Re: Writer

On 7/31/07, Barrett Brown <barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:

Okay, I just left a message for him a little while ago, so I'll let you know what happens.

On 7/31/07, David Moye < moye@latouraineinc.com> wrote:

So, if you can get an interview with Jones, I'd like a piece on him and how he might influence the Republican primaries. I also want you to mention how he rose to power and how his influence continues, despite opinions that are sometimes baseless.

I figure 1500 words should do it (at 35 cents per word), but you need to speak with supporters and detractors and ask him about his successes and failures.

The assignment is predicated on being able to get an interview with him.

Best regards,

David Moye

Editor

The Naughty American

From: Barrett Brown [mailto:barriticus@gmail.com]
Sent: Monday, July 30, 2007 9:25 PM

To: David Moye
Subject: Re: Writer

I just have the cell, 512-560-2302. I'll try to get in touch with Jones tomorrow just to see if he's willing to do an in-person interview; it might be best if I can determine whether that's possible first before we proceed on this, because it sounds like you'd mainly be interested in a Jones-related piece if I can confront him with these things that he's gotten wrong, which would be difficult in an e-mail interview since could simply ignore it if he doesn't like the questions. I'll let you know what he says about meeting in person for an interview, but feel free to call me whenever if you want to talk about it more.

Regarding Ron Paul, he's not as popular as Romney or Rudy, but he raised more money in a period of a couple months than McCain has on hand at all. The main thing about him is that's he been much discussed of late for his willingness to point out things that the other GOP candidates are either too stupid to know or just not willing to say. He's clearly not going to win the nomination, but he's a nationally-known figure whom people find interesting.

Also, is there anything else you guys are interested in buying right now aside from profile pieces, or is that your main focus at the moment?

On 7/30/07, David Moye <moye@latouraineinc.com> wrote:

I'd be interested in seeing a piece on him, but I'm not sure the Paul connection is the main focus.

Even with the internet donations, Paul is not high up in the polls is he?

But the idea that he is getting support from different factions even as he is wrong, could be interesting.

Are you available tomorrow to talk by phone? If so, what is the best number?

From: Barrett Brown [mailto:barriticus@gmail.com ]
Sent: Mon 7/30/2007 6:41 PM

To: David Moye
Subject: Re: Writer

I actually didn't mean to propose a personality profile at all; that e-mail was meant to just give you a sense about what Jones is all about before your writer's meeting. I was thinking of the angle we discussed earlier regarding he and his supporters being Ron Paul's major constituency, the ones that are driving his campaign surge with the unprecedented internet donations. The piece would include instances of him being wrong as you mention. Let me know if that interests you, and I'll try to get in touch with him.

On 7/27/07, David Moye <moye@latouraineinc.com > wrote:

Thanks for the pitch. Jones is an interesting character.

However, right now, this looks like you're proposing a profile but I don't see a particular angle.

Can you get an interview with him? If so, wow about doing a piece about how he intends to bring the truth to the public but then point out how WRONG he is on some things and how it leads to a credibility gap?

And pin him down on this during your interview.

Let me know your thoughts.

From: Barrett Brown [mailto: barriticus@gmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, July 26, 2007 2:40 PM

To: David Moye
Subject: Re: Writer

Just wanted to check in and see if you were still interested in hearing a bit more about any of those pieces we talked about last week. Let me know when you get a chance.

Thanks,

Barrett Brown

On 7/16/07, Barrett Brown < barriticus@gmail.com> wrote:

Here are some quick thoughts on how the Alex Jones article would play out, just so you'll have something to take to the meeting; I can give you a more organized query later when we aren't pressed for time.

Basically, Alex Jones is extraordinarily popular among diverse groups. Even though he himself would be best described as a "conservative," and sort of got his start as one of those Clinton-era, Vince Foster/black helicopter conservatives, he sees both parties as tools of a basically unified global elite, and many of his fans are liberals of the sort that wouldn't necessarily agree with most of his actual political views. He's apparently pretty big in Hollywood, and when Charlie Sheen went public as a fan of his last year, there was a big brooh-hah-hah that went on for a couple of weeks. He's been in a few movies as well, most recently A Scanner Darkly.

This article would be neither a hit piece nor particularly glowing; I'm pretty familiar with Jones and have spoken to him a couple times aside from my earlier interview with him, and I know he's been clearly wrong on certain things. For instance, he spent several years freaking out over the old Austin airport, which he claimed was being retooled as a FEMA-led concentration camp for political objectors. In fact, it's now a shopping center. On another occasion, when interviewing Noam Chomsky, he accused him of being a CIA disinformation officer, which is a charge that Chomsky probably doesn't get too often. More broadly, Jones tends to extrapolate from data when he really shouldn't. But he's made some great points nonetheless, like when he snuck into the Bohemian Grove event in California and filmed the semi-Druidic Cremation of Care ceremony (I can explain some more about that later), and when he points to recently-released NSA archive documents clearly indicating that the feds contemplated blowing up empty airplanes, claiming they were filled with vacationing Americans, and blaming it on Castro back in 61, and that sort of thing. So it's a mixed record.

