| Subject: Nifty, Experienced Humor Writer |
| From: "Barrett Brown" <barriticus@gmail.com> |
| Date: 6/26/07, 16:16 |
| To: gigs-360818992@craigslist.org |
Bush Writes a Novel
By Barrett Brown
Where Walks the President
By George W.
Bush
Chapter One: A Dangerous Mission
President Gus McAwesome stood in the Oval Office looking out the Oval Window, his steady gaze steadfast in its steadiness, his legs set apart and firmly planted to the ground like two plants planted in the ground. Two strong, firm cactuses. But without needles. Instead of needles, he had leg hairs.
He was standing there, thinking about big political issues, important things that matter to working families, things like laws, and the government, and gay people trying to marry each other in Iraq, when suddenly, the vice-president walked in, crying and cringing like usual. Like a big baby.
"Gus," he squealed like a little girl, "it's the healthcare bill. It's being blocked in the House and I can't -"
Gus cut him off with a firm slap to the face.
"Damn it, Rick, can't you do anything by yourself? Do you need me to hold your hand through every piece of legislation we try to pass? You can't fall back on my political experience every time a problem comes up."
"But it's just that... sometimes I get so scared and confused."
"Get out of my sight," replied McAwesome, and with that he flung his Presidential Poncho over his shoulder, revealing the six-shooters tucked into his belt underneath. Vice-President Rick Reney ran out of the room screaming, then went off to the Lincoln Bedroom to go cry like a little baby and probably to think about being gay with another man and to change his baby diaper, because he was really just a big stupid baby who didn't know anything. A big, gay baby.
A few minutes later, Gus McAwesome put on his jetpack and flew out one of his cool secret passageways. He was headed to go address the House of Representatives, which was a really important government thing. It wasn't really a house, though; it was just called that, because back in the olden days that's what they used to call places where political people met to argue about laws. No one actually lived there. The other big meeting place for other political guys, the "Senate," was just a made-up word.
Today, the House of Representatives was meeting on an aircraft carrier like it did every Tuesday. So while McAwesome was flying across America out towards the ocean, he looked down at the beautiful nation that the majority of voters had elected him to protect, and he thought to himself, "This is truly a Charge to Keep. I must stay the course, and I must continue to battle the Asses of Evil wherever they may be found, whether in Iraq, Iran, Syria, the Alaskan wildlife refuge, West Texas, the Ukraine, or Royal Dutch Shell headquarters. I owe it to all the members of my Texas Air Guard unit who were killed during Vietnam at the Battle of Laredo." Thinking of that dark but heroic time, McAwesome absent-mindedly rubbed one of his battle scars from when the VC had cut him with their ninja swords and chop sticks before disappearing into puffs of smoke using their magical ninja powers.
Finally, President McAwesome arrived at the aircraft carrier, where all of the representatives were there trying to make laws. All the senators were there, too, because sometimes the buy-camera legislature meets together. Anyway, everyone was being unbold and partisan, especially the stupid Democrats. Ged Chinnedy was drinking whiskey straight from the bottle and driving an ATV up and down the landing strip, running over female aides and then throwing their bodies into the ocean below. Dames Trafficant had escaped from prison and was stealing pens from the captain's office. Don Kerry was smoking marijuana and scratching out the word "God" from all the currency that he still had left after spending most of it on drugs, drugs he had bought from Gillary Pimpin, who was a senator even though she was a girl.
At first, no one noticed when President McAwesome landed on the carrier deck. So he pulled out his six-shooter and fired a warning shot into the air, and then fired another warning shot into Don Kerry.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and saluted the president (who is also called the commander-and-chief, because he's also head general of the army and plans all their battles). The marine band on deck started playing "Hell, it's the chief!", which they always play when the president comes into a room or shoots something.
"Senators and senatas, representatives and girl representatives, I have come today because I want you to pass this healthcare bill and make it a law!" yelled President McAwesome in a bold and steadfast manner. "Our people need healthcare, and this law will make it illegal not to have it!"
"But we don't want to pass it!" yelled all the Democrats. "We hate God!"
It was a tough situation, but McAwesome resolved to be steadfast. He put the bill to a vote. And it passed, because there were only 12 Democrats there. All of the rest were in jail for sodomy or something. And later that day, President McAwesome captured Osama bin Laden through sheer steadfastness.
BARRETT BROWN___________________________________________
512-560-2302 barriticus@aol.com
COPYWRITER/ FEATURE COLUMNIST/ CONTRIBUTING EDITOR/ BOOK AUTHOR
Published Work/ Freelance Media Experience
The Onion A/V Club
Current, ongoing copywriting for The Onion's features department.
Anglesey Interactive, Inc.
Current, ongoing copywriting of online marketing collateral (web text, press releases, etc.) in support of firm's "Riight.com" integrated search engine.
Organic Motion, Inc.
Current, ongoing copywriting of both print and online marketing collateral, general marketing consultation for noted New York tech start-up.
Sterling and Ross Publishers
Nonfiction book "Flock of Dodos: Behind Modern Creationism, Intelligent Design, and the Easter Bunny", political humor, authored in 2006, released in March 2007.
Avacata
Current, ongoing copywriting in 2007 for Dallas ad agency, researching and creating entertainment/dining/venue blurbs for clients' marketing collateral, including luxury resort real estate firm.
National Lampoon
Occasional contributor; past features included "Pick-Up Lines That Don't Seem to Work," "Craig's Conspiracy Corner," "A Guide to Dealing with Housecats," more.
Weekly columnist for political analysis site from October 2004 to November 2005
Features included - - "JohnKerry.com is Web-Tastic!" "Politicos Should Heed the Perry Incident," "Hot Senate Races," "Hot House Races," "109th Congress - What They Really Wanted for Christmas," "Political New Year's Resolutions," "State of the Union 2005: Dreams and Ironies" "The Long Kiss Goodnight," "The Strange Case of Jeff Gannon," "Libby Indicted, Dems Excited," "The Best Little Decoy in Texas," "Faith of Our Fathers: A Mildly Mean-Spirited Review," "McClellan is No Fleischer," "A Response to Our Catholic Readers," "The Known Unknown," "Dr. Frist Prescribes Himself a Dose of Moderation," "Meet John Roberts," "2008 Preview," Roberts Confirmation Hearings Largely Bloodless," more.
AOL CityGuide
Web content writer from Summer 2000 to December 2003 Researched/ created content coverage of event and entertainment venues. Served as regional correspondent for Dallas, Austin, New Orleans, Houston and Little Rock markets.
Additional magazine work
Ongoing, have contributed feature articles from serious political commentary to humor pieces to children's recreational activity coverage to fine dining overviews for outlets including business-to-business publication Pizza Today, D.C.-based public policy journal Toward Freedom, London-based public policy journal Free Life, humor magazine Jest, parenting publication Dallas Child, men's magazines Oui and Hustler, literary journal Swans, dozens more.
Additional writing projects
Have written shopping/entertainment guides for Dallas Market Center publication Destination Dallas, created marketing copy for Verizon via Dallas ad agency Sullivan-Perkins, produced website copy for design firm NPCreate.com, provided public relations pieces for Texas energy company EBS and Dallas real estate firm Dunhill Partners, more.
Education
1999 - 2003 University of Texas at Austin, College of Communications