| Subject: Experienced Humor Writer |
| From: "Barrett Brown" <barriticus@gmail.com> |
| Date: 9/10/07, 18:50 |
| To: gigs-418926599@craigslist.org |
BARRETT BROWN________________________________________
37 Park St. #2, Brooklyn, NY
512-560-2302
COPYWRITER/ FEATURE COLUMNIST/ CONTRIBUTING EDITOR/ BOOK AUTHOR
Published Work/ Freelance Media Experience
The Onion A/V Club
Current, ongoing copywriting for The Onion's features department.
Studio2a, Inc.
Undertook copywriting of print and online marketing collateral (web text, press releases, etc.) for Chicago-based architectural design firm in September 2007.
Anglesey Interactive, Inc.
Undertook copywriting of online marketing collateral (web text, press releases, etc.) in support of firm's "Riight.com" integrated search engine in June 2007.
Organic Motion, Inc.
Undertook copywriting of both print and online marketing collateral, general marketing consultation for noted New York tech start-up in May 2007.
Sterling and Ross Publishers
Nonfiction book "Flock of Dodos: Behind Modern Creationism, Intelligent Design, and the Easter Bunny", political humor, authored in 2006, released in March 2007. Received praise from Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz, Rolling Stone, Skeptic , Air America Radio, Huffington Post, other sources.
Avacata
Occasional freelance work starting in 2007 for Dallas ad agency, researching and creating entertainment/dining/venue blurbs for clients' marketing collateral, including that of luxury resort real estate firm.
National Lampoon
Occasional contributor; past features included "Pick-Up Lines That Don't Seem to Work," "Craig's Conspiracy Corner," "A Guide to Dealing with Housecats," more.
Weekly columnist for political analysis site from October 2004 to November 2005
Features included - - "JohnKerry.com is Web-Tastic!" "Politicos Should Heed the Perry Incident," "Hot Senate Races," "Hot House Races," "109th Congress - What They Really Wanted for Christmas," "Political New Year's Resolutions," "State of the Union 2005: Dreams and Ironies" "The Long Kiss Goodnight," "The Strange Case of Jeff Gannon," "Libby Indicted, Dems Excited," "The Best Little Decoy in Texas," "Faith of Our Fathers: A Mildly Mean-Spirited Review," "McClellan is No Fleischer," "A Response to Our Catholic Readers," "The Known Unknown," "Dr. Frist Prescribes Himself a Dose of Moderation," "Meet John Roberts," "2008 Preview," Roberts Confirmation Hearings Largely Bloodless," more.
AOL CityGuide
Web content writer from Summer 2000 to December 2003 Researched/ created content coverage of event and entertainment venues. Served as regional correspondent for Dallas, Austin, New Orleans, Houston and Little Rock markets.
Additional magazine work
Ongoing, have contributed feature articles from serious political commentary to humor pieces to children's recreational activity coverage to fine dining overviews for outlets including business-to-business publications Pizza Today, Club Systems International, Dallas Market Center, D.C.-based public policy journal Toward Freedom, London-based public policy journal Free Life, humor magazines Jest and McSweeney's , regional publications The Met, Austin Monthly, and Dallas Child, men's magazines Oui and Hustler , literary journal Swans , dozens more.
Additional writing projects
Have created marketing copy for Verizon via Dallas ad agency Sullivan Perkins, produced website copy for design firm NPCreate.com , provided public relations pieces for Texas energy company EBS and Dallas real estate firm Dunhill Partners, more.
Education
1999 - 2003 University of Texas at Austin, College of Communications
A Different Kind of Company
Heathridge Partners can assist your small- to mid-size business in the development of a comprehensive marketing strategy. We take a dynamic approach to advertising that sets us apart from our more conventional competitors; in doing so, we provide exceptional value to our clients.
Before we move on to the next step, we'd like you to tell you a little bit about what we're all about.