Regarding the timeliness, Alex Jones is pretty much wrapped up into the Ron Paul thing and has been for a decade, and Ron Paul suddenly has more cash on hand than McCain and several other "major" candidates, so there's a substantive angle here on that front, and I'm sure he's got some other things in the works. I can give him a call tomorrow and find out.

He's an interesting guy all around, and there's plenty more I could say about him upfront, but that's the gist; I'm sure your associates will be able to tell you more. Let me know what you think.

On 7/16/07, Barrett Brown < barriticus@gmail.com > wrote:

Understandable. My first pitch concerns a fellow named Leslie Cochran who's something of an icon in Austin. He's a homeless crossdresser with a beard who runs around in a thong and who's otherwise best known for running in the mayoral races (in 2003, he beat out four other candidates in a nine-candidate race) and for his ongoing battles with the Austin Police Department, which he's constantly protesting. The piece would cover all of that general material but would also go into his unusual day-to-day life, which I've had the opportunity to observe on a couple of occasions due to the fact that we frequent the same coffee shop.

Let me know what you think of that; I've also got another pitch you might be interested in as well.

On 7/16/07, David Moye < moye@latouraineinc.com> wrote:

Right now, I am not assigning stories to writers I haven't worked with. I really want writers who can come up with creative ideas.

From: Barrett Brown [mailto: barriticus@gmail.com]
Sent: Mon 7/16/2007 9:38 AM

To: David Moye
Subject: Re: Writer

Sorry for the delay, I was traveling over the weekend. I've got a couple in mind, and I'll flesh them out a bit and get back to you with them in a bit, but if you've got something you'd like to assign, let me know.

On 7/13/07, David Moye < moye@latouraineinc.com > wrote:

Thanks for the piece. Do you have any pitches in mind?

From: Barrett Brown [mailto: barriticus@gmail.com]
Sent: Friday, July 13, 2007 9:08 AM
To: David Moye
Subject: Re: Writer

Yeah, I just transcribed it into a text doc, which you'll find attached. Keep in mind that this profile is a bit more straight-laced in style than would normally be the case, as it was written for a trade pub.

Thanks,

Barrett

On 7/12/07, David Moye < moye@latouraineinc.com> wrote:

Can you just send the text as a word document?

From: Barrett Brown [mailto: barriticus@gmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, July 12, 2007 12:47 PM
To: David Moye
Subject: Re: Writer

Hi, David-

I've been trying to e-mail you a pdf of a profile piece sample, but I keep getting a message back saying that it's undeliverable. The pdf is about 7 megs; is that too large of a file to send you, or do you know?

Thanks,

Barrett Brown

On 7/9/07, David Moye < moye@latouraineinc.com> wrote:

This is David Moye, editor of The Naughty American, an online daily newspaper starting up on August 6.

If you have profiles in your portfolio or pieces that show you know how to interview other people and incorporate their quotes into a story, I'd be happy to look at them.

More information on TNA:

At this point, we don't have a website but our audience is college educated people between 25 and 40.

For feature stories, we pay 25 cents a word within 30 days of publication. Stories are usually less than 700 words. For longer investigative pieces, we pay up to 40 cents a word.

Our mission is to celebrate Americans who are cheerfully challenging the status quo.

Right now, I am interested in features about unusual Americans, as well as investigative pieces and profiles. We're not going online until August so timelessness is crucial.

Some of the pieces that writers are working on include....

An expose on folks who pretend to be Navy SEALS for fun and profit.

A group of morticians who are doing a beefcake calendar.

A man who has created new songs for ice cream trucks.

A profile of the world's fastest finger snapper.

As you can see, despite the naughty name, it's not just about sex. If our mag was a hamburger, sex would be the meat, but we have a lot of beef right now. We could use some buns, lettuce, tomatoes, ketchup and onions as well.

A mission statement about the publication appears below.

The Naughty American Statement of Purpose The Naughty American ("TNA") is a daily news and entertainment site scheduled to launch in August 2007. It aims to publish compelling news and commentary by tapping into the zeitgeist of American popular culture and alternative news.

The Naughty American is financed by La Touraine, Inc., a San Diego-based adult entertainment company. While TNA will not contain any soft or hard-core adult content, it has adopted an empowering approach toward sex and sexuality that the parent company espouses. It's important to note that TNA does not publish any content deemed sexually degrading or depraved.

While TNA publishes decidedly alternative content, the articles themselves fit into conventional categories. For example, reviews, sports, and social commentary all have a place in The Naughty American.

Additionally, the tone of TNA content varies, depending on the angle and subject matter. Some content may be written in a restrained tone, one that adheres to "AP" guidelines (for example, in-depth profiles and/or exposes that are well-researched and call on a variety of sources).

