Subject: RE: Submission: A Different Kind of Company |
From: "websubmissions" <websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net> |
Date: 8/13/07, 08:18 |
To: "'Barrett Brown'" <barriticus@gmail.com> |
Reply-To: <websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net> |
Barrett –
The first one cracks me up the most. Let’s
use that one.
The queue is pretty loaded at the moment,
so look for this to run in three weeks or so.
Best,
Chris
From: Barrett Brown
[mailto:barriticus@gmail.com]
Sent: Sunday, August 12, 2007 2:40
PM
To: websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net
Subject: Re: Submission: A
Different Kind of Company
I think I'll just take the iPhone mention out, as it's too tempting for
me to make the whole piece look like simply a massive buildup for punchline
about how stupid the iPhone is. How about just:
"Now that you know what Heathridge can do for your company, why not give
us a call? Better yet, just turn around."
Or:
"Now that you know what Heathridge can do for your company, why not give
us a call? You have very little to lose."
Or:
"Now that you know what Heathridge can do for your company, why not get in
touch with one of our agents, several of whom are actually employees at your
firm but nonetheless entirely obedient to ours? Like Bob, the guy you knew in
college and who currently heads up accounting. Why not talk to Bob?"
On 8/9/07, websubmissions
<websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net>
wrote:
Hi Barrett –
This
looks good. The last line I'm not sure about, though. I think it has something
to do with the "absurdity which appeals to us" part. A bit too
wink-wink.
What
about this:
Now that you
know what Heathridge can do for your company, why not give us a call? The
answer, of course, is that we do not have a "telephone." But we do
have an iPhone, and if its magick doesn't compel you to call us then you're on
your own, kitten.
If not,
no worries. Just play around with it a little and get back to me when you think
you've got something.
Best,
Chris
From: Barrett Brown [mailto:barriticus@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007
11:54 AM
To: websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net
Subject: Re: Submission: A
Different Kind of Company
Done and done (also changed a couple of words here and
there); let me know if this works:
A Different Kind of Company
Heathridge
Partners can assist your small- to mid-size business in the development of a
comprehensive marketing strategy. We take a dynamic approach to advertising
that sets us apart from our more conventional competitors; in doing so, we
provide exceptional value to our clients. Before we move on to the next step,
though, we'd like you to tell you a little bit about what we're all about.
Although
we're a fairly large, full-service agency with copywriters, alchemists, and
HTML coders on staff, we take pains to cultivate a responsive atmosphere in
which the client is always the first concern, and in which the concerns of the
client always come first. In fact, this would be our company motto if our
company motto were not already an ancient Greek phrase known only to our
administrative staff and senior copywriters.
We get a lot
of questions about our name. No, there's no "Mr. Heathridge" here.
Ha, ha! In fact, our name is taken from a rural English grove, the
pre-Anglicized moniker of which has been lost to the mists of history. There it
was, at Heathridge, that the trees shaded the undergrowth; there it was, at
Heathridge, that the stream fed the trees in turn; there it was, at Heathridge,
that the tribal priests first effected to cajole the earth into the yielding of
its bounty by offering the blood of virgins fair; there it was, thus, at
Heathridge, that man began his quest to control nature by means of magick. We
draw on this lesson as we draw on all lessons, for it is only through the
acquisition of knowledge that one may further the acquisition of power, and it
is only the acquisition of power that the knowledgeable man seeks. This is
known as the First Circular Maxim.
Because we
consider the success of our client to be our ultimate aim, we take an unusually
proactive approach to providing the client with the most effective possible
marketing collateral. If a client is unsatisfied with a first draft, we'll
happily provide a revision. And if a client is unsatisfied with the revision,
we will seize control of the client's firm by force in order that we might
better provide the firm with what we, as marketing professionals, know to be
effective marketing collateral. And though you as the CEO will be executed as
matter of precaution, your children will be provided for in a manner adequate
to their social station.