Although we're a fairly large, full-service agency with copywriters, alchemists, and HTML coders on staff, we take pains to cultivate a responsive atmosphere in which the client is always the first concern, and in which the concerns of the client always come first. In fact, this would be our company motto if our company motto were not already an ancient Greek phrase known only to our administrative staff and senior copywriters.
We get a lot of questions about our name. No, there's no "Mr. Heathridge" here. Ha, ha! In fact, our name is taken from a rural English grove, the pre-Anglicized moniker of which has been lost to the mists of history. There it was, at Heathridge, that the trees shaded the undergrowth; there it was, at Heathridge, that the stream fed the trees in turn; there it was, at Heathridge, that the tribal priests first effected to cajole the earth into the yielding of its bounty by offering the blood of virgins fair; there it was, thus, at Heathridge, that man began his quest to control nature by means of magick. We draw on this lesson as we draw on all lessons, for it is only through the acquisition of knowledge that one may further the acquisition of power, and it is only the acquisition of power that the knowledgeable man seeks. This is known as the First Circular Maxim.
Because we consider the success of our client to be our ultimate aim, we take an unusually proactive approach to providing the client with the most effective possible marketing collateral. If a client is unsatisfied with a first draft, we'll happily provide a revision. And if a client is unsatisfied with the revision, we will seize control of the client's firm by force in order that we might better provide the firm with what we, as marketing professionals, know to be effective marketing collateral. And though you as the CEO will be executed as matter of precaution, your children will be provided for in a manner adequate to their social station.
Imagine a kitten sleeping amid a bed of flowers. Now imagine a hooded figure approaching from the east. He picks up a felled branch, examines it for flaws, and then having been duly satisfied with its quality - hoists the branch above his head and brings it crashing down on the kitten, which awakens in horror and pain. The hooded figure strikes a second time, leaving the kitten mauled beyond repair, and then turns and walks back towards the east from which he came, leaving the kitten to die frightened and alone. Does this image disturb you? If so, you have only yourself to blame, for you conjured it of your own volition. Or, rather, you did not it was we, through the use of magick, who compelled you to conjure it. That is the Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East. Incidentally, the kitten was not a kitten; it was the cost barriers inherent to traditional buyer-to-buyer marketing, whereas the hooded figure was actually Heathridge Partners and the felled branch was dynamic thinking. That is the Second Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East, and the fact that this allegory, like most things, provides more than one lesson is itself The Third Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East. To wit: you, the client, see only the surface. Heathridge Partners sees what is underneath. That is the Fifth Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East, and the Sixth Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East is that there are three additional lessons that will never be revealed to you.
We do not recognize the authority of the United States government.
Heathridge Partners is only a "marketing agency" in the sense that any "entity" can be said to be a marketing agency. In fact, we are a marketing agency in less than that sense, as there are indeed entities in existence which primarily concern themselves with the marketing of products and services, whereas we are concerned chiefly with the nature of certain prime numbers and their relationship to humanity, while we are only concerned with humanity to the extent that humanity can be said to relate to certain other prime numbers. And whereas most "marketing agencies" derive most of their income from marketing, we are funded largely through arms deals and inheritances passed down from long-dead Balkan royalty.
It would be faulty to believe that the plasticity of the world around us constitutes an indication that the forces of magick are no longer in play, or even that they were never real to begin with. It is the conundrum of the cynic to believe that the existence of hamburger wrappers and television commercials somehow rule out the simultaneous existence of forces more profound, and of the great Actors who wield them. Does the cynic believe that hamburger wrappers and television commercials possess the power to define the world in which we dwell, and to auger the nature of same? If so, it is he who himself believes in magick, and without evidence at that, while we believe in magick only because we have successfully used it to revive Julian the Apostate, whom we revere as we would a master and love as we would a father.
We "provide" "free" "estimates."
Now that you know what Heathridge can do for your company, why not give us a call? You have little to lose, and the world to gain.
***
Bush Writes a Novel
By Barrett Brown
Where Walks the President
By George W.