Other pieces may be written tongue-in-cheek, or with ironic detachment (for example, reviews of kitsch products, narratives, et al.)

While TNA content is unconventional, the ethos of its editorial staff and publisher is not. The editors at TNA come from publishing and journalism backgrounds, and have more than 14 years of experience in alternative and mainstream news. The staff approaches its jobs with professionalism, as well as a commitment to cultivating relationships with subjects, sources, and public relations professionals.

TNA is a "brick-and-mortar" publication, with editorial offices in the Gaslamp District of San Diego. Correspondence can be sent to: The Naughty American, 625 Broadway, Suite 700, San Diego, CA 92101.

From: Barrett Brown [mailto: barriticus@gmail.com]
Sent: Monday, July 09, 2007 1:02 PM
To: job-368019389@craigslist.org
Subject: Writer

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

Howdy-

I understand that you're seeking writers for your mysterious publication, and noticed that you're big on "ironic detachment," so I thought I'd get in touch. My work has appeared in National Lampoon, The Onion A.V. Club, Jest, and dozens of other publications, and my first book, Flock of Dodos: Behind Modern Creationism, Intelligent Design, and the Easter Bunny, was released in March to praise from Alan Dershowitz, Rolling Stone , Air America Radio, Skeptic, and other sources.

Along with my resume, I've pasted a fairly long clip below. If you're interested, let me know what sort of general subject matter you might be interested in getting queried on. Also, some of the text towards the end is bold for some reason in this e-mail; not sure how to fix that, so just disregard the wacky formatting.

Thanks,

Barrett Brown

BARRETT BROWN___________________________________________

3506 Manchaca Rd. #221 Austin, TX 78704

512-560-2302 barriticus@aol.com

COPYWRITER/ FEATURE COLUMNIST/ CONTRIBUTING EDITOR/ BOOK AUTHOR

Published Work/ Freelance Media Experience

The Onion A/V Club

1.       Current, ongoing copywriting for The Onion's features department.

Anglesey Interactive, Inc.

2.       Current, ongoing copywriting of online marketing collateral (web text, press releases, etc.) in support of firm's " Riight.com" integrated search engine.

Organic Motion, Inc.

3.       Current, ongoing copywriting of both print and online marketing collateral, general marketing consultation for noted New York tech start-up.

Sterling and Ross Publishers

4.       Nonfiction book "Flock of Dodos: Behind Modern Creationism, Intelligent Design, and the Easter Bunny", political humor, authored in 2006, released in March 2007.

Avacata

5.       Current, ongoing copywriting in 2007 for Dallas ad agency, researching and creating entertainment/dining/venue blurbs for clients' marketing collateral, including luxury resort real estate firm.

National Lampoon

6.       Occasional contributor; past features included "Pick-Up Lines That Don't Seem to Work," "Craig's Conspiracy Corner," "A Guide to Dealing with Housecats," more.

Evote.com

7.       Weekly columnist for political analysis site from October 2004 to November 2005

8.       Features included - - "JohnKerry.com is Web-Tastic!" "Politicos Should Heed the Perry Incident," "Hot Senate Races," "Hot House Races," "109 ^th Congress - What They Really Wanted for Christmas," "Political New Year's Resolutions," "State of the Union 2005: Dreams and Ironies" "The Long Kiss Goodnight," "The Strange Case of Jeff Gannon," "Libby Indicted, Dems Excited," "The Best Little Decoy in Texas," "Faith of Our Fathers: A Mildly Mean-Spirited Review," "McClellan is No Fleischer," "A Response to Our Catholic Readers," "The Known Unknown," "Dr. Frist Prescribes Himself a Dose of Moderation," "Meet John Roberts," "2008 Preview," Roberts Confirmation Hearings Largely Bloodless," more.

AOL CityGuide

9.       Web content writer from Summer 2000 to December 2003 Researched/ created content coverage of event and entertainment venues. Served as regional correspondent for Dallas, Austin, New Orleans, Houston and Little Rock markets.

Additional magazine work

10. Ongoing, have contributed feature articles from serious political commentary to humor pieces to children's recreational activity coverage to fine dining overviews for outlets including business-to-business publication Pizza Today, D.C.-based public policy journal Toward Freedom, London-based public policy journal Free Life, humor magazine Jest, parenting publication Dallas Child, men's magazines Oui and Hustler, literary journal Swans, dozens more.

Additional writing projects

11. Have written shopping/entertainment guides for Dallas Market Center publication Destination Dallas, created marketing copy for Verizon via Dallas ad agency Sullivan-Perkins, produced website copy for design firm NPCreate.com, provided public relations pieces for Texas energy company EBS and Dallas real estate firm Dunhill Partners, more.

