth can change you, man.

Fib a bit on your resume. If you manage to wrangle an interview, show up, confess to your dishonesty, and break down in tears right there in front of the employer. This will help to break the ice.

Try to be, like, a spy.

The Application Process

Although many job applicants are reluctant to bring up matters of salary during an interview, the subject is best dealt with immediately. Make sure that your potential employer understands that you require payment in gold or some other hard currency in order that you might better escape the attentions of certain "highly-placed factions in the so-called American government." Repeat this six or seven times during the interview, pounding your fist on your chair for emphasis.

It's hard to overemphasize the importance of appearance. Dress up in bright apparel decorated with images of beloved cartoon characters like Tweety Bird and the Tasmanian Devil. Or, if there was ever a cartoon with "baby" versions of the characters of in question, such as perhaps a Baby Tasmanian Devil or some such, try to wear something with that on it.

During the interview, pretend that your cell phone is ringing, ask for the employer to excuse you for a moment, and pretend to engage in a very classy and important conversation with someone on the other end. Here are some things you can say:

• "Tell the Duchess that I'll have no dealings with such adventurers as Terentio de Monte Albano Royalton."

• "I shan't be home for dinner this evening."

• "I shan't attend the Limousine Festival because I'll be busy eating dinner at home this evening."

• "Prepare the cutlery and the wine for the dinner that we shan't not be having this evening."

• "Ensure that a chilled bottle of Zima awaits me in the cloakroom at home this evening."

• "Hey, ol' Rodney-boy! Darleen run off on you yet? Ah-heh-heh-heh, she a purty one!"

• "For king and country!"

• There are also other things that you could probably say.

Settling In

When you arrive at work, explain to your co-workers that this is not your real job, and that you are actually an artist. They will admire you for your honesty.

If you get a job as a cop, go undercover as a federal prisoner to find out who killed your estranged brother. You will probably have to prove your toughness to the other convicts in order to survive. Use martial arts to accomplish this. Again, though, find the guy who killed your brother. This is about him. This is about family.

Try to get your boss to give you a pager so you can wear it to Chili's when you go have lunch with all of your little co-workers. Nice pager, douchebag.