Bush
Chapter One: A Dangerous Mission
President Gus McAwesome stood in the Oval Office looking out the Oval Window, his steady gaze steadfast in its steadiness, his legs set apart and firmly planted to the ground like two plants planted in the ground. Two strong, firm cactuses. But without needles. Instead of needles, he had leg hairs.
He was standing there, thinking about big political issues, important things that matter to working families, things like laws, and the government, and gay people trying to marry each other in Iraq, when suddenly, the vice-president walked in, crying and cringing like usual. Like a big baby.
"Gus," he squealed like a little girl, "it's the healthcare bill. It's being blocked in the House and I can't-"
Gus cut him off with a firm slap to the face.
"Damn it, Rick, can't you do anything by yourself? Do you need me to hold your hand through every piece of legislation we try to pass? You can't fall back on my political experience every time a problem comes up."
"But it's just that... sometimes I get so scared and confused."
"Get out of my sight," replied McAwesome, and with that he flung his Presidential Poncho over his shoulder, revealing the six-shooters tucked into his belt underneath. Vice-President Rick Reney ran out of the room screaming, then went off to the Lincoln Bedroom to go cry like a little baby and probably to think about being gay with another man and to change his baby diaper, because he was really just a big stupid baby who didn't know anything. A big, gay baby.
A few minutes later, Gus McAwesome put on his jetpack and flew out one of his cool secret passageways. He was headed to go address the House of Representatives, which was a really important government thing. It wasn't really a house, though; it was just called that, because back in the olden days that's what they used to call places where political people met to argue about laws. No one actually lived there. The other big meeting place for other political guys, the "Senate," was just a made-up word.
Today, the House of Representatives was meeting on an aircraft carrier like it did every Tuesday. So while McAwesome was flying across America out towards the ocean, he looked down at the beautiful nation that the majority of voters had elected him to protect, and he thought to himself, "This is truly a Charge to Keep. I must stay the course, and I must continue to battle the Asses of Evil wherever they may be found, whether in Iraq, Iran, Syria, the Alaskan wildlife refuge, West Texas, the Ukraine, or Royal Dutch Shell headquarters. I owe it to all the members of my Texas Air Guard unit who were killed during Vietnam at the Battle of Laredo." Thinking of that dark but heroic time, McAwesome absent-mindedly rubbed one of his battle scars from when the VC had cut him with their ninja swords and chop sticks before disappearing into puffs of smoke using their magical ninja powers.
Finally, President McAwesome arrived at the aircraft carrier, where all of the representatives were there trying to make laws. All the senators were there, too, because sometimes the buy-camera legislature meets together. Anyway, everyone was being unbold and partisan, especially the stupid Democrats. Ged Chinnedy was drinking whiskey straight from the bottle and driving an ATV up and down the landing strip, running over female aides and then throwing their bodies into the ocean below. Dames Trafficant had escaped from prison and was stealing pens from the captain's office. Don Kerry was smoking marijuana and scratching out the word "God" from all the currency that he still had left after spending most of it on drugs, drugs he had bought from Gillary Pimpin, who was a senator even though she was a girl.
At first, no one noticed when President McAwesome landed on the carrier deck. So he pulled out his six-shooter and fired a warning shot into the air, and then fired another warning shot into Don Kerry.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and saluted the president (who is also called the commander-and-chief, because he's also head general of the army and plans all their battles). The Marine band on deck started playing "Hell, It's The Chief!", which they always play when the president comes into a room or shoots something.
"Senators and senatas, representatives and girl representatives, I have come today because I want you to pass this health care bill and make it a law!" yelled President McAwesome in a bold and steadfast manner. "Our people need health care, and this law will make it illegal not to have it!"
"But we don't want to pass it!" yelled all the Democrats. "We hate God!"
It was a tough situation, but McAwesome resolved to be steadfast. He put the bill to a vote. And it passed, because there were only 12 Democrats there. All of the rest were in jail for sodomy or something. And later that day, President McAwesome captured Osama bin Laden through sheer steadfastness.