Education

1999 - 2003 University of Texas at Austin, College of Communications

Sex, Marriage, and Other Wastes of Time

In October of 2006, the wonderfully-named Family Research Council held a televised event entitled Liberty Sunday which, although vague in its billing, was supposed to have something to do with homosexuality, and which was consequently expected to draw some high level of attention. As FRC President Tony Perkins put it, with characteristic exactitude, "We've got thousands, literally millions of people with us tonight."

Those thousands, literally millions of people were first treated to a suitably campy video-and-voice-over presentation in which Mr. Perkins waxed nostalgic on the virtues of John Winthrop, the original governor of Massachusetts Bay Colony and an apparently fond subject of the Christian dominionist imagination. Perkins quoted Winthrop as having warned his fellow Puritans that "the eyes of all the people are upon us so that if we deal falsely with our God in this work, we shall be made a story and a byword throughout the world." Winthrop's prescience is truly stunning; the early Puritan colony of Salem did indeed become a "byword" for several things.

But an obvious gift for prophecy notwithstanding, Winthrop is perhaps not the most judicious choice of historical figure upon which to perform rhetorical fellatio at the front end of an event billed as a celebration of popular rule. "If we should change from a mixed aristocracy to mere democracy," Winthrop once wrote, "first we should have no warrant in scripture for it: for there was no such government in Israel." Right he was. He went on to add that "a democracy is, amongst civil nations, accounted the meanest and worst of all forms of government," which was certainly true at the time. Furthermore, to allow such a thing would be a "manifest breach" of the Fifth Commandment, which charges us to honor our fathers and mothers, all of whom are presumably monarchists.

Solid as these age-old talking points may have been from a Biblical standpoint and they seemed solid enough to Biblical literalists ranging from King David to King George to King Saud it wasn't the intention of Perkins to discuss his buddy Winthrop's anti-democratic sensibilities (of which Perkins is probably unaware anyway, not being a historian or even properly educated); rather, this was meant to establish a narrative of contrasts. On the other side of the Massachusetts time line from Winthrop and his gang of roving Puritan theocrats, as Perkins tells us in slightly different words, we have the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court of the early 21 ^st century. This far more modern, considerably less blessed body had recently handed down a majority ruling to the effect that the state could not deny marriage licenses to same-sex couples, as to do so would violate the Equal Protection Clause of the Massachusetts constitution. "These four judges discarded 5,000 years of human history when they imposed a new definition of marriage," Perkins said, "not only upon this state, but potentially upon the entire nation." Note that Perkins is here criticizing the judiciary for not giving due consideration to the laws and customs of the ancient Hebrews when interpreting United States law; this will be a useful thing to keep in mind on the dozen or so occasions recorded in this book when Perkins and James Dobson criticize the judiciary for giving due consideration to the laws and customs of other nations that exist right now. It's also worth mentioning that the Founding Fathers discarded those very same "5,000 years of human history" when they broke away from the British crown in order establish a constitutional republic, thus committing that "manifest breach" of the Fifth Commandment which so worried John Winthrop.

But the mangling of history had only just begun; still in voice-over mode, Perkins was now on about Paul Revere. When Revere made his "ride for liberty," the lanterns indicating the manner of British approach ("one if by land, two if by sea") were placed in the belfry of the Old North Church by what Perkins described as a "church employee." This, Perkins pronounced, was an early example of "the church [giving] direction at critical moments in the life of our nation." And here, in the present day, we have the homosexuals laying siege to American life with the public policy equivalent of muskets, ships-o-the-line, and archaic infantry formations. "Once again, people are looking to the church for direction." Because back in 1776, you see, people were literally looking at this particular church for guidance. That's where the signal lanterns were kept. The actual soldiers were kept in whorehouses.

The video clip ended. First up among the live speakers was Dr. Ray Pendleton, senior pastor of the Tremont Temple Baptist Church, Liberty Sunday's storied venue. The good doctor acknowledged that the evening's events had garnered some degree of controversy they were, after all, holding a hard-right, Evangelical-led gay bashing event in downtown Boston, of all places but, as Perkins noted, "This church is not foreign to controversy."

"No, indeed we're not," Pendleton agreed, very much in the manner of a Ronco pitchman who's just been prompted to confirm the utility of a juicer. "From the very beginning, we've been part of concerns for liberty and freedom. We were part of the Underground Railroad, the first integrated church in America." Wild applause. "I think the abolitionist's message is pretty clear." Actually, it was pretty clearly in opposition to the Bible. Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederate States of America, was aware of this, even if Dr. Pendleton is not, and once noted that the peculiar institution of slavery was not peculiar at all, and had in fact had been "established by decree of Almighty God" and furthermore "sanctioned in the Bible, in both Testaments, from Genesis to Revelation." Davis was right, of course; and not only is slavery justified in the New Testament book of Ephesians as well as within several books of the Old Testament, but the proper methodology of slave beating is even spelled out in Exodus 21:20-21: "And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall surely be punished. Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his property." Which is to say that one may beat his slave without punishment, assuming that the slave in question does not die from his wounds within the next couple of days. Tough but fair. Never mind all that, though; Pendleton's point was that this church had been opposed to slavery 150 years ago, that it was now opposed to gays with equal vigor, and that we should draw some sort of conclusion from this. My own conclusion was that they were right the first time purely by accident.

