Protagonist Pete: So, guys, thanks for agreeing to the interview.

Roderick Rutherford: Thank you for agreeing to do the interview... with us.

Stax Anaxander: For interviewing us. And agreeing to the interview. Thanks.

Protagonist Pete: Okay. So, the reason I wanted to talk to you guys is because your band does... well, tell us again, uh, for the camera, what you guys play.

Roderick Rutherford: We're a fucking Neil Diamond cover band.

Stax Anaxander: Yeah.

Roderick Rutherford: So we play fucking Neil Diamond songs.

Protagonist Pete: And you do them a little diff-

Stax Anaxander: [loud growling death metal vocals] MONEY TAAAAAAAAAALKSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT-IT-CAN'T-SING-AND-DANCE-AND-IT-DON'T-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Roderick Rutherford: [bobbing head to vocals]

Protagonist Pete: Right. That's good stuff.

Roderick Rutherford: But we play instruments, too, when we play the songs.

Stax Anaxander: Yeah, like guitars.

Roderick Rutherford: So then it's even better.

Protagonist Pete: And your band is called...

Roderick Rutherford: We're called the Steel Diamonds.

Protagonist: Okay, and...

Roderick Rutherford: You get it?

Protagonist Pete: I-

Roderick Rutherford: Think about that for a second.

Protagonist: ...

Stax Anaxander: The Steel Diamonds.

Roderick Rutherford: Are we the Steel Diamonds, as in we're diamonds made of fucking steel, so we're like the hardest motherfucking diamonds on earth or any other planet where diamonds are manufactured... or do we Steal Diamonds, like we're diamond thieves who steal diamonds from their rightful owners?

Stax Anaxander: You don't know.

Roderick Rutherford: You have no fucking clue.

Protagonist Pete: Well, okay. But if I saw it written down, I would know, because they're spelled differently.

Roderick Rutherford: But we never write it down.

Stax Anaxander: Absolutely not.

Roderick Rutherford: And I actually don't know which one is spelled which way.

Stax Anaxander: I do, though. But I won't tell him. It's safer.

Roderick Rutherford: We take precautions. Do you want to be our manager?

Protagonist Pete: I actually don't have any real experience with that sort of thing. But let me ask you some questions if that's okay.

Roderick Rutherford: Just don't ask us about our name.

Stax Anaxander: Wait. He can ask us how we chose our name.

Roderick Rutherford: Yeah, ask us that.

Protagonist Pete: ... So, how did you go about choosing-

Stax Anaxander: I named us.

Protagonist Pete: Alright.

Stax Anaxander: Because I'm really good at naming things. Back in San Antonio, I had a friend who was like one of the last chemists who still made acid. And he always wanted me to name the different batches. Like one time, it was a sheet of gel tabs, entirely white. He showed it to me, and he was like, "Hey, name this." I took one look at this, this white sheet, and I said, "Black magic." And then I just walked out of the room. And he was stunned, because it was so counter-intuitive, but it was so right. You should have seen this guy's fucking faced when I just walked out of the room. It was priceless.

Protagonist Pete: How did you know what his face looked like if you walked out-

Stax Anaxander: I wonder what ever happened to that fucking guy.

Roderick Rutherford: Do you know how to get any acid?

Protagonist Pete: Actually, no. But let me ask you this. You know a lot about Neil Diamond.

Roderick Rutherford: We've never actually met him.

Stax Anaxander: I have. He was one of the last chemists who was still making acid back in, like, 2002. Then everything went dry.

Roderick Rutherford: No, that was Neil Greenberg.

Stax Anaxander: Okay. [To Pete] Yeah, we know Neil Diamond.

Roderick Rutherford: No, we don't.

Stax Anaxander: We know of him.

Protagonist Pete: Right. And you know that Neil Diamond obviously... he's known for his song titles that tend to refer to women. There's Sweet Caroline, for instance.

Stax Anaxander: Do you know who Caroline turned out to be?

Protagonist Pete: Uh, no, actually. Who was it?

Stax Anaxander: It was John Kennedy's little daughter. He saw a picture of her in some magazine and wrote the song about her because he thought she was cute.

Roderick Rutherford: Yeah, Neil Diamond's a fucking pedo. But that was a different time back then.

Stax Anaxander: Yeah, everyone was a pedo back then. Led Zeppelin had that fourteen-year-old girl in their apartment for a while and they wrote songs about her. "Ramble On" was about her. Then he stuck a swordfish in her vagina.

Roderick Rutherford: Led Zeppelin was a fucking pedo. But he's still a great guitarist.

Protagonist Pete: You mean Jimmie Page, of course.

Roderick Rutherford: No. Led Zeppelin. It was this really great rock band. They pretty much invented rock and rock bands.

Protagonist Pete: ...

Roderick Rutherford: ....

Stax Anaxander: ....

Protagonist Pete: So, I wanted to ask you about Neil Diamond's song, which was one of his early big hits, "Sarah, Sarah." Because the name Sarah, I think, comes up unusually often in artwork, in songs-

Stax Anaxander: I have absolutely no fucking idea what the fuck you're talking about.

Protagonist Pete: The, uh, Neil Diamond song.

Stax Anaxander: Are you talking about "Cherry, Cherry?"

Roderick Rutherford: SHE GOT THE WAY TO MOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE CHERRY CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Stax Anaxander: Yeah, you mean that?

Protagonist Pete:

Roderick Rutherford

Stax Anaxander

They just call me Blowjob.

But do you know what Sweet Caroline was about? It was about John F. Kennedy's little daughter.

Yeah, he saw her picture in a magazine from when she was like 12 or something.

Yeah, Neil Diamond's a pedo, but he's still Neil Diamond.

Damn right he is.

He's fucking Neil Diamond.