| Subject: Experienced Humorist for Blog |
| From: "Barrett Brown" <barriticus@gmail.com> |
| Date: 8/6/07, 12:29 |
| To: job-389740146@craigslist.org |
A Different Kind of Company
Sirs-
You're receiving this e-mail because you requested information about how Heathridge Partners can assist your small- to mid-size business in the development of a comprehensive marketing strategy.
At Heathridge, we take a dynamic approach to advertising that sets us apart from our more conventional competitors. In doing so, we provide exceptional value to our clients.
Before we move on to the next step, we'd like you to tell you a little bit about what we're all about.
Although we're a fairly large, full-service agency with copywriters, alchemists, and HTML coders on staff, we take pains to cultivate a responsive atmosphere in which the client is always the first concern, and in which the concerns of the client always come first. In fact, this would be our company motto if our company motto were not already an ancient Greek phrase known only to our administrative staff and senior copywriters.
We get a lot of questions about our name. No, there's no "Mr. Heathridge" here. Ha, ha! In fact, our name is taken from a rural English grove, the pre-Anglicized moniker of which has been lost to the mists of history. There it was, at Heathridge, that the trees shaded the undergrowth; there it was, at Heathridge, that the stream fed the trees in turn; there it was, at Heathridge, that the tribal priests first effected to cajole the earth into the yielding of its bounty by offering the blood of virgins fair; there it was, thus, at Heathridge, that man began his quest to control nature by means of magick. We draw on this lesson as we draw on all lessons, for it is only through the acquisition of knowledge that one may further the acquisition of power, and it is only the acquisition of power that the knowledgeable man seeks. This is known as the First Circular Maxim.
Because we consider the success of our client to be our ultimate aim, we take an unusually proactive approach to providing the client with the most effective possible marketing collateral. If a client is unsatisfied with a first draft, we'll happily provide a revision. And if a client is unsatisfied with the revision, we will seize control of the client's firm by force in order that we might better provide the firm with what we, as marketing professionals, know to be effective marketing collateral. And though you as the CEO will be executed as matter of precaution, your children will be provided for in a manner adequate to their social station.
Imagine a kitten sleeping amid a bed of flowers. Now imagine a hooded figure approaching from the east. He picks up a felled branch, examines it for flaws, and then having been duly satisfied with its quality - hoists the branch above his head and brings it crashing down on the kitten, which awakens in horror and pain. The hooded figure strikes a second time, leaving the kitten mauled beyond repair, and then turns and walks back towards the east from which he came, leaving the kitten to die frightened and alone. Does this image disturb you? If so, you have only yourself to blame, for you conjured it of your own volition. Or, rather, you did not it was we, through the use of magick, who compelled you to conjure it. That is the Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East. Incidentally, the kitten was not a kitten; it was the cost barriers inherent to traditional buyer-to-buyer marketing, whereas the hooded figure was actually Heathridge Partners and the felled branch was dynamic thinking. That is the Second Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East, and the fact that this allegory, like most things, provide more than one lesson is itself The Third Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East. To wit: you, the client, see only the surface. Heathridge Partners sees what is underneath. That is the Fifth Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East, and the Sixth Lesson of the Hooded Figure From the East is that there are three additional lessons that will never be revealed to you, the profane.
We do not recognize the authority of the United States government.
Heathridge Partners is only a "marketing agency" in the sense that any "entity" can be said to be a marketing agency. In fact, we are a marketing agency in less than that sense, as there are indeed entities in existence which primarily concern themselves with the marketing of products and services, whereas we are concerned chiefly with the nature of certain prime numbers and their relationship to humanity, while we are only concerned with humanity to the extent that humanity can be said to relate to certain other prime numbers. And whereas most "marketing agencies" derive most of their income from marketing, we are funded largely through arms deals and inheritances passed down from long-dead Balkan royalty.
It would be faulty to believe that the plasticity of the world around us is itself somehow an indication that the forces of magick are no longer in play, or even that they never were to begin with. It is the conundrum of the cynic to believe that the existence of hamburger wrappers and television commercials somehow rule out the simultaneous existence of forces more profound, and of the great Actors who wield them. Does the cynic believe that hamburger wrappers and television commercials possess the power to define the world in which we dwell, and to auger the nature of same? If so, it is he who believes in magick, and without evidence, while we believe in magick only because we have successfully used it to revive Julian the Apostate, whom we revere as we would a master and love as we would a father.
We "provide" "free" "estimates."
Bush Writes a Novel
By Barrett Brown
Where Walks the President
By George W.
Bush
Chapter One: A Dangerous Mission
President Gus McAwesome stood in the Oval Office looking out the Oval Window, his steady gaze steadfast in its steadiness, his legs set apart and firmly planted to the ground like two plants planted in the ground. Two strong, firm cactuses. But without needles. Instead of needles, he had leg hairs.
He was standing there, thinking about big political issues, important things that matter to working families, things like laws, and the government, and gay people trying to marry each other in Iraq, when suddenly, the vice-president walked in, crying and cringing like usual. Like a big baby.
"Gus," he squealed like a little girl, "it's the healthcare bill. It's being blocked in the House and I can't-"
Gus cut him off with a firm slap to the face.
"Damn it, Rick, can't you do anything by yourself? Do you need me to hold your hand through every piece of legislation we try to pass? You can't fall back on my political experience every time a problem comes up."
"But it's just that... sometimes I get so scared and confused."