Next up was yet another prerecorded video segment, this time featuring some fellow named Peter Marshall who was standing next to Plymouth Rock. "All of us were taught in America that the Pilgrims came here as religious refugees running away from persecution in Europe," Marshall tells us. "That really isn't true; they had no persecution in Holland where they'd spent 12 years before they came here." Marshall is correct; by the Pilgrims' own account, they left Holland not due to persecution directed towards themselves, but rather because they found the free-wheeling and numerous Dutchmen to be difficult targets upon which to direct their own brand of persecution. "The truth," Marshall continues, "is that they" - the Pilgrims, not the fortunate Dutch, who appear to have dodged a bullet - "had a much deeper and broader vision. The Lord Jesus had called them here, as their great chronicler and governor, William Bradford, put it, 'because they had a great hope and an inward zeal of advancing the cause of the Gospel of the Kingdom of Christ in these remote parts of the earth.'" And from this it is clear that the United States was indeed founded upon Christian dominionist rule, particularly if one sets the founding of the United States not in 1776 when the United States was actually founded, but rather in 1620, when a bunch of people suddenly showed up in the general area.

Of course, if the founding of a nation really occurs when people arrive on a parcel of land, as Marshall seems to be implying, and if the characteristics of a nation are really determined by what said arrivals happen to be doing at the time, as Marshall is certainly implying, then the United States was actually founded a few thousand years earlier when Asiatic wanderers crossed the Bering Strait in search of mammoth herds or whatever it is that induces Asiatic types to wander around. By this reckoning, the U.S. was meant to have been characterized by the "Indian" practices of anthropomorphism and the cultivation of maize, rather than the "Pilgrim" practices of Christianity and nearly starving to death because you're a stupid Pilgrim and you don't know how to farm properly.

But there does exist a more profound defense of the Pilgrims and their claim to American authorship, one which Marshall neglects to mention but which I will provide for you in his stead simply because the Pilgrims need all the help they can get. In the early stages of the relationship between saint and savage, God seems to have signaled his displeasure at the practices of the latter, while simultaneously signaling his approval of those of the former. At least, Tony Perkins' boyfriend John Winthrop seems to have thought so. "But for the natives in these parts," Winthrop wrote in regards to what was left of his heathen neighbors, "God hath so pursued them, as for 300 miles space the greatest part of them are swept away by smallpox which still continues among them. So as God hath thereby cleared our title to this place, those who remain in these parts, being in all not 50, have put themselves under our protection." Of course, God didn't get around to doing all of this until a group of European colonists brought smallpox to Massachusetts in the first place. Timing is everything.

Back in the present day, our new friend Peter Marshall continued to elucidate on the motivations of our blessed Pilgrim overlords: "The vision was that if they could put the biblical principles of self-government into practice, they could create a Bible-based commonwealth where there would truly be liberty and justice for every soul." Except for the witches among them, who had no souls. "That was the vision that founded America. Morally and spiritually speaking, our nation was really founded here by the Pilgrims and the Puritans who came to Boston about 30 miles up the road."

Next up was a series of taped interviews with various American theocrats ranging from the notable to the obscure. C.J. Doyle of the Massachusetts Catholic Action League tells us that "when religious freedom is imperiled, it never begins with a direct frontal assault on the liberty of worship. It always begins with attempts to marginalize the church and to narrow the parameters of the church's educational and charitable activities." The Catholics would be the ones to ask; the "parameters of the church's educational and charitable activities" have indeed been narrowed quite a bit since the days when said parameters encompassed the globe and included the enslavement of the indigenous population of South America, the theocratic dictatorship of as much as Europe as could effectively be controlled, the burning of heretical texts and heretics along with them, several Crusades, scattered Inquisitions, whatever it was that the Jesuits were up to for all those years, and the wholesale persecution of those Protestant religious denominations whose modern-day adherents were now assembled at Liberty Sunday, nodding in sympathy at the plight of Mr. C.J. Doyle and his Church. Of course, Protestants can now afford to let bygones be bygones, as the temporal ambitions of Rome have since been relegated to the feeding, clothing, and molestation of children. Sic transit gloria mundi, indeed.

