Sample Episode: The World Bank and Anti-Graft Measures

Barrett Brown

Boo: Good evening. The World Bank's controversial efforts to fight corruption in countries with outstanding debts has taken another hit this week. According to outside experts led by former Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker, the bank's anti-graft campaign has been rendered largely ineffective due to internal conflict among Bank employees, among other factors. Volcker went on to recommend a general retooling of the progra -

Hoof: Who cares?

Boo: ... I'm... pardon me?

Hoof: Who really cares about corruption in the third world?

Boo: Look, international fraud and internal graft in developing nations both have serious implications for investors all over the planet, particularly as companies become increasingly entwined with foreign markets. Even if you're not directly investing in-

Hoof: I'm not investing at all. I'm out of the game.

Boo: You're... out of the game?

Hoof: Yep. About to rap up the biggest deal I've ever done. Worth about twenty mil. Then I'm out for good, baby.

Boo: Wow. Congratulations, that's amazing. What sort of deal is this, if you don't mind me -

Hoof: (haughtily) Well, I don't want to get into too many details quite yet, but let's just say that the widow of former Nigerian dictator Sani Abacha has asked me to assist her in transferring 80 million dollars in stolen oil revenue out of a secret bank account by wiring her $6,000 for a "bank reinstatement account value added surcharge fee," and she's offered me a commission of twenty five percent.

Boo: (pause) I see.

Hoof: Yeah.

Boo: Hmmm...

Hoof: Twenty five percent of 80 million is twenty million.

Boo: I know, thanks.

Hoof: Now that's a rate of return. Makes a Reagan-era share of Apple look like a Roosevelt-era Victory Bond.

Boo: Okay. This actually, uh, sounds like one of those Nigerian e-mail scams.

Hoof: Scam?

Boo: Yeah, you've never heard of...?

Hoof: (superior chuckle) Boo, the woman has 80 million dollars. Why would she need to scam anyone?

Boo: Hoof, there's no 80 million dollars.

Hoof: (affronted) She's a widow, Boo. The woman is in mourning for her dead dictator husband, and I'm not going to sit here and let you call her a liar.

Boo: (Sigh.) Okay, Hoof. I'm sorry.

Hoof: It's okay. I know you're a little jealous right now and you're not thinking straight, so I forgive you.

Boo: Thanks, I appreciate that. But let me ask you this.

Hoof: Okay.

Boo: Did the letter address you as "Sir or Madam"?

Hoof: It did, in fact.

Boo: And you don't find that odd?

Hoof: Well, Hoof is sort of an androgynous name, like "Chris" or "Sky" or "Dane Cook."

Boo: Okay. So, this is your, uh, last big deal, huh?

Hoof: Well, maybe not. Since I agreed, I've gotten e-mails from a lot of other bigwigs who want me to provide them with similar services.

Boo: That's great. Can you name some, or is this still kind of confidential, or...?

Hoof: No, no, I can name them. Let's see... there's the former finance minister of Sierra Leone, the former treasury secretary of Liberia, the former solicitor general of the Holy Roman Empire...

Boo: Good for him, I'm glad he's staying busy.

Hoof: Absolutely, great guy. Then there's the King of Siam...

Boo: Nice.

Hoof: ... And there's another deal involving a fellow whom I probably shouldn't name. Suffice to say he wears cybernetic armor and a green cloak and lives in a castle in Eastern Europe.

Boo: Green cloak...

Hoof: Then there's the postmaster general of-

Boo: Wait, I'm sorry. Are you talking about Dr. Doom?

Hoof: No-

Boo: Are you really going to wire money to a guy who's claiming to be Dr. Doom?

Hoof: (chuckling) No, no, no, no, no.

Boo: Okay, 'cause that's a little-

Hoof: No, no. No.

Boo: Okay.

Hoof: It's Dr. Doom's widow.

Boo: Oh.

Hoof: As our viewers will no doubt remember, Dr. Doom was killed in a battle with Mr. Fantastic back in the late '90s.

Boo: That makes more sense, then.

Hoof: Right. Hey, you remember when they killed off Superman?

Boo: Yeah, but then they brought back, like, five different Supermans.

Hoof: I know.

Boo: So, anyone else?

Hoof: Yeah, there was the postmaster general of Tibet, and also Charles Keating.

Boo: Ooooh.

Hoof: Yeah, I'm not touching that one.

Boo: Good.

Hoof: No way in hell.

Boo: Because that's probably really him... Are we done here?

Hoof: Yeah.

Boo: Okay. Ahem. Though the World Bank's integrity unit was formed in 2001 under the direction of then-president James Wolfensohn, its anti-graft operations were given a distinctly higher level of priority under Paul Wolfowitz, whose championship of the program appears to have been a major factor in his unpopularity with Bank employees before his ouster earlier this year. But despite Wolfowitz's resignation, another bone of contention remains-

(Cell phone rings)

Hoof: Hello?

Boo: Oh, come on, we're live here!

Hoof: (to Boo) Shush! (to phone) Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah, I can bring the cash to Lagos next week. Meet you at the airport? Great, see you then. Adios. (To Boo) Where's Lagos?

Boo: Nigeria. Is that the, uh, Nigerian widow?

Hoof: No, postmaster of Tibet. For some reason they all like to meet up in Lagos. Must be kind of a boutique town for big shots.

Boo: That's what I hear. A lot of buzz about Lagos. Kind of overtaking Martha's Vinyard, as I understand it.

Hoof: Really?

Boo: (deadpans into camera) (pause) Yes.

Hoof: Bea-uuutiful!

Boo: (looks down, seemingly distracted)

Hoof: What's wrong?

Boo: (sort of mumbling) Huh? Nothing, I was just thinking... should probably start updating my resume...

Hoof: (silence)

Boo: (silence)

Boo: Ahem. Another bone of contention among Bank employees is integrity unit chief Suzanne Folsom, a former Republican activist who some have claimed is-

Voice from off-camera, weird accent: Hello?

Hoof: Oh, hey, we're back here.

Boo: Who... who is that?

Hoof: King of Siam.

Boo: Oh. Wow, he's a lot shorter in person.