Imagine a
kitten sleeping amid a bed of flowers. Now imagine a hooded figure approaching
from the east. He picks up a felled branch, examines it for flaws, and then –
having been duly satisfied with its quality - hoists the branch above his head
and brings it crashing down on the kitten, which awakens in horror and pain.
The hooded figure strikes a second time, leaving the kitten mauled beyond
repair, and then turns and walks back towards the east from which he came,
leaving the kitten to die frightened and alone. Does this image disturb you? If
so, you have only yourself to blame, for you conjured it of your own volition.
Or, rather, you did not – it was we, through the use of magick, who compelled
you to conjure it. That is the Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East.
Incidentally, the kitten was not a kitten; it was the cost barriers inherent to
traditional buyer-to-buyer marketing, whereas the hooded figure was actually
Heathridge Partners and the felled branch was dynamic thinking. That is the
Second Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East, and the fact that this
allegory, like most things, provides more than one lesson is itself The Third
Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East. To wit: you, the client, see only
the surface. Heathridge Partners sees what is underneath. That is the Fifth
Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East, and the Sixth Lesson of the Hooded
Figure From the East is that there are three additional lessons that will never
be revealed to you, the profane.
We do not
recognize the authority of the
Heathridge
Partners is only a "marketing agency" in the sense that any
"entity" can be said to be a marketing agency. In fact, we are a
marketing agency in less than that sense, as there are indeed entities in
existence which primarily concern themselves with the marketing of products and
services, whereas we are concerned chiefly with the nature of certain prime
numbers and their relationship to humanity, while we are only concerned with
humanity to the extent that humanity can be said to relate to certain other
prime numbers. And whereas most "marketing agencies" derive most of
their income from marketing, we are funded largely through arms deals and
inheritances passed down from long-dead Balkan royalty.
It would be
faulty to believe that the plasticity of the world around us constitutes an
indication that the forces of magick are no longer in play, or even that they
were never real to begin with. It is the conundrum of the cynic to believe that
the existence of hamburger wrappers and television commercials somehow rule out
the simultaneous existence of forces more profound, and of the great Actors who
wield them. Does the cynic believe that hamburger wrappers and television
commercials possess the power to define the world in which we dwell, and to
auger the nature of same? If so, it is he who himself believes in magick, and
without evidence at that, while we believe in magick only because we have
successfully used it to revive Julian the Apostate, whom we revere as we would
a master and love as we would a father.
We
"provide" "free" "estimates."
Now that you
know what Heathridge can do for your company, why not give us a call? The
answer, of course, is that we do not have a "telephone." But we do
have an iPhone, the absurdity of which appeals to us very much.
On
8/8/07, websubmissions <websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net>
wrote:
Hi
Barrett –
This
cracked me up. I love how it gets more and more absurd as it progresses. So I'd
like to run it, but with a couple tweaks:
1. Eliminate
the email form and simply write it as though it were the company's brochure. So
the beginning would read something like this:
"Heathridge Partners
seeks to assist your small- to mid-size business in the development of a
comprehensive marketing strategy. We take a dynamic approach to advertising
that sets us apart from our more conventional competitors. In doing so, we
provide exceptional value to our clients."
From there it would segue into the
rest of the piece. (And I don't think the bullets are necessary.)
2. Add one or two lines at the very
end to sum everything up, much like a typical brochure would have.
That's pretty much it. If these
suggestions work for you, let me know, and then send a revision at your
leisure.
Best,
Chris
---
Christopher Monks, Acting Website Editor
From: Barrett Brown [mailto: barriticus@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007
1:15 PM
To: websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net
Subject: Submission: A Different
Kind of Company
A Different Kind of Company
by Barrett
Brown
512-560-2302
Sirs-
You're
receiving this e-mail because you requested information about how Heathridge
Partners can assist your small- to mid-size business in the development of a
comprehensive marketing strategy.
At
Heathridge, we take a dynamic approach to advertising that sets us apart from
our more conventional competitors. In doing so, we provide exceptional value to
our clients.
Before we
move on to the next step, we'd like you to tell you a little bit about what
we're all about.