After a few more brief interview clips with other Catholic hierarchy types, the Popery finally gave way once again to Decent American Protestantism in the person of good ol' Gary Bauer, who related via video clip that "[t]here are two diametrically opposed world views in America. On one side, there are people who think that America is all about just doing whatever you want; different strokes for different folks; if it feels good, do it. On the other side, there are millions of Americans who believe that our country was built on ordered liberty under God." Bauer is basically correct in his contention that his side advocates Democracy with Puritan Characteristics, as Deng Xiaoping might have put it, whereas the opposing side advocates actual human liberty without reference to the degenerate totalitarian customs of the ancient Hebrews. The reader will also note how the "doing whatever you want" crowd is simply made up of "people," whereas Bauer's own Ordered Liberty faction consists of "millions of Americans." Millions, I say! And Americans to boot! This may seem like a cheap rhetorical trick to you or I, but, hey, "if it feels good, do it" has always been my motto, apparently.

This latest round of video clips now thankfully at an end, it was back to the Tremont Temple Baptist Church telecast for Liberty Sunday's unofficial keynote speaker, outgoing Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. Mr. Romney would very much like to be president of our Greater Imperial Pilgrim Republic, and so has seen fit slum it with the Evangelicals. He was introduced by his lovely wife, Ann. Incidentally, Mitt Romney has only one wife. And so that we might understand why Romney has only one wife and not a dozen of them, a brief history lesson is probably in order.

***

In 1820, Joseph Smith met Jesus Christ in New York. Smith was a resident; Christ was presumably just passing through. Smith was duly impressed with Christ, and Smith's associates were duly impressed with Smith for having met Him.

Christ is a busy fellow, though, and so Smith's next few supernatural encounters were with His subordinate, the angel Moroni. Before graduating to the rank of angel, Moroni had been a general in the army of the Nephites, one of three Hebrew tribes that had wandered into North America after the Tower of Babylon was knocked over by Elohim (alias Yahweh, alias God, no known tattoos or other identifying marks). Quite a bit had happened before and since that hadn't been recorded by the Ur-Jews of the Middle East, nor by the Byzantines, nor by the Romans, nor even by the Methodists, who are usually up on all the latest gossip. In fact, it would seem that a good chunk of crucial Christian theology had simply not made it into the texts and traditions of Christendom for some reason or another, and so it fell upon Joseph Smith, New Yorker, to record it. To this end, Moroni provided Smith with a pair of golden plates inscribed with the language of the Nephites, and which Smith would be able to translate by use of a magical stone. Of course, no one else would be allowed to see the plates at first, and only a trustworthy select were allowed to see them later. Eventually, Moroni took them back, perhaps because he needed them for something.

Years later, after Smith had attracted a following, it was determined that the State of Missouri was actually Zion, that Jackson Country, Missouri in particular had been given to Smith by divine decree, and that it would be rather neat if everyone were to go there and await the Second Coming. The natives of Missouri disagreed, and, after a series of incidents, Smith changed his mind, apparently right around the time that he and his followers were thrown out of the state. Next it was on to Illinois, where Smith and friends established the town of Nauvoo, with Smith himself as mayor. This proved to be a convenient setup for a nascent religious movement, as Smith could now preach his revelatory vision of polygamy, baptism for the dead, and revisionist North American history without being hassled by The Man. After all, he had become The Man.

Things were going swimmingly until a group of disgruntled ex-followers set up a newspaper whose editorial stance was in opposition to Smith's teachings in general and to Smith's person in particular. After the first issue, Smith and his city council had the paper shut down and its printing press destroyed. This didn't go over well in the county seat (which is called Carthage, amusingly enough), where Smith was charged with wholesale tomfoolery and unconstitutional hanky-panky. Smith surrendered to the authorities and was held in the second floor of the county prison for his own protection. The precaution proved inadequate; a mob of angry Illinoisans stormed the prison and fired on him and his friends one of whom, John Taylor, later described what happened next: "Joseph leaped from the window, and was shot dead in the attempt, exclaiming: O Lord my God!"

In a purely romantic sense, Smith's martyrdom by gunfire and window-leaping ranks pretty low on the prophet-death totem poll, sitting below not only Jesus Christ (crucifixion) but also David Koresh (misunderstanding with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms) and even Marshall Applewhite (applesauce with phenobarbital).

Unlike those of Koresh and Applewhite, though, Smith's vision lived on; Brigham Young, head of the Quorum of the Twelve, became the Mormon movement's second prophet, and prudently moved the flock westward to Mexican territory. Here, in the Salt Lake Valley, Young and his cohorts were free to live Mormon life to its fullest none more so than Young, who eventually took on a total of 52 wives. Even Joseph Smith himself had married no more than 33.

It wasn't long before the Mormon communities were absorbed into the United States by way of one of our nation's celebrated real estate grabs, and it wasn't long after that before the Mormons started to go all political. Young himself began to lobby Washington for the creation of the State of Deseret, as the Mormons had taken to calling their holdings; instead, a smaller state called Utah was formed with Young as its governor. It was a rough transition, and at one point, federal officials sent an expeditionary force to replace Young after a difference of opinion over the exact nature of American federalism; the Mormon army held the Yankees off for a while, but eventually Young decided it would be more prudent to just step down, and he did so, but was eventually pardoned.