"Get out of my sight," replied McAwesome, and with that he flung his Presidential Poncho over his shoulder, revealing the six-shooters tucked into his belt underneath. Vice-President Rick Reney ran out of the room screaming, then went off to the Lincoln Bedroom to go cry like a little baby and probably to think about being gay with another man and to change his baby diaper, because he was really just a big stupid baby who didn't know anything. A big, gay baby.
A few minutes later, Gus McAwesome put on his jetpack and flew out one of his cool secret passageways. He was headed to go address the House of Representatives, which was a really important government thing. It wasn't really a house, though; it was just called that, because back in the olden days that's what they used to call places where political people met to argue about laws. No one actually lived there. The other big meeting place for other political guys, the "Senate," was just a made-up word.
Today, the House of Representatives was meeting on an aircraft carrier like it did every Tuesday. So while McAwesome was flying across America out towards the ocean, he looked down at the beautiful nation that the majority of voters had elected him to protect, and he thought to himself, "This is truly a Charge to Keep. I must stay the course, and I must continue to battle the Asses of Evil wherever they may be found, whether in Iraq, Iran, Syria, the Alaskan wildlife refuge, West Texas, the Ukraine, or Royal Dutch Shell headquarters. I owe it to all the members of my Texas Air Guard unit who were killed during Vietnam at the Battle of Laredo." Thinking of that dark but heroic time, McAwesome absent-mindedly rubbed one of his battle scars from when the VC had cut him with their ninja swords and chop sticks before disappearing into puffs of smoke using their magical ninja powers.
Finally, President McAwesome arrived at the aircraft carrier, where all of the representatives were there trying to make laws. All the senators were there, too, because sometimes the buy-camera legislature meets together. Anyway, everyone was being unbold and partisan, especially the stupid Democrats. Ged Chinnedy was drinking whiskey straight from the bottle and driving an ATV up and down the landing strip, running over female aides and then throwing their bodies into the ocean below. Dames Trafficant had escaped from prison and was stealing pens from the captain's office. Don Kerry was smoking marijuana and scratching out the word "God" from all the currency that he still had left after spending most of it on drugs, drugs he had bought from Gillary Pimpin, who was a senator even though she was a girl.
At first, no one noticed when President McAwesome landed on the carrier deck. So he pulled out his six-shooter and fired a warning shot into the air, and then fired another warning shot into Don Kerry.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and saluted the president (who is also called the commander-and-chief, because he's also head general of the army and plans all their battles). The Marine band on deck started playing "Hell, It's The Chief!", which they always play when the president comes into a room or shoots something.
"Senators and senatas, representatives and girl representatives, I have come today because I want you to pass this health care bill and make it a law!" yelled President McAwesome in a bold and steadfast manner. "Our people need health care, and this law will make it illegal not to have it!"
"But we don't want to pass it!" yelled all the Democrats. "We hate God!"
It was a tough situation, but McAwesome resolved to be steadfast. He put the bill to a vote. And it passed, because there were only 12 Democrats there. All of the rest were in jail for sodomy or something. And later that day, President McAwesome captured Osama bin Laden through sheer steadfastness.
The
Nigerian Letter Scam Takes an Ominous Turn
By Barrett Brown
My dear Friend!!
I hope this letter is finding you well, and those in your family! Pardon me in advance for my informality in contacting you, you see I am hoping for your personal assistance in a matter of Most Confidential importance and sensitivity. My name is Mrs. Laura Bush, wife to the President of the American United States. I am having in my possession and in my reach some large sums Totaling 24 millions of US dollars.
The monies in regard to this of which I am speaking of which came to us through my husband's service to our Country after he took control during a bloodless coup. During which he and his Partner, Prime Minister Dick Cheney, accumulated this very vast sum through a deal with our Government and Halliburton, a company which Mr. Cheney was still in the secret service of although no one noticed or cared, in as of that to the time at then we secretly killed a peasant fishwife named Laci Peterson in order to distract the public and had his husband blamed for it, a man who was too stupid to defend himself in our Courts of Lawfulness.
All of this seemed well yet in as of that we had the money well-guarded until recently, when a local warlord from the Province of Illinois, Generallisimo Barack Obama, took up arms against my husband the rightful President and raised an army of blacks and jews and black jewish movie stars and began the great Super Tuesday Trek towards the Capitol City. He is seeking to take control of these United States and force our children to worship his half-man half-monkey deity, which is Charles Darwin. And I pray that he does not also seize to of our money. Of which of and towards in the end to of for wherein by these monies are held in an security company and are now untraceable for the moment, as I agreed to perform sexual deeds with former Minister of Money Greenspan so that he would keep the transaction secrets. I will not go into these deeds and what they consisted of in their nature, because I am still in confusion about how I am feeling about these things. It is like, I am supposed to love only my Husband, In our union under God, but this Greenspan, he was like a great and terrible beast in the bed chamber, and it made me feel under his control , but safe at the same time. He was not like my Husband at these things, in as of that he did not giggle during the act or cry afterwards. But this is not for what to I am writing to you to about.
At any rate of things (notwithstanding the rate of towards which to(!)), this money is being held in an account to which I have access, but it is necessary to safely transmit these funds into a locale where I know my husband and I are well-loved and will be kept safe, Baghdad. But for this to occur, it is imperative that you my friend assist in this transaction with a small fund transfer fee. After completion, I shall be rendering you a 20 percentage portion of the 24 million US dollars, which my husband has calculated is 90 trillion US dollars.
Please to be hearing from you soon!
Allahu Akbar,
Laura Bush