·
Although we're a fairly large,
full-service agency with copywriters, alchemists, and HTML coders on staff, we
take pains to cultivate a responsive atmosphere in which the client is always
the first concern, and in which the concerns of the client always come first.
In fact, this would be our company motto if our company motto were not already
an ancient Greek phrase known only to our administrative staff and senior
copywriters.
·
We get a lot of questions about our name.
No, there's no "Mr. Heathridge" here. Ha, ha! In fact, our name is taken
from a rural English grove, the pre-Anglicized moniker of which has been lost
to the mists of history. There it was, at Heathridge, that the trees shaded the
undergrowth; there it was, at Heathridge, that the stream fed the trees in
turn; there it was, at Heathridge, that the tribal priests first effected to
cajole the earth into the yielding of its bounty by offering the blood of
virgins fair; there it was, thus, at Heathridge, that man began his quest to
control nature by means of magick. We draw on this lesson as we draw on all
lessons, for it is only through the acquisition of knowledge that one may
further the acquisition of power, and it is only the acquisition of power that
the knowledgeable man seeks. This is known as the First Circular Maxim.
·
Because we consider the success of our
client to be our ultimate aim, we take an unusually proactive approach to
providing the client with the most effective possible marketing collateral. If
a client is unsatisfied with a first draft, we'll happily provide a revision.
And if a client is unsatisfied with the revision, we will seize control of the
client's firm by force in order that we might better provide the firm with what
we, as marketing professionals, know to be effective marketing collateral. And
though you as the CEO will be executed as matter of precaution, your children
will be provided for in a manner adequate to their social station.
·
Imagine a kitten sleeping amid a bed of
flowers. Now imagine a hooded figure approaching from the east. He picks up a
felled branch, examines it for flaws, and then – having been duly satisfied
with its quality - hoists the branch above his head and brings it crashing down
on the kitten, which awakens in horror and pain. The hooded figure strikes a
second time, leaving the kitten mauled beyond repair, and then turns and walks
back towards the east from which he came, leaving the kitten to die frightened
and alone. Does this image disturb you? If so, you have only yourself to blame,
for you conjured it of your own volition. Or, rather, you did not – it was we,
through the use of magick, who compelled you to conjure it. That is the Lesson
of the Hooded Figure From the East. Incidentally, the kitten was not a kitten;
it was the cost barriers inherent to traditional buyer-to-buyer marketing,
whereas the hooded figure was actually Heathridge Partners and the felled
branch was dynamic thinking. That is the Second Lesson of the Hooded Figure
From the East, and the fact that this allegory, like most things, provide more
than one lesson is itself The Third Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East.
To wit: you, the client, see only the surface. Heathridge Partners sees what is
underneath. That is the Fifth Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East, and
the Sixth Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East is that there are three
additional lessons that will never be revealed to you.
·
We do not recognize the authority of the
·
Heathridge Partners is only a
"marketing agency" in the sense that any "entity" can be
said to be a marketing agency. In fact, we are a marketing agency in less than
that sense, as there are indeed entities in existence which primarily concern
themselves with the marketing of products and services, whereas we are
concerned chiefly with the nature of certain prime numbers and their
relationship to humanity, while we are only concerned with humanity to the
extent that humanity can be said to relate to certain other prime numbers. And
whereas most "marketing agencies" derive most of their income from
marketing, we are funded largely through arms deals and inheritances passed
down from long-dead Balkan royalty.
·
It would be faulty to believe that the
plasticity of the world around us is itself somehow an indication that the
forces of magick are no longer in play, or even that they never were to begin
with. It is the conundrum of the cynic to believe that the existence of
hamburger wrappers and television commercials somehow rule out the simultaneous
existence of forces more profound, and of the great Actors who wield such
things. Does the cynic believe that hamburger wrappers and television
commercials possess the power to define the world in which we dwell, and to
auger the nature of same? If so, it is he who believes in magick, and without
evidence, while we believe in magick only because we have successfully used it
to revive Julian the Apostate, whom we revere as we would a master and love as
we would a father.
·
We "provide" "free"
"estimates."