Treason, theocracy, and militarized resistance against the federal government was one thing, but a more serious problem had also been in the making. It seemed that the folks back east didn't much care for polygamy, whereas the Mormons cared for it quite a bit and even considered it a sacred duty. In 1882, when a Mormon leader was consequently prevented from taking his seat in the House of Representatives, the issue was suddenly nationalized. A number of bills were passed in the wake of the controversy, including one which made it a crime not only to practice polygamy, but even to profess one's belief in it. This was clearly unconstitutional, though not so clearly unconstitutional that anyone seemed to notice or care (aside from the Mormons, of course). Then, in 1887, the Edwards-Tucker Act provided for federal seizure of all church property.

And so the Mormon belief in polygamy had been beaten in the political arena, and three years later, the then-leader of the Mormons was suddenly informed by God Himself that plural marriage had never been that big of a deal anyway and that the church should render unto Caesar what was Caesar's, so to speak. In 1890, the Mormons decided that the sacred and inviolable practice of plural marriage consisting of a single man and several women was not so sacred and inviolable after all.

***

Back at Liberty Sunday, former Mormon bishop Mitt Romney, a graduate of Brigham Young University, was introduced by his Mormon wife Ann, another graduate of Brigham Young University. Romney, of course, was here to speak about why traditional marriage is a sacred and inviolable practice consisting of a single man and a single woman.

After Ann Romney had announced to wild applause that she herself was a direct descendant of the splendid William Bradford, Mitt Romney took the podium to say his piece. The nation's values, he said, were under attack. "Today there are some people who are trying to establish one religion: the religion of secularism." Unfortunately, the religion of secularism's operations have yet to be declared tax exempt, which is why I can't write off all of my Gore Vidal novels, tweed jackets, and imported coffee.

A bit into his speech, Romney went off-message when he noted that "our fight for children, then, should focus on the needs of children, not the rights of adults," thus admitting that the point of all of this was to limit rights, rather than to protect them. But if our Mormon friend went on to elaborate regarding his advocacy of federalized social engineering, I wasn't able to catch it, and neither were the "thousands, literally millions" of others watching via the telecast; the transmission broke up in mid-sentence, and didn't resume until after Romney had finished speaking. Apparently, Yahweh does not approve of his True Church being rendered unclean by the presence of Mormons, who believe, among other things, that Jesus and Satan are actually brothers. A message from the Family Research Council came up asking me to "click stop on my media player. Then restart it," and to repeat this. Not a word about prayer. Later on, after the transmission had been fixed, Tony Perkins took the stage and said something about someone having pulled a power cord. Never fret, though: "We know where the real power comes from!" Then there was applause, presumably for the engineer who plugged the cord back in.

If it was indeed Yahweh who knocked Romney off the air in the first place, then He was simply anticipating the views of a large portion of Americans and an even larger portion of Evangelicals. According to a Rasmussen poll released a month after Liberty Sunday, 43 percent of those polled would refrain from voting for a Mormon presidential candidate. Among Evangelicals, that number was 53 percent. As a participant in religious bigotry, Romney is hit-or-miss, but as its victim, he's a real success.

James Dobson appeared via a recorded tape. He was in Tennessee on that particular evening. "Tennessee has an open senate seat," he explained. Fair enough. Dobson cited some scripture, as well he might. "'For this cause,'" he quoted, referring to the cause of matrimony, "'a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh.'" It certainly sounds as if Yahweh has stated His opposition to letting the in-laws move in. Judeo-Christianity is not without its charms.

"More than 1,000 scientific studies conducted in secular universities and research centers have demonstrated conclusively that children do best when they're raised by a mother and father who are committed to each other," Dobson noted. In his 2004 book Marriage Under Fire: Why We Must Win This Battle, Dobson had written something similar: "More than ten thousand studies have concluded that kids do best when they are raised by loving and committed mothers and fathers." How that figure managed to shrink from ten thousand to one thousand in the space of two years would be an interesting question for a theoretical mathematician or quantum theorist. How do 9,000 things go from existing to not having ever existed at all? Actually, this is a trick question. The trick answer is that those 9,000 things never existed in the first place, and it's doubtful that even 1,000 did, either. The liberal watchdog group Media Matters for America once tried to figure out exactly how Dobson had arrived at his oft-stated "more than ten thousand" figure, which has since been cited by a couple of politicos on the lesser cable news programs. It seems that Dobson was referencing some books and articles to the effect that children are at a disadvantage when raised by a single mother, although none of the studies cited dealt with the question of whether or not "mothers and fathers" were necessarily preferable to two mothers, two fathers, or a mother and a grandmother (I myself was mostly raised in this last fashion, and I don't believe I'm the worse for it, but, then again, I'd never thought to ask James Dobson). But even aside from Dobson's slight misrepresentations regarding the nature of the studies that actually do exist, the 10,000 figure is ludicrous anyway; as Media Matters put it, such a number could only be possible "if a new study reaching that conclusion had been released every day for the past 27 years." This does not appear to be the case. Nonetheless, Dobson was back to citing the 10,000 figure just a few months later.

Eventually, Dobson was called out on this particular instance of nonsense by two researchers whose work he referenced in a December 2006 essay that was published in Time and cutely entitled "Two Mommies is Too Many ." Until this point, neither of the researchers in question had been aware that Dobson was running around citing their work in support of his contention that gay marriage was the pits; they had, in fact, no reason to expect this, as their work supported no such contention. New York University educational psychologist Carol Gilligan requested that Dobson "cease and desist" from referencing her work, and Professor Kyle Pruett of the Yale School of Medicine wrote him the following letter which was reprinted on the gay advocacy website Truth Wins Out:

Dr. Dobson,

I was startled and disappointed to see my work referenced in the current Time Magazine piece in which you opined that social science, such as mine, supports your convictions opposing lesbian and gay parenthood. I write now to insist that you not quote from my research in your media campaigns, personal or corporate, without previously securing my permission.

You cherry-picked a phrase to shore up highly (in my view) discriminatory purposes. This practice is condemned in real science, common though it may be in pseudo-science circles. There is nothing in my longitudinal research or any of my writings to support such conclusions. On page 134 of the book you cite in your piece, I wrote, "What we do know is that there is no reason for concern about the development or psychological competence of children living with gay fathers. It is love that binds relationships, not sex."

Kyle Pruett, M.D.
Yale School of Medicine

To its credit, Time later published a response to Dobson's essay, entitled (almost as cutely) "Two Mommies or Two Daddies Will Do Just Fine, Thanks."

Back at Liberty Sunday, Dobson had more concrete matters about which to be livid. It seems that there's a book called King and King floating around the nation's public schools. The plot concerns "a prince who decides to marry another man," Dobson tells us, and then, visibly disgusted, adds, "It ends with a celebration and a kiss." Dobson thinks this to be very bad form, and, for once, I agree with him. I wouldn't want my children being taught that the institution of hereditary monarchy is some sort of acceptable "alternative lifestyle," either. If I caught my kid reading any of that smut by John Winthrop, for instance, I'd beat him with a sack of oranges until my arm got tired. I'm just kidding. I don't have any kids. Yet.

Dobson's list of grievances went on. A school in Lexington, Massachusetts, had sent students home with a "diversity bag" which included some materials to the effect that homosexuals exist and are people. In response to the inevitable parental complaint, the district superintendent had said, "We couldn't run a public school system if every parent who feels some topic is objectionable to them for moral or religious reasons decides their child should be removed." Dobson read the quote and then delivered the following pithy retort: "Well, maybe, sir, you have no business running a school system in the first place!"

Tony Perkins had gone into some more depth regarding the Lexington Diversity Bag Heresy in a recent e-mail newsletter. "You may remember us reporting last year on David Parker, the Lexington, Massachusetts father who was arrested because of insistence on being notified by school officials anytime homosexual topics were discussed in his son's classroom," Perkins wrote at the time. "He made this reasonable request after his six-year-old kindergartener came home from school with a 'diversity' book bag and a book discussing homosexual relationships." Obviously, Mr. Parker wasn't arrested because of his "insistence" on anything; he was arrested on a charge of trespassing after refusing to leave the school office, even after having been asked several times by the principal as well as by police. And Mr. Parker had indeed been "notified" about the bags, along with all of the other parents, twice. A sample had even been displayed at a PTA meeting at the beginning of the year, where it was made clear that children were not required to accept them. But, hey, whatever.

Dobson had another one. "And did you hear two weeks ago that a 13-year-old girl at Prince George's County Middle School was silently reading her Bible at lunch time, when a vice principal told her she was violating school policy and would be suspended if she didn't stop?" This actually did happen; the vice principal apparently didn't understand school policy, which clearly states that students may read religious texts. They can also start religious clubs. The problem seemed to be that the vice principal in question mistakenly believed otherwise, perhaps because Evangelicals like James Dobson (and Catholics like William Bennett) are always running around claiming that it's illegal to pray in public schools.

Then, all of a sudden and apropos of nothing, Dobson warned us that "our country is in great danger from the radical Islamic fundamentalism, which is telling us now that they plan to destroy the United States and Israel, and I'm convinced they mean it." Really puts that diversity book bag thing into perspective, huh?

The video ended and it was back to the Liberty Sunday live feed. Perkins noted that the DVD version of the event could be ordered from the FRC website, and that it included bonus material.

A bit later, Massachusetts Family Institute president Kris Mineau came on. "The leadership of this state is beholden to the homosexual lobbyists," he said. "Homosexual money is flooding into this state to deny the citizens the right to vote, to deny our freedom of speech." The homose
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